Glimpses at Life in the Room of Grace

New Adventure

2010-11-22T22:59:00.003-06:00

I'm part of a new adventure. Details coming soon.

Perfect

2010-11-16T11:27:00.002-06:00

Perfect for me, that is. These children, precious gifts from God, continue to challenge and inspire me to be a better person. I don't deserve the joy that they bring into my life every day, but I will accept it for what it is -- a blessed gift.

Jonathan -- 8th grade. Fisher. Hunter. Swimmer. Leader. Knows more of the Bible than his MBI graduate mother. Comedian extrodinaire. And still thinks that "I didn't hear you" is a good excuse!

Andrew -- 7th grader. Bass player. Clarinest. Soccer Star. Great Friend. Posessess a love for life that excites me. Knows more than any of my kids when mom just needs someone to sit next to her. Likes to chat with me on facebook. And uses words like Trousers.

Caleb -- 7th grader. Rock star Clarinet player. Soccer Star. Rapid fast Wit. Smarter than his mother. Super fast reader. Very fast talker. Loyal and trustworthy. Asks hard questions. Has a tender heart and silly spirit. Eats food in the bathroom, too.

Rachel -- 5th grader. Cello player. Tender heart. Cares for the poor and the lonely. Devoted to what is right. More disciplined than I will ever be. Great reader and math student. Surprised us all by getting an A+ in Spelling this fall. Sometimes uses Oreo, the cat, for a pillow. Quickly becoming one of mom's best girl friends.

Love them. All of them. Even when they won't go to bed.

Bedtime Stories

2010-04-13T09:45:00.004-05:00

I received the most beautiful gift yesterday. It was a long day. A hard day. I haven't slept much for the past week due to all the pain in my knee. I seem to be one of those strange people for whom narcotics has absolutely no effect. I came home from teaching and an intense therapy session yesterday completely wiped out. I collapsed on the couch and didn't even get up to eat dinner.

Caleb, my dear sweet amazing Caleb, came to me about 8:30 and started reading to me. For the next hour, he read me bedtime stories. I'm not sure how "bedtimeish" they were, as they all involved dangerous and deadly creatures, but none the less I was deeply touched by this thoughtful, loving act.

He's only 12. But he knows how to stop Mommy's moaning. For that hour I felt no pain. Only intense love and bonding with my son.

For the first night I only woke a few times with pain. And I felt rested in the morning. Ready to face a long day of teaching.

And I can't wait to get home, to be with my kids. Caleb did threaten me though, that he was going to have to read me his gun safety book tonight because he needs to study. Maybe I'll stop by the library and pick up this book instead.

Thoughts from the Caribou

2010-04-12T14:24:00.004-05:00

Drinking my first carmel cooler of the season. I'm in one of those really reflective, sensitive times of life where everything seems to take on bigger meaning that it should. I'm not sure if that will make sense to anyone but me.

I've been dreaming alot lately . . . about Africa, of all places. Twenty years ago when I first started thinking seriously about mission work I was ready to go anywhere but Africa. I'm not sure why, but Africa never really gripped my heart like Central Asia did.

But these days, Africa is all I can think about. Not sure why. During the holiday season I bought a new calendar. I passed over the adorable Boxer puppy one and went zooming straight into one that shows scenes from Africa. I simply had to have it. It's hanging on the wall of my office.

I am drawn this semester in a way I never had before towards my African students. Many of them are refugees from wars in places like the Sudan or Somalia. One young woman told me last week that she has not seen her parents for TEN years. They sent her to America along with her older sister and younger brother. They raised themselves, here in America.

There's a lot of turmoil right now in our city high schools between the Somali and American born students. So much hatred. So much misunderstanding. It simply breaks my heart to hear the stories my students tell me of what happens in their high schools. The adults in their world don't know what to do -- or aren't willing to do it. I'm not sure which. I feel drawn to do something . . . but what? Could I really be here, in this place, with Africa on my heart to do something in my city, 1000s of miles away from Africa?

I'm thinking. It feels a little dangerous to be thinking the way I am thinking. Could I dare to dream that my heart for missions wasn't completely shattered years ago?

Moms shouldn't climb trees

2010-04-11T14:57:00.005-05:00

I know that now.

But on Easter Sunday, bouyed by a sassy new haircut and beautiful 60 degree weather, I climbed anyway. It might also have something to do with the words my twins used to describe me -- "MIDDLE-AGED".

Them's fighting words to me. So climb I did. My first attempt -- oh so very sucessful.

My second attempt . . . successful once again. Note that I am HIGHER than Caleb.

The problem is that while I can actually climb trees with the best of them, I don't do so well going down. I slipped on the way down and fell -- much to the delight of my entire family who was watching.

Now I'm in a brace from thigh to ankle, eating pain killers like they are candy, and using crutches. I also got to spend some quality time alone during my MRI.

I go to the doctor this week to find out what's next.

It hurts for this mom to climb to trees.

But you can bet that once this injury heals I'll be up there again!

Back, at least for now

2010-04-11T14:51:00.003-05:00

It's been a rough year. I stopped writing just after Ellie's hotel, when our beloved boxer, Jack, died of unknown causes. We had just spend an unheard of amount of money to save him and he died anyway.

For months I couldn't write, I couldn't talk, and I couldn't see God.

Then I got depressed. More depressed than I have ever been. I don't even like to think back to that darkness.

I stopped talking to everyone. I closed myself off and listened only to the craziness of my mind.

When I finally reached out for help, my trusted therapist said to me, "I think you might be angry that you got depressed again. Does this feel like a failure to you?"

Um. Yeah. A big fat failure. It felt like a failure of grace and of everything that I had been learning.

Now I'm learning to be a bit more gentle with myself and with others. I'm certainly not very good at being nonjudgmental towards myself. It seems that I feel that everyone is worthy of grace and compassion but me.

But I'm learning that when I live with that as my truth, I have only made an idol out of perfection, which is not such a great God to serve.

So I'm back to writing again. At least for now, that is.

Ellie's Hotel and the Catapult

2009-06-09T12:08:00.010-05:00

Ellie (aka Rachel) opened up her garage top hotel for business today. Her first two customers had lots of pets join them. She even has service for Jack, the wonderdog -- with two different types of water. I don't understand that, but I guess I don't have to!

Meanwhile, up on the deck on the other side of the yard, Jonathan is building a catapult. It seems to be aimed directly at Ellie's hotel, which concerns me just a bit. There could be a war in a few hours. I might just have to distract them with a meal of peace.

Watching my kids play this summer seems to be more of a joy than it ever has before. Our little family has been through a lot, and my kids have seen and heard more than kids really should. It is such a gift of God's grace to me to be able to watch my kids just be kids. They are playing and creating today to their hearts' content and it is a thing of great beauty to me.

Sure, they are real kids who say "Mom, I'm bored," a little too often and they can be really mean to each other. But they are miracles to me, each and every one of them. They have saved my life, more than once. I am beyond blessed to be able to do life with them.

Pause for a Thunderstorm

2009-06-03T18:50:00.003-05:00

As I've looked over my postings for the last few days, I've realized that there is an intensity about them that requires a little break -- both for me and you, my dear readers. So here it is . . . with of course a connection to grace and identity at the end, because I wouldn't be me without that!

Early in our marriage, we took an intensive Russian course in South Carolina. I loved my time there, being in the classroom and spending time with others who were suffering through the beginning stages of Russian learning along with me. But my favorite part of the day were the afternoon thunderstorms. I have never since seen so much lightening or heard such loud thunder. We would often sit outside our dorm room and just marvel at the rain and noise.

Yesterday Rachel came home from school with a book of poetry proudly in her hands. I immediately looked for her poem and am now sharing it with you:

BOOM!
A thunderstorm is coming
I'm scared
It's just a storm
We're fine
I'm still scared
Come here
Ok BANG! Flash! Oh no!
It's just rain
See, we're fine
Jack is not scared
Or the cats
I'm still a little scared
Watch some TV
IT WON'T TURN ON
The powers out
Come color with me
Ok. Flash!
Look, a rainbow
It's over
I'm not scared anymore

I'm still marveling at the insight my daughter has. I'm not sure that she even knows what she has written, or the gift she has given her mother in this piece of writing . What do I love about this?

She has the freedom to say she's scared, even when others might make fun of her
She looks for ways to distract herself, but none of them work -- except being with others
She is scared at one of those "just a" things . . . don't we all have them? Things we are afraid of, but think we shouldn't be? Something that will be over with soon?
She remains scared, even when others around her tell her that no one else is . . . and she admits it!

As I reflect more about this little bit of third grade writing, I am amazed and humbled by her honesty. It is the kind of honesty that I want to have in my own life. Sometimes, when I am afraid, the cliches don't make me feel better -- but in order to make other people feel better, I pretend they do. But not my Rachel. She hasn't learned to do this yet. I pray she never will. I pray that she will be able to walk in the freedom of her true self, and her true identity in Christ. I pray that she will not feel like she has to go into hiding with her family and friends.

I know that God has put these children into my life, another set of miracles, to help me mature. Thanks Papa!

Don't Quote the Bible to Me!

2009-06-03T18:03:00.003-05:00

The first time I walked into a 12 Steps Meeting, I felt like I was in a movie. As I said, "Hi, I'm Melissa," and heard in return, "Hello Melissa," I thought I was going to burst out laughing. It was, in part, a nervous laughter, along with a sense of how incredible it was that I had gotten myself to a place such as this.

When I walked into that meeting, I hated God, I hated the Bible, and I hated anyone who offered to pray for or with me. But at the same time, I was drawn to these things that I hated. I wanted so much to find that God really loved me. So here I was, shaking, ready to swear, and listening to people around me telling the world that they were here at this 12 Step Meeting because they wanted to grow in their Spiritual Life. I found out later that some of the people in the room thought I was a piece of work when my answer to the question of my appearance here went along the lines of, "I don't really know, but I have been spiritually abused and please don't give me any Bible verses." Yeah, I think they were probably thinking I was in the wrong place, too.

How had I gotten here? Well it wasn't an addiction to alcohol or drugs, but rather an addiciton to many other things, including over thinking and loving people to their detriment. In short, I was here because my life was out of control. In the years between kicking out my husband and discovering my son had cancer, my son had gotten better, my husband moved back in, I finished my Master's Degree, I had my dream job, and I had run three Ironman Triathlons. And I had never been more UNHAPPY. Depressed. Anxious. Angry. Scared. Full of Rage. My emotions were coming out all over the place and I was a complete wreck. There was one episode where I broke down in Cub Foods, yelling at my husband for who knows what minor infraction (I couldn't shop there for months). After years of coping fairly well, I was again thinking about suicide all the time. So, I went to the meeting suggested by my therapist.

It was with this group of people that I finally found the Room of Grace. It didn't happen right away, but over time I began to trust the people that I was with each week. By sharing their own stories of brokenness I realized that I was not alone. And by crying and laughing with me as I shared my own, these people shared with me a love that I had been craving. I came to find and know God's love through the love of other broken, deeply hurting people. Yeah, we shared some prayers and some Bible verses, too. But mostly it was through the sharing of our hearts that we found healing.

This group was yet another miracle in my life. Through God's gracious gift, I was able to receive their love. It is difficult to receive love because it requires trust and my trust had been broken. But God enabled me to trust, first others and then eventually him. It is only this received love that has the power to change lives.

Miracle Pictures, Part One

2009-06-01T09:10:00.007-05:00

This picture is a miracle. Actually it is many miracles, but that is something you would never see unless you knew the rest of the story. Over the next few posts, I'm going to make an attempt at capturing some of the miraculous nature of this family photo. In order to do that, I have to tell some difficult things about myself and my family. This is the first time I've told these things, in this way, so please excuse the rough edges in it. It is, afterall, only a first draft.

After years of submitting to physical and emotional abuse, I finally got up the nerve to admit to myself and another person what was happening in my home. I say myself, because for the first 12 years of my marriage I couldn't bring myself to call it abuse. I think it goes back to early days of our marriage when I did tell someone in our church, who told me what was happening was normal, especially in marriages with a strong unsubmissive woman! I spent the next 12 years trying to be good enough, trying to submit more . . . and failing misrably. I know now that the natural outcome of this kind of life is going to be depression, but when it first hit me I was really scared.

I had been separated from my husband for about a month when I first began to think of myself as unworthy of life. The thought was fleeting, but it came back. And back. And back. The world seemed black, overwhelming -- almost like a prison. I didn't see how I could possibly be a good enough person, a good enough mom to even deserve to live. And so I wanted to die. Really bad. And then the shaking started. I would sit and shake and shake. I couldn't stop. In order to stop the pain, I started hitting and cutting myself. It was amazing how the appearance of a bruise or blood on my skin would allow me such emotional relief.

I finally was convinced to take meds, but they couldn't start working soon enough. I know I wouldn't be alive today without the people who surrounded me, who watched my kids, who talked to me late at night, who told me they loved me.

And then, just one month after the depression hit me head on, Jonathan was diagnosed with cancer. At the time, it felt like God had hit me in the gut. The wind was knocked out of me and I no longer had the energy to even be depressed. Fatalism hit me, along with a deep abiding sense that if God existed at all, he was NOT good.

But in the background, God was working to show me his love. The overwhelming nature of my life hit everyone around me . . . it was clear that a single mom with four children age five and under could NOT do this on her own, and so I no longer could hide. I could be angry; everyone expected it. I could be scared; it was a natural feeling. Food came out of the woodwork. People came to help work in my business. People cleaned my house. They watched my kids. And I was free to be on the LONG journey of healing.

There is more to this story, as I would get much sicker before I got better. But, in retrospect, although it seems sick to say it, Jonathan's cancer was a way of salvation (albeit a strange one), not only for me, but also for my relationship with God and my husband.

Faith is not always smiling

2009-05-28T11:32:00.003-05:00

So, it seems that I now am feeling ready to write about some of the dark days of the past few years. When I was in my teens and 20s I never felt anything like depression. I was a rather happy-go-lucky girl, who saw the good in everything (including a very difficult marriage). I assumed, wrongly, that depression and godliness could not co-exist. So I buried the pain and put on lots of smiles. When I couldn't muster a smile, I stayed home. I became a master at hiding -- from my children, my husband, my family, my coworkers. I'm certain, now, that many of them suspected that all was not right with Melissa, but at the time I was convinced that no one knew. I filled my mind with cliches that I didn't believe and spouted them off all the time in the hopes that eventually I would feel the joy that these cliches seemed to promise. What I didn't realize at the time was that by stuffing all the pain associated with abuse I was receiving, I was laying the foundation for a very dark and difficult mental illness.

Over the next few posts I will explore some of my depression history, what I have learned, and how I think God is continuing to redeem those dark days. I will also look at a very painful time, last November, that I call my Dark Night of the Soul.

For today, I want to leave you with a quote from Ed Welsch's book on Depression:

God says that strong faith can coexist with emotional highs, lows, and everything in between. It is a myth that faith is always smiling. The trust is that faith often feelings like the very ordinary process of dragging one foot in front of the other because we are conscious of God.

If your life feels like this today, please know that I KNOW. I have lived like this for months at a time. I will probably feel like this again. The daily slogging of life, against the ordinary difficulties like broken down cars, just barely not enough money, or even the need to take three kids to three different places with only two adults can be overwhelming to the point of tears. Your issues may be huge, like a sick child or parent. You may be grieving the loss of a friend or family member or a job. You may just be sick of the pressures of a job. Or you may have no idea why you feel like crap. Whatever the source of your pain, God is with you in it. Even if you feel like he isn't. Even if you can't believe. He is standing by your side, his arm around you ... whispering in your ear, I love you child. I love you.

And I don't believe for one minute that God is angry with you, he is not displeased at your lack of faith to get over the icky feelings. Faith is not always smiling.

Yet another post on how much we need each other

2009-05-26T15:08:00.005-05:00

Today I'll go back to Susan Howatch and her novel The Heart Breaker. This was a book that I didn't expect to relate to for a number of reasons, but by about half way through I was almost completely undone. If you haven't read Susan Howatch's books, don't start with this one, (I'd start with Glittering Imagines), but if you like her writing, eventually you will end up here.

Here she is quoting from Mud and stars: the report of a Working Party on the Impact of Hospice Experience on the Church's Ministry of Healing:

All of us, carers and cared for, are on a journey whose destination we understand only dimly: We know we are searching for something, yet the nature of the thing we seek eludes us. On this strange journey, in this tantalising search, we only feel lonely and bemused, in need of guidance, encouragement, companionship. Not always knowing what we are asking for, we reach for the help of others.

More than once I have been confused about the path God has led me on. The whys overwhelmed me, making it nearly impossible for me to see God. I was lonely beyond belief and I needed a fellow traveller to come alongside of me and help carry my burdens. Today I have a special gratitude for those who have hitched my wagon to theirs and helped pulled me through the deep muddy pits. I'm certain that at times you wanted to push me back into the muds, but you allowed God's love to flow through you anyway.

And by the way, I still need you and others to join you. And I need to be able to love you back. I may not be stuck, but I will always need to give and receive protective love to help me continue to mature. We all really do need each other, despite anything our American culture teaches us.

My Children are Learning to Protect

2009-05-24T21:25:00.005-05:00

The dog picture will make sense at the end. Or maybe it won't. Let's just say that Jack riding in the back of the bike trailer was one of many highlights to this glorious day!

My children know me. They know my sin. They know my weakness. For a long time I tried to hide my imperfection from them as I thought that the only hope for my children to be perfect was for me to provide a perfect model for them. Anyone who has tried to do this knows how perfectly exhausting and ineffective it is. All it takes is a jam jar falling out the fridge to allow those carefully hidden words to come flying out. Sometimes it takes even less than that!

So, today comes yet another confession to you , my dear readers. I struggle mightily with the 10th commandment. Yeah, that one about coveting. The problem with this commandment is that it is awfully sneaky. I don't want a lot of things and most of the time am very happy when my friends get great things. I've rejoiced with incredible jobs found and dream vacations for my friends. BUT, there are some day and times when I am so NOT able to do this. I've been in lovely houses owned by lovely people where all I've wanted to do was run out and cry because I wanted what they had so much and knew that I would never have a house like theirs. I've listened to people list accomplishments and not been able to come even close to rejoicing. I have to admit to having some not so nice thoughts at times.

And yes, my kids know about this. I especially struggle with one person in my life who seems to get everything I think I want. We were at the person's house today and he wanted to show us yet another of his toys for their lake cabin. I cringed inside, knowing that looking at this toy would just wreck my day. As we got back into the car, I was ready with all kinds of critical words about this person and his family. I didn't feel at all about talking to God about this . . . to use a quote I wrote in here eariler this week, I was ready to give the devil a nice long ride.

Jonathan, knowing my distress and weakness in this area, spoke first. His words showed an incredible love to me. He said with absolutely no critisim in his voice (I would know if it was there), "Wow Mom . . . It's like they are building an amusement park up north." I started to smile. He went on to describe this amusement park and what it would look like and how much fun it would be to enjoy playing there this summer. By the time he was done, I was laughing as I enjoyed this picture he was creating. His uncritical humor was like a lifeline out of the jealousy and envy that were seeking to drown me in misery.

And as if by unconscious decree, all four children continued to surround me for the rest of the day with an incredible gift. Their presence. Childish. Free. Loving. Gracious. Laughing. We went on a bike ride that was a comedy of errors from start to finish. Starting with bringing Jack the wonderdog who did NOT want to be in the trailer (what were we thinking?) and ending with Jonathan leaving all his tackle alongside the bike trail and not realizing it until we were home (a place for me to show a little protective love of my own!), the day had more than its share of memories. But, we laughed so hard today. It was a Philippians 4:8 kind of day:

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

While there were struggles along the way, we all seemed to be able to point ourselves back to living in a place where we could think beautiful things about each other. Our new natures were certainly wooed today. I'm so incredibly blessed to be able to do life with these precious people. I love you Jonathan, Andrew, Caleb, Rachel, and Brit!

Thank you Papa for putting us together in this life.

What is THAT on the Wall?

2009-05-21T15:23:00.002-05:00

When Jonathan was two and half years old, I had three boys under the age of three. There is much about that time that I don't remember, but there are a few precious memories that come out at family gatherings and holidays. This is one of them . . .

I had just returned from a retreat. For some reason I didn't consume the bag of Hershey's with almond minitures that I had taken on the trip. In true ADD fashion, I didn't bother to take them downstairs, but rather put them in the closest drawer while I was unpacking, the one in my bedside table.

The next morning I was really tired. The kind of tired that you can only be if you have three kids two and under and you had just been at a retreat where people played Mexican train dominoes until three in the morning.

Naturally, Jonathan was not tired and came into my room as soon as the birds started singing, somewhere around 5am. I told him, rather sleepily, to go back to bed. And he did. As I drifted back to sleep, I thought to myself, "I have the best little boy in the world. He's so obedient. I'm such a great mom."

Yeah right. Now I know better. Jonathan did go back to his room, but he didn't go back to sleep. On his way out of my room, he opened the drawer by my bed and ever so silently removed the bag of chocolates. He took them to his room and ate many of them. At some point he must have remembered what we had been talking about concerning sharing, because he woke up his brothers and began unwrapping the chocolates and passing them through the bars of their cribs. It's just great to see your kids share!

When I woke up 90 minutes later, I walked in their room and saw brown everywhere. On their faces, on the sheets, on the wall, on the floor, on their pjs. Yes, everywhere. I sniffed the room in horror. Surely this couldn't be . . . .? And then I saw the pile of Hershey wrappers. Lots of them. A full bag full, actually. And, in neat little piles on the floor beside Caleb and Andrew's cribs were almonds with all the chocolate sucked off! They still don't like nuts.

And I still love my kids. Jonathan turn 13 this year. He's still a leader, creating fun stories and games for the rest of the family to enjoy. He's a leader at school and home. If something is happening, he's usually the one who started it. He has such a tender heart. As I look at the changes ahead for him, it is my prayer that he grow to really know who he is in Christ. That he will not be afraid of his sin and that he will not go into hiding. That when he feels shame he will have the courage to trust God and others with it. That he will know that his mother loves him when he is good and when he is bad. That my love for him is not conditioned on his performance for me. I want him to know and experience the deep love and grace of God in his daily life.

I hold this prayer for all of my children, but today my heart is full of Jonathan.

Don't give the Devil a Ride

2009-05-20T10:08:00.003-05:00

I love this quote from Anne LaMott (found in Grace Eventually)

"I prayed for God to help me find a way out, and what I heard was, 'Call a friend.' But something edgier was speaking more loudly, and I pricked up my ears at the sound, even though an old man at church once told me never to give the devil a ride. Because if he likes the ride, pretty soon he'll want to drive."

I need to call more friends, more often. They are often the way of escape for me. Hiding is the devil's business. I don't want to be in business with him. He likes to take over the business just as much as he likes to drive.

The Field Trip

2009-05-19T10:14:00.003-05:00

It's been an exhausting few days. Since God spoke to me at Costco, I've finished grading, attended graduation, hosted a birthday party, attended a going away party, took the dog to the vet, adopted a rat, nursed Andrew through his first migrane headache, and accompanied the sixth graders on their big field trip to the science museum and state capital buiding. Life has gone on and I've had very little time to reflect, much less write about what has been happening. Whenever life gets this way, I get a little ragged around the edges (okay, a lot ragged), so I'm glad to be sitting at my desk today, alone in my office with a bit of time to process life.

But even in the craziness that I get to call my life, God has seen fit to inject some truth and encouragement into my life. Both of these came, from all places, the dreaded field trip. Now I love these sixth graders and I like the science museum. But by the time Monday rolled around, I was so exhausted that I felt like there was just no love inside of me to give. I needed affirmation in the worst way, but couldn't ask for . . . didn't really even know how to ask for it. I probably didn't even know in that moment just how much I really needed to hear an affirming word.

I was standing with the group of girls that I was chaperoning and trying to figure out how on earth I was going to keep track of them. I didn't know them, as my sixth grader is Jonathan . . . and Jonathan has not yet discovered the joy of spending time with girls. I know the boys in his grade, but the girls . . . well they are just as much a mystery to me as they are to Jonathan.

So, Jonathan was in a group with his best friend, whose mother was also along on the trip. I was standing just a bit behind Jonathan and got to overhear him say something that made my day . . . He said to his friend, "Yeah, I just know after today all these kids are going to come up to me and say how much they like my mom, how nice she is, and how fun she is to be with. Everytime kids meet her, they say that." I gasped silently and immediately had the energy to spend with these four delightful young ladies. Somehow hearing truth about myself enabled me to live it. A gift of grace, no doubt. God knew just how much I needed to hear those words in order to be present to the task of the day.

Then later in the day we were touring the capital. It is not the most interesting tour for the kids, and it was very difficult to hear our guide because the capital was so busy yesterday with it being the last day of the legislative meetings. So I was trying to help remind tired kids to be respectful, when I happened to look up and saw the following words written outside the doors to the Minnesota Supreme Court, "Laws can discover sin, but not remove it." The most beautiful thing about my discovery is that Jonathan was standing next to me as I jotted the words down in a book I had with me. He asked why I was writting in my book, and I got the opportunity to talk with him a little bit about how we were not created to deal with our sin and that all of our attempts to do so have been a dismal failure. We need a Savior to deal with our sin, both for the next life AND for this life.

My little family is just as prone to a legalistic way of life as I am. I so long for my children to be freed from the need to perform their way back into God's delight, and realize that they are already there. Their heavenly father delights in them, right now, today. I didn't expect that our trip to the state capital would give me an opportunity once again to share the message of grace with my son.

I am realizing that it is in the ordinaries, the dailies, where God speaks the loudest to me.

God Speaks . . . At Costco?

2009-05-14T09:09:00.003-05:00

Before I tell this story, I want you to know that I have debated for several hours about writing this. It was an important event in my life, but it reveals more about me than I think I want others to know. But I feel compelled to tell the story, so I guess I will jump right in. Some of you will respond with "Is that it? Isn't there more? Come on, you've got to have more." And others will say, "Good Golly Miss Molly, I had no idea she could sink that low." But alas, as much as I'd like to, I can't control you response. So, all premable aside . . . this is what happened to me at Costco last night.

It was meant to be a quick trip in and out. I was buying a gift for Brit, who gracious gives me time every Wednesday to go on a date with myself. I knew exactly what I wanted to get him and where it was. But as is common at Costco, those quick trips lead to carts so heavy I can barely push them and rather large sums of money being shelled out. As I grabbed Brit's gift, I thought . . . contact solution, I need that. It's really cheap here and then I won't have to stop at Target. So I rolled my cart over to the pharmacy area. And that is when God spoke to me.

No, I didn't hear his voice booming over the loudspeak saying "Chicken Potpie on sale in the Deli, now. Go fast." In fact I didn't hear an audible voice at all. But I knew it was God.

Before I finish the story, I need to give some background. Almost two years ago I started to really feel the pain of abuse that had been done to me. There were many, many days when I felt like there was no way I could handle anymore. So I began to use Benedryl (*disclaimer at the end*) to get to sleep. And then I would use Benedryl whenever I wanted to hide from my pain. It dulled the pain for me, much like alcohol might do for some people. It was a great place to hide. It's not physically addicting, so I told myself that it was okay. But, like all man made methods of coping with with our sin and pain, it involved hiding. Lots of hiding. I had shame about my pain and I had shame about the manner in which I was dealing with it.

I ran out of Benedryl a few months ago and hadn't bought any to replace it. I was okay. I was facing my pain and God was protecting me in it. But suddenly, I was standing in front of the Benedryl bottles -- those big bottles that have 400 tablets in them that sell for under $4.00. And I picked one up and put it in my cart. And God said to me, "I love you. Do you really need that?"

Me: "Of course I do, I need it to go to sleep."

God: "Do you? You haven't used it for several months. You've been sleeping just fine. I wonder if you are hiding from something Melissa. I love you kid. I love you."

Me: "But you said you'd love me no matter what I do, God, so I'm buying the Benedryl. I need it. I'm really afraid of some stuff that came up today. End of story."

God: "Ok. I do still love you. More than you ever know. But I wonder if you could trust me on this. Can you trust that you are deeply loved? I want so much for you to live out of that place. It's a good place Melissa. I'll protect you Melissa. You don't need to hide anymore. Those bad things that happened to you are in the past. I will give you the deep sleep you long for."

Me: "Thanks. But I think I'll take the Benedryl, just in case."

God: "That's fine. But when you want to talk about this issue, I'm here . . . standing by your side, ready to help you deal with it."

Me: "Great. I'll get back to you on that."

And I walked on and realized that I deeply wanted to trust God with this. I wanted to stop hiding. I wanted to feel the pain and grief that I knew might come in the night, because I wanted so desperately to experience God's love in that. But I felt like I couldn't. So the conversation continued.

Me: "So, if I trust you on this . . . you'll really be there for me?"

God: "I already am. I loved you before you walked into Costco and I'll love you when you walk out, no matter what is in your cart. But I so want you to experience what it feels like to believe what I have said is true about you."

And so the Benedryl went back on the shelf. Sorry to the Costo stockers -- I didn't take it back to where it belonged.

As I walked through the rest of the store, I felt like I had grown up. I was able to believe God and this trust enabled me to say no to a temptation that would have kept me in hiding. In that moment I felt love for God in a way that I had not known possible. He loves me! He protects me! He defends me! He has provided a way of dealing with my sin and shame that actually deals with it, not hides it. And when I am able to trust, I grow. I knew it last night. There was growth and healing in that incidient that enabled me to go home and face some difficult stuff. God's love was flowing through me last night. And it felt better than anything I've ever done to hide my sin and shame.

I am well aware that there will be many more conversations like this as I continue to mature. I know that until the day I die, I will struggle with sin issues. I know that I won't always make the choice to trust. But I also know that I don't need to stay hidden or be afraid of God when I don't make the right choices. I am chosen and deeply loved.

Thank you for the power of your love last night Papa. I love you more today than I ever have.

(*disclaimer* it is not my intention here to say that all sleep aids are ways of hiding. When Jonathan was hospitalized with leukemia, I needed them. They were a gift to me. There are people who have serious issues with sleep. At this point in my life, I do not. I know that my use of Benedryl is a way to hide. So, please . . . don't take on my shame. I don't judge you. Let God speak to you.)

Spiritual Maturity Part Two

2009-05-13T17:38:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking quite a bit the past 24 hours about the Barna report I read yesterday. I have realized that the message of grace doesn't sit well with many people. Grace has been abused and I think, not really understood by many in the church. It seems to be a word that we throw around with very little practical meaning.

So, I was listening to a great message by John Lynch which was preached atWoodmen Valley Church on April 26 of this year. I strongly encourage you to find some time to listen to his words. There is no way I can summarize what he has said more beautifully then he preached it. I did take the time to type out one quote, having to do with Spiritual Maturity, since that is what has been on my heart. He says:

Spiritual maturity takes place when we actually learn to be believe what God says is already true about me. Not what someday I might earn or be good enough to get. Put all that death away . . . It isn’t just that we know what the Bible says to be true about us in Christ but that we actually try it on and we wear it and we believe what Christ says is true about us. Godly people actually believe who they are in Christ and they live it out.

This I can do, with help from God and others. I already tried the doing everything the Bible says route. It just made me sick, exhausted, and more than a little depressed. The good news is that we are already righteous and that on my very worst day God is there with his arm around me saying, "I love you Melissa. I love you. You are my beloved daughter. Nothing you can do will make me love you more and nothing you can do will make me love you less. I'll help you deal with the pain and sin in your life. Us. Together. Not you trying to make your way back to me all by yourself. I've never left. I never will. I have chosen you and I will protect you."

Follow the Rules . . . or ELSE!

2009-05-12T12:33:00.008-05:00

I just read an interesting study put out by the Barna Group (click here to read it for yourself). The study looks at spiritual maturity and the struggle that Christians have with obtaining it. One of the most striking, but not surprising, results of the study was that the majority of Christians view maturity as keeping the rules. The study reports:

"One of the widely embraced notions about spiritual health is that it means “trying hard to follow the rules described in the Bible” – 81% of self-identified Christians endorsed this statement, and a majority agreed strongly (53%). Even among those individuals defined by their belief that salvation is not earned through “good works,” four out of five born again Christians concurred that spiritual maturity is “trying hard to follow the rules.”

Wow. I had no idea I was in such good company when I lived in the Room of Good intentions, trying with all of my heart to please God. It felt so lonely in there! This is a whole lot of people trying really hard to be accepted by God, who already accepts them and longs to stand with them as they face their sin issues.

Most Teachers Usually Don't Like Me

2009-05-12T10:35:00.006-05:00

It's that time of year when I start getting feedback from my students about their experiences in my classroom. I want to share one comment with you today, not to toot my own horn, but illustrate the incredible need we human beings have for loving, true affirmation.

Tammy (not her real name) wrote this to me yesterday:

Thanks for everything you have done for me. You have taught me some stuff that I didn't think I could do. You made me feel comfortable in here. You understand me and most teachers don't. You are one of a kind. I wish there were more people like you. Really I do. I really like you for all the weird times and fun things we did. You made this class way easier for me and most teachers usually don't like me. So thank you again. I will miss you.

I finished reading Tammy's note with tears in my eyes. Yes, she said some really nice things about me. And I think I can accept them as true about me. But what hit me the most was her line that most teachers don't like people like her.

Tammy learns differently than the traditional student (actually, I've yet to find anyone who learns optimally in the traditional way, but that's another post). Her learning issues are strong and go very deep. In grade school she was continually picked on by her peers because she couldn't read well. Her teachers would force her to read aloud in front of the class and when she couldn't perform well the torture continued far beyond the classroom walls. She began to act out -- who wouldn't? And so the very people who could have and should have protected her as she was learning to learn became the enemy.

When she entered my class, I encouraged her to write about her experiences with learning. As she shared with me her anxiety through her writing, I began to write notes back to her, affirming what she was doing well. I pointed out any creative idea. I showed her where her ideas connected in very unique ways. You see, Tammy has an incredible mind. She thinks about life in a way that so many of us would benefit from. But no one had shown this to her. The simple act of showing Tammy where she was doing well freed her up to explore her abilities in other areas. She wrote incredible papers for me . . . filled with the typical spelling and grammar errors that normally would have given her failing grades. In my class, I helped her fix them. I showed her strategies for getting help. I told her that writers who publish books have editors to fix these things and that she could look for editors as well to help her writing be readable to her audience.

But most of all, I loved this young woman. We were able, in our small little class, to create an environment of grace where love could flow and be accepted. This was the victory in that classroom for me. The things that I learned about my students this semester made me love them more, not less. Their weakness, their odd little habits, their frustrating behaviors . . . I loved them for those. And in turn, they trusted me to teach them something.

This is the power of love to heal deep wounds. This is what was given to me by a few dear people. They loved me when others did not. I learned to trust and then I began to mature. It still amazes me how God's love flows out of me. The change in my teaching came not from a clever technique or seminar that I went to. It came from being able to accept the love of God and others.

"You Are so Tough Melissa"

2009-05-11T11:08:00.005-05:00

I promise, Mom, that isn't my leg! At least not yet. My tattoo will be smaller and have Hawaiian flowers surrounding it. I have the imagine in my mind, just not the guts to put it on my body.

So why am I showing you a random picture of a leg with an Ironman Tattoo on it?

New followers of my blog may not realize that I have completed three Ironman Triathlons . . . that's 2.4 miles of swimming, 112 miles of biking, and 26.2 miles of running. Yes, in the same day. And if you don't finish in 17 hours you don't even get the t-shirt.

I was never an athlete. I still don't really consider myself one, although I'm told that's no longer accurate. Whatever. I'm not going there today as I look at my screwed up knee propped up on a chair. What prompted this post today was a comment from a co-worker a few minutes ago. He had heard me share part of my story last Friday and said, "I saw a side of you I never knew. You are so Tough." I didn't know what to say to him. I don't feel tough at all. In fact, I feel rather weak most of the time and wonder that others don't see it. As I thought about his words, I realized that he wasn't seeing the whole picture.

Here's what my co-worker doesn't know about me. Some day I hope to share this with him, when he's ready. Today I will share it with you. If it weren't for the love of God, I would not be alive today. I could not have surrived the last seven years without his incredible grace in my life. And if it weren't for the love of a few precious friends, I would not be alive today. I don't do what I do alone. I am weak, dependent, vulnerable. Really, truly, I am. I've known this about myself all of my life and started admitting it to God and others a few years ago. My apparent strength comes From God in me -- protecting me, defending me, loving me, working through me. It also comes from those people God has put in my life who have offered me protective love. They protect me in my weakness, the accept me for who I am, and they affirm me for what I do well. They don't let me get away with "I'm fine" when I'm clearly not.

So, my dear co-worker, it's not me you see that is tough. It is the work of grace in my life.

Papa, would you work through me that others could find the freedom that comes through accepting your love?

Pass it On

2009-05-09T16:58:00.003-05:00

Last week I opened up my fridge and a jar of jam fell out and landed not so gently on my foot. The first word out of my mouth was "CRAP." Now, for those who know me well, that is actually a very tame version of what I would normally say. I'm not sure what happened, but the salty language just didn't come. Sorry, I know some of you are disappointed.

But, the word apparently didn't sit well with the eight-year-old in our house who pulled me aside after the jumping around on one foot subsided and rebuked me ever so gently with these words . . . "Mom, did you know that we will be just like you when we grow up? If you don't want us talking like that, then you shouldn't either." Yikes . . . out of the mouth of not so tiny babes. Where did this child come from?

Actually I wouldn't have a problem with my children saying "CRAP" when a jar of jam fell on their big toe. I wouldn't have a problem with any other words they said in that moment either. It hurts to have a jam jar land on your foot. But as I've thought about this incident, I realized that I am passing on to my children some things that I really don't want them to have to carry the rest of their lives.

Yesterday Caleb came home really sad. He's my uber talented child who in 5th grade is doing math that my college students are struggling with and discusses books in ways that makes his College English teacher mother really proud. He's also a great athlete and wonderful friend. He has a kind, sensitive heart and when I see him with his peers I just have to smile.

So why was this boy sad? Because he came in 4th in the mile, instead of 3rd like he wanted. This disappointment followed a standardized math test where he only scored 4 points higher than in the winter. I actually didn't think he could go any higher. I mean, if you are doing high school and college math in 5th grade is there much more room to go?

As I listened to Caleb talk I realized that he has taken on most of his mother's perfectionism and desire to be the best. It was so sad for me to the see the weight of this on an 11-year-old boy. I wondered how he got this way and I realized that he learned it from me. Not just from watching me, but also from all the praise that he has received for his talents. He is a talented kid, but it occured to me that he also needs to be affirmed just for being . . . not only for doing.

And so as I listened and talked to Caleb I affirmed that I loved him so much for talking with me. I heard myself saying that I loved him for just how he did on those tests he took today. And that there was nothing that he could do that make me love him more nor anything he could do that would make me love him less. I told him that I struggled with some of those same feelings about wanting to be the best and that I was learning more and more to trust in what God has said is true about me.

I have a long way to go in learning how to parent my children's new natures, but I also know that everything that is in me wants to pass on a full measure of grace to my children. I long for them to be secure in their identity in Christ. I want them to know that when they fail, God still is incredibly in love with them. And that God will always stand beside them as they face their sin issues.

No Additional Words Necessary

2009-05-08T22:48:00.001-05:00

I'm longing for . . .

2009-05-08T13:37:00.002-05:00

A place like this.

Tolkien describes it this way in the Fellowship of the Ring.
Frodo was now safe . . . The house was as Bilbo had long ago reported, 'a perfect house, whether you like food or sleep or storytelling or singing, or just sitting and thinking best, or a pleasant mix of them all.' Merely to be there was a cure for weariness, fear and sadness.

Oh, how I need a place like that right now.

Process

2009-05-08T09:11:00.004-05:00

I love novels because they help me to understand how truth can be lived out in real life. One of my favorite novelists is Susan Howatch. Her books about the Anglican Church in England have been used over and over again to give me a picture of God's love and acceptance of me.

It sometimes amazes me how I can get the truth of grace so right some days and other days I feel as though I know nothing of God's love. Last night was such a time. I went to bed thinking, "I do NOT want to blog ever again." I felt as though I had nothing to say, that I was a horrible person who did horrible things. This time I think I'm up to my nose in the shame pool.

In the light of day, I don't feel much better. There is an ache deep in my heart that just won't go away. So I picked up my journal to find some words for today. Today you will hear less from me (although I've already revealed far more than I had intended), and more from Susan Howatch.

This quote comes from a priest who is helping an man who has been deeply wounded through spiritual, emotional, and sexual abuse. He's struggling on the road to healing and frustrated with the slow process. God's agent of grace says to him:

You can try again later. It's not an all or nothing situation . . . One should think of health as a journey towards a cure, a journey punctuated by healings . . . And anyway one can argue that a complete cure is never possible because no one can be completely well in mind, body and spirit. Such perfection simply doesn't exist in this life. It's the journey towards the cure that's so vital. (The Heartbreaker, p. 462).

These words are a comfort to me today. I know that in Christ I am chosen and dearly loved. He doesn't expect me to do everything right every day. That's Room of Good Intentions living. Instead he invites me to trust him with my sin issues. I'm struggling with the trust today, but God can handle that. He invites me on an honest journey towards healing and freedom. My journey will be filled with peaks and valleys. But God knew that when he chose me, and he chose me anyway.

Hiding

2009-05-07T13:17:00.010-05:00

One of the first lessons I learned in the Room of Good Intentions was hiding. I learned to hide my sin, my weaknesses, and my feelings -- especially my feelings. I suppose it was okay to be sad if something really bad happened, like a friend died or your son got cancer, but even then I was taught to say that "God works all things together for good", thus encouraging me to quickly move through that sadness to the joy that all Christians are supposed to feel. Other feelings, like anger, hurt, or disappointment were rarely, if ever justifiable. Jesus could get angry at the money changers in the temple, but there weren't any occassions that I thought merited that kind of anger in my life. I was wrong, of course, but since I wasn't talking about my pain no one was able to point it out. So, as I was hurt, I stuffed the pain. As people disappointed me, I buried it. As I faced abuse, I endured it.

As I left the Room of Good Intentions for the Room of Grace, I began for the first time to allow myself to feel. Yikes and Ouch! Those emotions can really sting. I was tempted for a long time to head right back over to the Room of Good Intentions, but as my good friend Richard was so fond of telling me "This genie is not going back into the bottle." To this day I love him for holding my feet to the fire when I so desperately wanted to jump ship.

Since I have been through so much to get where I am today, you'd think I would have this no hiding thing down pat. But I don't. And yesterday was a great example. I was deeply disappointed by someone yesterday who cancelled an apponitment we had made. Initially I didn't feel that I had a right to feel disappointed and so I stuffed it as I tried to get busy with other things. But there was a nagging in me that just wouldn't go away. So I began to sit with the feelings of disappointment. After awhile, they turned to hurt and very quickly then turned to anger. The funny thing is that I was less angry at him and more angry at me. I felt that I wasn't deserving of his time. I began to believe that NO ONE would chose to be with me. They would love me if they HAD to, but would never actually chose to do so. Intellectually I knew this to be false, but my emotions had taken over my brain.

Then . . . DING. DING. DING. My shame meter started to go off. I realized that I was neck deep in a pool of shame. The reaction that I was having was hugely out of proportion to the cancelled appointment by this trusted friend. What had been triggered were my deep feelings of shame that I could never be lovable. While the cancellation was not rejection, I had translated it into that.

So much for feeling my feelings, right? I struggled with wanting to go into hiding. I was suffering shame about my shame. Ugh. The only way out, I knew, was a path I didn't want to take. But somehow I made a commitment to truth and to trust. I would be honest with myself about how I was feeling. I would stay present to those feelings. And I would tell this friend how I felt.

Was I ever scared! I didn't feel any right to share my feelings, but I did it. And guess what? The world didn't collapse in on me. He didn't yell at me or get defensive. This relationship was and continues to be a place of grace for me. But I didn't feel any better.

I got off the phone and wondered why I still felt so awful. I continued the evening with this deep feeling of rejection, even though I knew that I hadn't been rejected. After some time and lots of tears had passed, I realized that I still hadn't trusted God with who I was in this moment.

This incident had tripped off a major area of my shame. As I'm learning, only love can heal the shame that is buried in me and I needed the love of my Father to begin to heal the ragged edges of my shame. So, I left a meeting early to get some space to be quiet. And in the stillness, I said these words:

As I've noticed and reflected on these feelings today Papa, I am really hurting. I ask that you would do the work of healing. I am climbing on your lap and accepting your gift of unconditional love and acceptance. I can hardly believe it, but you do love me freely, by YOUR choice. And your love is the only thing powerful enough to root out the shame and pain in mylife.

I heard these words in return:

Yes, I do love you Melissa. I accept you. Right now, in your pain, in your tears, in your fear that you will never be lovable. I am here, come cry on my shoulder. I will protect you.

At last I was able to be carried out of the pool of shame. I couldn't have done it, though, had I stayed in hiding. Hiding was my first response. And my second. And my third. But as I allowed the process to work, I found a bit of healing that never would have come through my clumsy attempts at dealing with my shame by myself. The subtitle to the book TrueFaced contains these words: Trusting God and Others with who you really are. One of the important words in this sentence is that little word AND. I need both God and a community of other grace-living people to live in the room of grace. Part of my healing came from being honest with this friend. The other part came from God. I needed BOTH. The truth of this was very evident to me yesterday.

I knowthis is not the end. I'd love to have the happily ever after that could claim that my shame is gone, healed, never to return. But I am continuing to learn to trust the process which involves staying out from behind the bushes I try to find to hide the real me.

Why What I Believe About Myself Really Matters

2009-05-06T10:11:00.007-05:00

It’s been over four years since Jonathan had his last dose of chemo and to look at the kid, you’d never know he had been sick. He no longer defines himself by his cancer. When we talk about his times in the hospital, I realize more and more that it is my memory that is fueling his. He will turn 13 this year and the only thing he loves more than being with people is fishing with people. He is equally at home with adults, peers, and little kids.

Moms have better memories for this sort of thing, I think. At least this one does. “Your son has cancer.” Those four words have power to do incredible things. The reality behind them changed me in ways that I still struggle with. Jonathan was recently hospitalized with pneumonia. While we were there, I had ample time to reflect on Jonathan and the history of his illness. I realized that I am very quick to define myself as “the Cancer Mom.” I don’t feel bad about this tendency; I think it is a normal reaction to that very stressful period of in our family’s history.

As I looked at his blood tests and saw how elevated his white blood counts were, I started to panic. Yvonne, one of our dear nurses, saw the fear in my face and came over to explain. She showed me what was excellent in his lab report and helped me to see that his body was having a normal reaction to the infection. His body was doing its job. Several hours later as I helped Jonathan try to stop a bloody nose I remembered her words and realized that there has been a subtle shift. It was just last year that I cancelled a trip because Jonathan had a bloody nose and I wanted to rush him to the doctor to check his platelets. This time, in the hospital, I didn’t have that same rush of fear. The reality was that the room was dry and Jonathan was sick. Yvonne’s words came back to me – “This is just pneumonia, not matter what your body responses might be telling you. I know you are scared, but we are here to help you.”

As I thought about this, I realized the same is true with my relationship with God. I have my own sinful past that can trigger a shame spiral as the memory of my sin attempts to convince me that I am completely unlovable. But the reality is that I am chosen by God, holy and beloved (Col 3:12). The more I can live out of this truth, the more I am able to do the things listed in Col 3:13-17 – showing compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. I am able to forgive and I am able to love. But first, I must live in the truth that I am holy and dearly loved. This is the truth about me. And some days, just like I need reminders from nurses that Jonathan’s blood tests look good, I need reminders from my community just how much God loves me. I simply cannot remember on my own how loved I am.

My TrueFaced Testimony

2009-05-02T13:54:00.004-05:00

I just returned from a fantastic trip to Phoneix where I spent three days basking in an environment of grace put together by the guys who wrote TrueFaced. It was wonderful being with others who are desperate for grace. When I returned, I decided to do two things (well actually more than two). First, I'm going to start blogging again. I've been doing quite a bit of private writing the past eight months and I think I am now ready to start sharing more about what is happening in my life. Second, I rewrote the story of my journey to incorporate some of the language that I believe more accurately describes what is happening in my heart. Often times words are not enough to describe the inner life, but I also know how much I benefit from hearing other people's stories towards grace. Here's mine:

I was THAT girl. You know . . . the one that your parents compared you to. The one whose name you learned to hate: “Why can’t you be like HER?” You see, when I was a teenager, I was completely sold out to God and everyone knew it. I carried my Bible to school, preached the good news to my friends (and anyone else who would listen), arranged prayer meetings, led Bible study groups, fought the school board when they tried to fire a teacher for teaching creationism as an alternative theory to evolution, went on mission trips, and had devotions every day. My nickname in the youth group was “Missionary Miss”. Everyone knew that I would turn out great, because I had such a heart for pleasing the Lord. I even skipped my senior prom because I was convinced that such things were an abomination to the Lord.

I went off to Bible school, got married, and headed for the mission field. I spent two the best years of my life living among the Kazakhs in Central Asia. It didn’t matter to me that we didn’t have heat all winter or that I had to wash my clothes in the bathtub with a plunger. I was glad to try the unusual foods presented to me, which included sheep’s head and horse sausage. And while I didn’t enjoy the fermented horse’s milk or the intestines that were part of the local cuisine, I was glad to try them for the sake of Jesus. I was willing to do anything to please my Lord.

But God had something else planned for me. If anyone had told me in high school that there would come a day when I no longer believed in God, I would have been shocked. I was very much like Peter before he denied Jesus. I was confident in who I was and that I would never be brought to a place of disbelief.

Things happened in my life that I was not prepared for. Serious relationship struggles, my son’s cancer, a cloud of depression and anxiety that would not go away. No one told me that life would be like this. My life was filled with shame over the way I had failed. And worst of all was God’s silence. I was very angry with God, but of course I could not tell a soul because the truth about my failure of a life might damage the gospel message. And so I went on doing my Christian things, hoping that if I tried hard enough, God would be pleased with me again. But instead I got worse. Until finally I found myself asking a trusted friend how on earth that he could believe that God was real. At last the floodgates opened and my angry heart found a voice. And it was a loud one. Read Job, read over half of the Psalms and you’ll find my words to and about God. Except I don't think the English translators put in the swear words.

I stopped striving and for a time, I stopped believing. Everything about my faith seemed toxic to me. I spent at least five years in a fog between belief and disbelief. They were very painful years.

But God never stopped loving me. Never. He was there, in the background – through friends who didn’t judge me, but didn’t stop praying either. And God gently wooed me back to himself as he showed me a different way to live. Not the room of good intentions where everything was Fine. But rather the room of grace where instead of living out of a desire to please the Lord, I live out of trusting him.

The difference is subtle, at least to some people. I still read my Bible, I still pray, and I still serve others. Mostly the difference is in the honesty that I have with God and others. When things aren’t Fine, lots of people know about it. My prayers sound very different. When I deal with sin in my life (and oh, yeah, I still sin) it is me and God working on my sin together – he stands with me, with his arm around me as we face those things.

Some times, okay lots of times, it is difficult to live in the room of grace. To be honest, I’m a bit more comfortable in the room of good intentions, because there I feel a measure of control. However, the problem with the room of good intentions is that as a human being, I was not created to handle my own sin. I don’t have anything in me to manage it. I’ve learned that I cannot resolve my sin by trying harder, going back to the basics, or by getting rid of all my stuff. I might change my behavior for a time, but sin is still there . . . it is just hidden.

My journey in the room of Grace is not done alone, nor is it meant to. We need each other, fellow travelers on this road to help us live this way. I frequently need reminders from others that it sounds like I’m trying to please God.

And so now, even on my worst day (and I still have them) I can imagine God looking down at me and saying to a nearby angel, “Hey did you see that girl down there, Melissa, my righteous one? I sure do love her. I love it when she talks to me, even when she uses those angry words. Did you see that crazy thing she did the other day? And did you see her bravery? She’s talking about it! She is learning to trust me!

The Gift of Others

2009-02-27T11:09:00.003-06:00

"Our prayer, our fasting, and our almsgiving is to be done before God and not for the approval of one another -- although we can give and gain support from each other in our Lenten efforts. So at home, in school, in whatever company you keep, encourage each other to mark this Lent as well." ~ Archbishop Vincent Nichols

I'm observing Lent this year. Not as a way to try to make God pleased with me, but as a constant reminder of my desire to continue to surrender to God. I'm using a small book, Small Surrenders, by Emilie Griffin to help guide me in this journey. The above quote was in the reading for yesterday.

I was struck by the words "give and gain support from each other." Over the past year, I've faced a radical shift in the way that I view God. In many ways, I believe that God has enabled me to tear down a number of false beliefs. This has been incredibly scary for me; at times I didn't know how I would survive some of the feelings I encountered as I began to shift my understanding of God.

But God (one of my favorite phrases, by the way), placed people in my life to give support for my journey. These people, none of them perfect, walked along side of me. They encouraged me to rest, to wait, to be patient with myself. They reminded me that God loved me passionately, even on the days when I felt my worst.

And to my great amazement, they are still here. They've seen me, the ugly me, the one I try to hide. And they love me, too. I can't quite believe that, but there are too many signs that say it is true.

So as I entered into this season of Lent, where my primary desire is to consciously let down my defenses against the grace of God, I want to invite others to join me in in the conversation. What defenses have we built up to protect ourselves from the fear of a life lived out of who God says we are? I know I have many . . .

Perfect

2008-05-13T14:25:00.002-05:00

Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen, "Anthem"

Anyone who visits my home will likely doubt the following statement. But the truth is, I am a perfectionist. It doesn't show itself in my housekeeping skills, but it comes to light in almost everything else I do. Perhaps the reason why it doesn't show at home is that I have finally resigned myself to the fact that with four young children, perfect housekeeping is completely not possible. I don't even try anymore.

But in my school work, in my teaching, in my thinking, in my actions -- I long to be perfect. I have this crazy idea that I could actually obtain perfection if I just tried hard enough. But I can't. I simply can't. And this causes me so much heartache, wasted time, and sleepless nights as I try to figure out how to minimize the disasters in my life. Maybe I can't be perfect, but if I could just appear to be perfect . . . alas, what a foolish thought.

So after a rather difficult weekend where I was much less than perfect in just about everything, I came across the poem posted above. God's surprise for me.

As I think about all of my "failures", I realize that it was through my weaknesses that God brought great blessing and honor to my life. He brought light into my life, and even though there are most certainly days and weeks when I can't or chose not to see the light, it is there.

Noah's Ark

2008-05-09T08:49:00.004-05:00

My first car was a white Buick skylark. I learned to drive it in the cemetery near our house. One of the distinguishing features of my first car was that it had been in a small accident and the letters, "skyl" had fallen off the logo -- hence it only said "Ark." So I called my little white car, "The Ark."

I didn't know it at the time, but one day my house would resemble Noah's ark. I'm not simply referring to the twins who came two who came two-by-two.

I'm primarily referring to the abundance of animals that live in our home. Not the pets, although we've had a number of those as well. I'm talking about animals of the stuffed variety. Andrew and Caleb have this thing about their animals. They are like little friends to them. Their animals have personalities and a family structure that I still struggle to grasp. These animals are divided up into families and clans and they each have their own unique role. It is not uncommon for me to walk into a room to find a full blown game of animal soccer being played, to see animals using light sabers in a Star Wars like battle, or to come home from a run to see animals hiding all over our yard as the children go on hunting trips.

Andrew's polar bear, Fridge, is a frequent visitor to our photos. Fridge goes on most of the family outings and sometimes sneaks his way to school. He "slips" into Andrew's pocket and peaks out when he wants to see something. Fridge also loves to have his picture taken!

I love this side of my children. I enjoy watching their imaginations flow. I like getting into their world and learning about the personalities of their "friends." I encourage this side of their play as I think it makes them great writers and story tellers. I will be so sad when these friends get packed up into bins. But for now I celebrate the imaginations that God has given my children and try to enjoy every moment.

Brothers and Sisters

2008-05-08T09:44:00.002-05:00

When Jonathan was ready to start kindergarden, my father was the superindendent of the school district where we lived. So, unlike many of my friends who have wrestled with private vs. public school vs. homeschooling, I didn't have a choice. My children were going to the public school in our neighborhood and that was that.

I can't believe that was six years ago. It seems like just yesterday that I was dropping my little bald headed son (he was on chemo then) off in a room full of strangers.

And now as I reflect back I am so thankful that God selected the school for my children to attend. He arranged some amazing things for my children at this "rough school" and I couldn't be more appreciative.

Jonathan had a difficult time making friends. He missed half of kindergarten. He was more than a little shy (no one believes this anymore). His first friend was a boy named Isaiah. As I picked up the phone to call his home and ask if Isaiah could come over to play, I couldn't have been more scared. I had no idea what I was getting into. And I had no idea of the amazing friendships that would come out of this one. You see, Isaiah has two bothers and a sister. His younger brother is the same age as Andrew and Caleb. His sister is the same age as Rachel. And this family of four is part of a much larger family. One of those other families also go to the same school as my children and they have four kids -- a son Jonathan's age, a son Andrew and Caleb's age, and two girls who are a year older and a year younger than Rachel!

The most amazing thing about these families is that they hold very similar values to ours. And the kids are the best of friends. Yesterday we took them all to the park -- three moms, twelve kids, amazing friendships. It was one of the best afternoons I've had in a long time. I'm still feeling so amazingly blessed today.

As I look over my life and all of the moves that I went through in the early years of my marriage, as I think about the deep lonliness I felt at times, I am deeply grateful that God led us back to my hometown and to this part of my hometown. And I'm really glad that my father was in the position he had been in -- because I probably would not have sent my children to a public school if he hadn't. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Aika

2008-05-06T11:26:00.004-05:00

The kids and Aika at Christmas time. Oh, and Andrew's polar bears. It's been fun for the kids to have a big sister, I think. As I reflect back on the past few months of having a teen age daughter, I have to say that it really wasn't all that bad. Yes, at times she annoyed me. But there were other times when I felt so blessed to have her in our home. In many ways I wish that she could have visited our family at a different season of our life, but she was there during one of my bleakest periods.

In some ways, I think she was part of what pushed me over the edge and back to desiring God. Not her so much, but rather what she represented. Having her in our home forced me to go back and remember Kazakhstan in a deeper way. To remember what was so great about it, and what was so challenging. It helped me reconnect with some of my friends who are still there. It hurt to remember all of those people that I left. It really hurt to remember all of the dreams that were abandoned. But it was remembering that needed to be done so that I can move ahead into what God wants me to do today.

So, I'm glad she came into our lives and I will miss her when she is gone. She is very different from me -- and at times I couldn't stand her vanity, but she taught me so much about myself and my children. I thank God for sending Aika into our lives. I believe that when she first came, I thought that God had brought her to us so that we could help her -- but in the end, I think that I got much more out of the bargain. Not because she was so wonderful, but because she could be a challenge to live with. I don't think I got it right most of the time, but I sure learned an awful lot.

A Chance to Help

2008-05-05T09:34:00.003-05:00

Last week I talked about getting an award from the TRIO program at the college where I teach. I talked about the joy in discovering who had nominated me. Well this morning I saw Layla in the hallway outside my office. She was speaking in Somali on the telephone and was obviously upset. When she got off the phone, she came to me and told me the story. She was trying to help a neighbor get a doctor's appointment for her 2-year-old who had put something into her ear. She was unable to convince the appointment maker at the doctor's office to give them an appointment and was so concerned that this little girl would lose her hearing. She came to me and asked me if I could call the doctors office. I did so and was able to make an appointment for the girl later this morning.

Layla turned around as she was leaving and gave me a huge hug. And as I've reflected on this tiny opportunity to do something for another person I realized that helping others is a huge part of who I am. I am at my best when I'm serving others.

And it was also a good confirmation for me that I'm where I need to be right now. My mind is always cooking with other opportunities, other things that I could or should be doing. But between Layla and another student who shared some very difficult things with me last Friday, I know I'm in the right place right now. Opportunities to make a difference in the lives of others surround me. All I have to do is open my eyes, ears, and heart -- and make myself available to help when needed.

Weekend Surprises

2008-05-05T09:20:00.004-05:00

Friday's surprise came during a wonderful evening out with Marcia. Everytime I spend time with her I am reminded of God's grace in my life. She came into my life when I needed a friend most and she has never left. She has shown me what God's love is like -- she didn't leave when I rarely spoke to her, she didn't leave when I made decisions she questioned, she didn't leave when I raged at God. We have both taken the Strength Finders test and have one of our strengths in common -- connectedness. As we have recognized this, it is so obvious in our conversations that we both share this strength. We love to find the connections in the things that we read, hear, and the people that we know. I am able to tell Marcia things and she will say, "Wow," when others look at me like I'm nuts. She gets my incredible need to find connections everyone. Anyway, I was reminded on Friday night how unbelievably blessed I am to have her in my life!

Saturday's surprise was finally seeing the sun! It has been cold and grey up here for more days than I care to recount. After a cold windy start, the sun eventually came out and warmed our pale skin. The kids went outside and played for hours in the afternoon. It was so neat for me to watch them play together -- they use their imaginations so well and have long standing "dramas" that they have been playing for years. Each one of them plays various characters (most of them dogs) and each character has very distinct personalities that can be seen on the face and in the voice of the characters they play. I love to watch them play like this.
Sunday's surprise was the opportunity to get on my bike and ride, ride, ride. It almost didn't happen -- the day was crazy with all sorts of "emergencies" and as I told Marcia my story during the ride she wondered that I didn't call and cancel the ride. But I didn't and I was so glad. It was warm, it was sunny, and I needed that long ride in the worst way. It was another day to spend with my best friend, and another chance to thank God for the strength and time that I have to be able to ride my bike.

Be the Surprise

2008-05-02T13:12:00.004-05:00

One of the things that I didn't write about when I talked about Surprise Me God is that I also found a book by the same author titled Be The Surprise. While I am not officially doing a "Be the Surprise" faith experiment, I realize that with my personality type I am very likely to see God in the act of serving others.

So, yesterday was May Day. You know, the day where people hang flower baskets on door knobs, ring the bell, and run away. Or maybe you don't know. It seems that this tradition has really died out. I wanted to introduce my children to this act of giving, so we purchased two bundles of tulips yesterday and set out to bless two families in our neighborhood.

The first house we stopped at was Bernice and Neil's. Bernice is our neighbor who is dying from leukemia. It was the first I had brought the children with me to visit her and I was so glad that we did. While we were there I watched my daughter's heart in action. She felt so much compassion for Bernice that she took off her favorite charm that she had hanging on her jacket and gave it to Bernice. For Rachel this was a huge gift. And it almost made me cry.

The second house we stopped at was Howard's. Howard is an older man in our neighborhood who recently lost his wife. Currently his son and daughter-in-law are living with him, but they will be returning to Japan in June -- and Howard will have to leave his home. He is very sad about this. So we spent over an hour at his home talking with Howard, his son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter. While we went to bless someone else, I strongly believe that we received a huge gift as we sat in their home and talked. This is a wonderful family and I felt so honored to be in their home. I wish that I had gotten to know them sooner. But I won't let the "I wishes" diminish the joy that I felt as we sat in their home. Instead I will use those regrets to push myself to interact with more people -- and to step out of the box of my comfort zone. I receive so much joy from serving others -- and as I do this it really takes the focus off the pain and issues of my own life.

The Prize

2008-05-02T13:02:00.003-05:00

Okay. I admit that it wasn't the Nobel Peace Prize. It wasn't even a big prize. But it was a wonderful surprise for me, coming at a time when I needed it most.

Today I attended an awards lunch for teachers who had been nominated by students for excellence in teaching at the college where I work. I was very excited to be one of those receiving an award. What elevated this to a surprise from God is that I found who nominated me. It was a student that I've had for several classes over the past two years. She started out slowly, but has really worked hard and excelled in her work. In her letter to me she wrote that I was the one who taught her how to read in a way that she could understand. I was in tears. Her letter was so thoughtful and specific about ways that I had helped her -- things that I didn't even know were significant at the time. I will treasure this letter for a long time.

I know that I love to teach. I know that sometimes I do a good job with it. It just feels so good to be affirmed for doing something that brings me so much joy. Thank you Layla for saying thanks. I'm so proud of the progress you have made and for the willingness to thank those who have assisted you in your journey. And thank you for God having this ceremony at a time when I needed it most!

Wednesday's Surprise

2008-05-01T11:58:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I came home from an afternoon of running around town to find a bag tied to my back door. I love surprises like this. In the bag was a note and a present -- and I had NO idea who it was from. Until I read the card. I was so surprised that Marilyn had given me a book, and even more surprised to find that it was this one. About a month ago I picked up Renovation of the Heart and eventually put it down as I had other pressing things to read. What a special surprise from God this was. And it came on a day when I most needed it. I didn't know it at the time, but I was heading for a big crash later in the evening.

I had a very difficult evening and am still dealing with the ramifications of what happened last night. But as I reflect on my day yesterday I have to remember that God was there, and that in preparation for the later events he made it clear that he was still going to surprise me in big ways. I'm struggling today, but I'm also making the choice to remember what God has done and what he is currently doing in my life today.

The Power of Five Bucks

2008-04-30T12:33:00.004-05:00

So last fall I read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I was completely engrossed in this story and for days believed that the characters were really people. I grieved deeply for Frannie and her family as they experienced various losses. When I finished reading, I felt a sense of loss that I couldn't know more about this family.

What on earth does this have to do with a five dollar bill? As I was reading the book, I read about a savings plan that involved saving all of the five dollar bills that come into a person's possession. This reminded me so much of the tin bank that Frannie's mom had nailed to the floor, that I just had to try it. So for two months, I didn't spend any five dollar bills. I added to this pot, all of the change that I received, any surprise money that came my way (extra tutoring jobs), and any money that I was going to spend but didn't (as in turning down buying coffee and bringing my own). By Christmas I had well over $300 saved up! It made me realize how much money I spend without thinking about it. And it also enabled us to spend money that we didn't expect on Christmas gifts. I can't tell you how good it felt to go into my secret hiding place and pull out a wad of money to spend on Christmas. We've been digging out from under a pile of bad business debt and money had been tight for all of my recent memories. It was so nice just to be able to be generous at Christmas last year.

Goody Goody

2008-04-30T12:14:00.004-05:00

When I'm depressed, I tend to do things I normally wouldn't do. I signed up for the IM Kona lottery in a post Ironman funk. I wrote a sob story letter trying to win our family a furnace this past winter when I was really depressed (we won a food basket!) And this early spring when I was just coming out of a period of deep anxiety, I applied for a sponsorship with Goody.

I was quite surprised to find that I had been chosen. You see, I'm not a great athlete. In fact for the first year that my coach called me athlete I secretly called him a liar. Me an athlete? Ha. Ha. Ha. I imagined the Goody people reading my application and falling off their chairs with laughter. But for some reason they saw something they liked and so now I am wearing the Goody colors this racing season.

The interesting thing about this is how it changed my approach to training. Once I became a sponsored athlete, I started acting like one. I started working out regularly. I started watching what I ate (most of the time!). I started taking better care of my body by adding strength and flexibility training to my workouts. There was something about knowing that I was worthy to be sponsored that made me want to live worthy of this.

As I've reflected on the changes made by the Goody sponsorship, I realized that there could be many parallels to my spiritual life. God has already declared me his child. He loves me as my Father. He has shown me grace when I didn't even want it. He had come down from heaven and offered me a life beyond my imagination. But so often I don't believe this. I don't live like a child of God. I don't reflect the things that he values and loves. The more I think about this, the more I think that I need to think more about the relationship that God desires to have with me as a means to changing my behavior. Believe me, if a person could become who they want to be by sheer determination and works alone, I'd be doing it. I've tried over and over again, not to earn my salvation, but to earn God's approval. And yet, I ALREADY HAVE IT. If I could just live in the realization of those words. That's the place that I want to dwell.

More Surprises

2008-04-30T11:33:00.003-05:00

I was talking with Marcia last night and I realized that as I go through this faith journey, I seem to have more and more surprises happening. I don't know that my life is all that different, but I seem to be able to discern God's presence much more than I have in the past.

So, Monday -- I got an opportunity to ride my bike right after school. I didn't pay attention to the fact that it was only slightly above freezing (35 degrees) and that there was actually a windchill. Fortunately I did put on warm clothes and I was comfortable. As I was riding I started feeling really good. I mean really good. No, I mean really really really good -- as in, this is why I exercise feeling good. And I was reminded in that moment of the three Ironman races that I have done. I remember a coach once telling me, "In Ironman racing, you need to manage those highs and lows. You can't let the highs get too high or the lows too low. Otherwise you may not be able to finish." And as I reflected on those words said to me long ago, I realized that in the marathon of life this is also true. I tend to a person of extremes -- I'm either really good or really bad, with little room in the middle. As I make the journey on the road towards recovery I'm seeing that I need to learn to do what I've done with my racing life -- manage the highs and lows. Find a middle way that is comfortable to live in. Believe me, I'd much rather be up all the time. But the reality is that I don't think my body was made to do that. What was really special to me about this surprise is how God spoke to me through the language of triathlon. It's a language that I understand very well and it made sense to me. I'm learning that God loves to use those things that are important to us to teach us more about life.

Tuesday seems to always be a day full of just strange things. Last week while I was at Barnes and Noble, I felt a strong urge to purchase a book called Feel. I don't often buy books at B&N because my brother owns a bookstore so I can get what I need through him. I am also a huge fan of the libary and at any given time have 20-30 books checked out. But for some reason I knew that I needed to buy this book. Then I went to my group meeting and at the meeting one of the women started talking about how she was just starting to "feel" again and was very uncomfortable with the process of learning how to feel and learning to deal with the feelings. All at once I knew that I had bought the book for her.

So this week I went to B&N looking for a surprise. Well, not really . . . I actually went to buy the book Strength Finders (more on this later), but decided to go back to the aisle where I knew I had to buy a book so I could revisit that feeling. I must confess that I was kind of hoping to have the same experience. I was browsing through the books, sort of looking for a title that I had found at Northwestern Bookstore two weeks ago and a women asked me what was on my hand. Eariler in the day one of my Somali students put a henna design on my hand and so I explained to this stranger about the markings on my hand. Well, this seemed to open the door for conversation and she started asking me about what I was looking for. I couldn't remember the book title, the author, or much about the subject so I just kind of tried to mumble something. Really I wasn't looking for anything. I didn't want to tell her that I was waiting to hear the voice of God.

Then she asked me if I had read the book Captivated and I replied that I had heard of it, but never read it. Now the truth is that I never planned on reading this book. I tend to shy away from the popular books every one reads and instead look for things that are more on the edge (I've never read the Purpose Driven Life and have no plans to read it in the future. ) At this point I was ready to end the conversation with this woman and was pleased to see her take off. But she came back 10 seconds later with a book, Captivated in her hands. She put in my hands and said, "Here, I think you need to read this." And then she disappeared. I mean she really disappeared. I know I saw her walk off, but she walked off so fast that I was amazed. She had been so chatty that I would have expected her to tell me why I needed to read this book. And so, the bizarreness of this exchange means that I now have the book Captivated and plan to read it this week. Maybe this was nothing, but in the context of my life at the moment, I am listening carefully to the voices around me. God has not brought people into my life by accident and I believe that I can and should learn from those who speak to me. Do I dare go to B&N again next week????

Rachel and Elizabeth

2008-04-29T08:54:00.002-05:00

I had the awesome experience of being at the birth of my neice, Elizabeth Joy. She was born during a really dark period of my life when most of my days were filled with anxiety. I spent weeks with uncontrollable shaking. Elizabeth's birth was a like a breath of fresh air breathed in my life. I remember driving away from the hospital at 2 am just knowing that life was going to be okay. I didn't know how I would get better, but I knew that it had to for this precious new person in my life. There was someone new in the world and I had been able to be there when she took her first breath.

And life has gotten better. Much better than I had ever dreamed. I'd often looked at choices I've made in my life and wished for an opportunity to "do over." And now I feel like I've been given that chance. Nothing in my circumstances has really changed. What has changed is my connectedness with God. I'm learning to see the various aspects of my life as being a part of God's continued work in my life. He has been here all along and will continue to be active in my daily life. This experience of doing "Surprise Me God" has also enabled me to see God's hand in the past seven years. I've discovered a number of things that make me feel incredibly blessed.

You Watch Over Me

2008-04-28T13:29:00.001-05:00

One of my current favorite songs. I think the reason it speaks to me is that I'm just now seeing how God has been watching over me, even when I couldn't see it. Even when I didn't want to believe that He existed. Even when I denied that I ever loved Him. It is wonderful to know that God's love for me is not dependent on what I do. The words of this song have literally happened in my life. Listen . . . especially if you are despairing today.

A Weekend of Surprises

2008-04-28T12:17:00.001-05:00

I seem to be in that sweet stage of life where I can see God working all around me. After such a long time in darkness, it feels great to be able to see once again. So, Surprise Me God . . . this is having the effect that I had hoped in that I find myself talking to God often during the day. The loneliness that used to be so crushing seems to be fading away as God is filling more of my life with him -- and with the people that he is bringing into my life. Top Surprises for the Weekend:

Friday -- this one started on Thursday. I got a little angry with a coworker on Thursday afternoon, and convinced I was right, went on to tell several others about the incident. Later that evening, as I was sharing with another friend, he tried to say something about maybe I was wrong, and I went ballistic. And then I heard the voice of God saying, "You could be wrong, Melissa . . . and even if you aren't, you are not acting in a loving way towards this coworker." Yeah, I guess you are right was my only reply. And I knew then that I would have to make amends to this person. In the past, I would have made huge deal of this and would have sacrificed many hours of sleep and productive work time obsessing about what I was going to say. But Friday morning, I woke up, knew what I had to do and did it. This simple act of saying, "I’m sorry", was just that -- a simple act of obedience that did not need to consume my life. But in the past it would have. A gift of grace from God to me on this day. And certainly a big surprise for me as to how good it felt to walk away from a conversation and know that God was pleased.

Saturday – I’ve never been good at making decisions when I have a multitude of choices. Abundance paralyzes me. That’s one reason I liked Kazakhstan so much. If we found cheese, we bought it. We didn’t have 50 different varieties to select from. It was just cheese. Milk was the same way. No options between different brands. Not even the choice between different fat contents. Milk was just milk, usually unpasteurized, and almost always straight from the cow that morning. We could buy two kinds of bread – flat or loaf. It was really a gift for me to live in such an environment.

For the last 14 weeks I’ve been able to set aside Tuesday evenings as night to “date myself.” I have about two hours between two separate meetings and this has been set aside as my time – to read, to pray, to cry, to sing, to browse at Barnes and Noble, or to talk with a friend. I also usually go out to eat somewhere. When I first started this “date myself” night, I thought that I would try out a whole bunch of new restaurants. But the reality is that over the past 14 weeks, I’ve gone to on place 11 times, another place twice, and one place only one time. Once again, the pressure to make a choice among the hundreds of eating establishments available to me forced me to go to the same place. I’ll probably be there again this week!

That’s the background. Saturday night we went to a concert (which was also a wonderful surprise) and at the concern they had children from World Vision that could be adopted. When I walked in, I stopped to talk to Marcia, who was working at the World Vision table. I told myself that I couldn’t even look at the pictures there because I wouldn’t be able to choose. After listening to a World Vision presentation, I felt as though I needed to adopt a child, but my mind was also running wild with excuses. I went back to a smaller table (less children to select from and Marcia was standing there) and started to look. I immediately got overwhelmed and decided other plans for my money. And then I saw her. Sheron – the child that God had selected for me. I can’t tell you how I knew – I just knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was the one.

It was so good to just know that God wanted me to adopt her. It felt so good to finally dismiss all the excuses for giving. I’m really excited about what starting this means for me and more importantly Sheron and her family. I’ll share more about her late (and a picture)!

Sunday – Another day filled with surprises. It’s hard to pick just one. Today at Church the sermon was on I John 3: 11-18 – the passage on love and seeing others in need and being active in our love towards others. This goes right along with the books that I’m reading and the things that I have been thinking about. And God gave me the opportunity to reconnect with an older man in our church who actually lives on our block. I learned that he is moving to a nursing home early next month and that his family will be heading back to Japan (they are missionaries there). He was so delighted to talk with our family, and we’ve made a commitment to continue visiting him. What was most surprising to me about this event is that immediately after a sermon where I was just longing to show love to another person, God literally put that person in my path. He almost made it impossible NOT to do something. It’s been a long time since I have heard those small promptings of God in my life. And while at times these promptings have “wreaked havoc” in my schedule, they have also brought immeasurable joy into my life.

From Cynic to Celebrant

2008-04-25T08:38:00.004-05:00

Can I not celebrate God in this life, too?

This is a picture of Noah, Jonathan's friend who went to heaven after fighting leukemia for almost a year. His life and death serve as an important reminder to me of what is really important in life. This picture has stayed in my mind since the moment I saw it. I long to live a life a freedom and celebration as my children do. For my children, God is here now -- right now, today. They pray with a faith that I so often lack. When I'm upset about something, they remind me to talk to God about it. They don't love God only for a future salvation in heaven, but also for the way that he is present in their lives today.

" . . . All kinds of embarrassing things [are] being done in the name of God. Religious extremists of all faiths have perverted the best of our traditions. But there is another movement stirring, a little revolution of sorts. Many of us are refusing to allow distorted images of our faith to define us. There are those of us who, rather than simply reject pop evangelicalism, want to spread another kind of Christianity, a faith that has as much to say about this world as it does about the next. . . There's a movement bubbling up that goes beyond cynicism and celebrates a new way of living, a generation that stops complaining about the church it sees and becomes the church it dreams of. And this little revolution is irresistible. It is a contagious revolution that dances, laughs, and loves. (The Irresistible Revolution, p 24)

For the past few years, I've given myself the title "The cynic in the 3rd row." Always questioning, many times skeptical, and mostly angry I watched the religion of my childhood lose most of its meaning. Religion, as I practiced it, just didn't work in the real world. Although I knew that I was saved by God's grace alone, I also had an awful lot of rules and regulations worked into my belief system that made me feel as though I was never measuring up.

But I'm slowing coming to a new kind of faith. One with a living God who is active in not only the world, but also in my life -- creating something new and creating something beautiful. A God who has compassion for the sick, mercy for the poor, and wants to bless me by allowing me a part in his creative acts that are continuing to this day.

Last week I saw once again, a side of church that disturbs me. Family fueds over worship style still plagues the body of believers where I worship. As I sat in a meeting, my heart was heavy as I witnessed the pain that people I loved were inflicting on others -- all in the name of love, unity, and pursuit of truth. It was easy for me to want to join my little group and get into one of those holy huddles that involves gossip, slander, and a few Bible verses to show that God is really on my side. I thank God that He gave me the grace to be able to resist this temptation and instead spend some time talking with Him those involved (including me!)

I want to be a part of a group of believers who resists the temptation to do what we have always done. I want to join with others to actually create solutions that lead to further worship of God. I want to be part of a generation that stops complaining about the church it sees and becomes the church it dreams of.

I've already go my surprise for today!

2008-04-24T11:45:00.003-05:00

This was quite amazing. I love animals. Big and small. Furry and not so furry. This winter we spent a great deal of time feeding the squirrels who inhabit the many oak trees in our yard. We had some nuts left over from Christmas, so Jonathan put them out on the deck and we spent many hours enjoying the gift of God's creation. The squirrels would get so brave that they didn't even mind that Oreo and Pumpkin (the house cats)were also enjoying the show.

So today, I'm getting ready to start class and one of my students says, "Hey Melissa, guess what I've got?" And out pops a baby squirrel from his shirt pocket. I thought it was a toy, but it looked so real. And yes, indeed, it was real. Someone in his family accidently killed the momma squirrel, so they are taking care of the babies. This little guy was so tame. Yes, I held it. And we all watched it playing around Andrew's jacket during class.

This has so many elements of God written all over it. I can't tell you how much I needed to have a baby squirrel in my class today -- especially this class. I wouldn't have been able to tell you that this is what I needed today, but I sure did.

I'm walking around today with a sense of wonder of what an interesting life I actually lead here in the town of my birth that I once despised.

Suprise Me, Day One

2008-04-24T10:30:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure what I expected with this faith adventure that I'm doing with Marcia. Was God going to send a dozen roses for my kitchen table? That would be a cool surprise. Or maybe I'd come home and my bathroom would suddenly be tiled so that I could actually take a shower again. That might be on the order of miraculous! But instead I found myself at the end of the day last night wishing that I wasn't doing this silly thing. Had God actually surprised me with anything? I had way cooler things happen in the past few weeks when I wasn't asking him to surprise me.

And then I realized that I've more or less been living my life like this for the past few weeks. I've been expecting God to do things in my life, and he has. And I reviewed yesterday again this morning I began to see God's hand in a number of things.

My neighbor is dying of cancer. Leukemia. Yeah, how could that be God's working in my life? And yet what I saw yesterday afternoon showed me how much God is changing me. Several weeks ago he gave me the courage to go over there and just be with this family. And he is continuing to give me that courage, as I seem to lack it just before I ring their doorbell on any given afternoon. Yesterday while I was there, she showed me some sores on her legs. I have never seen something so painful looking in my life. So -- what's my point? As I was reading The New Friars, (yes, that book again), I was wishing that I could be in a place where I could help take care of the dying. And it hit me this morning that God is giving me just that sort of opportunity. By my brief visits I am able to bring some of God's love into this family's life. And I realized as I left yesterday that for the first time I was able to be with someone who had leukemia and NOT assume that Jonathan's cancer was going to come back. So, there's two gifts in here. It is NOT easy to watch someone die. I often feel very sad when I think of Bernice and Neal. But at the same time, it is a gift to watch Bernice as she prepares to move from this life into the next one. She loves God so much and is ready to see her Father.

There's more, but I think that is enough for the day. God is full of amazing surprises for me, and many of them appear to be in the ordinary day-t0-day life of loving him.

You Love my Mission more than Me

2008-04-23T12:43:00.009-05:00

I tend to read dangerous books. I don't mean dangerous books on the order of the Monster Book of Monsters that bit several students in the Harry Potter series, but rather dangerous to my mind, my heart, and my lifestyle. On the back cover of The New Friars a reviewer writes, "This book needs a warning label: Beware, dangerous to your health, your service, your life." And so I read the book.

And for a while I was berating myself for doing so. I've just recently began feeling a measure of emotional, physical, and spiritual health. I told myself that this book was going to make me feel discontent again and that it would stir up longings that were not going to be able to be met.

Ever since I was 14 years old, I've wanted to live on the edge of Christianity. This desire formed the greater portion of my identity. I would go to the least reached and share the gospel with those who were least likely to hear. I read and listened to Keith Green with a passion not understood by my classmates.

And then life happened. And suddenly I was back living in the town that I swore I would never live in again and attending the church that I thought I would only visit once every four years while home on furlough. Or maybe, I thought, I would never take a furlough.

Actually there was a lot of time in there where I was living on the front lines. And I loved it. I was passionate about the work I was doing, and while I was also being abused, I didn't care all that much. It was just part of the price that I felt I had to pay to be in God's beautiful service. I loved his mission.

And then the darkness came. Suddenly I was cynical about all of it. I've spent the better part of the past eight years in very difficult times. I'm just now walking into the light and seeing how dark my life was.

Enter The New Friars. It is the first "mission" book that I've picked up in over ten years. I felt a little guilty reading it because I didn't think it would be safe for me. I almost felt a little rebellious. I certainly wasn't going to tell anyone that I was reading it. I knew that it would feed my guilt about what I felt was a wasted life, but I didn't care.

And God surprised me. In a major way. Because, while this book is most certainly about an amazing group of young people who have taken on vows of poverty that I envy, I found something much more important in the book. I discovered that all of my life I have loved God's mission more than I have loved him.

Scott Bessenecker writes of this experience learning this for himself. He tells of shoveling snow off his driveway on a grey snowy day. He talks of the disappointment he felt with his life and begged God to give him a calling. Scott writes:

"You love my mission more than you love me," Jesus said to me. At first I found this a bit offensive. I suppose Peter might have felt the same way when Jesus kept asking him later, "Do you love me?" (John 21:15-17). How can this be, I wondered? Of course I love you, Lord. But then I began to ask myself, what was it that motivated me? What was it that I thought about and dreamed about and obsessed about? It was his mission. Indeed, I did love his mission more than I loved him. It was true. I was in pursuit of Christ's mission, and in the process I had passed by the Mission Giver without so much as a "hello."

As wonderful as it is to bring the kingdom of God to the hollow places on earth, even this is rubbish in comparision to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus. Intimacy with Christ must be first. Without it, mission is empty and self-serving. I stopped purusing his mission on that day and began giving myself more completely to him -- whether that would lead me permanently overseas or not. (p. 98-99)

I stopped reading at this point and realized that this was me. I could easily have written these words. I wanted to Do for God, not Be for God. I didn't want to pursue loving him first; I wanted to show him my love through my actions in his service. And the more "on the edge" that service was, the better for me.

So, I've been basking in the love of God for the past few days. I've been learning to love Him, and making him supreme in my life. As I see it, this journey of loving God has enough to keep me busy for a lifetime. I'm learning to enjoy and live in the very moment that I am in, rather than obsessing about future plans for my life. Much of the anxiety that I've struggled with for the past few years seems to be melting away.

I'm thankful for dangerous books. And even more thankful for a gracious Father who created in me a desire to read such things and then used that desire to teach me far more than I ever imagined about myself. I finished "the guilt" book two days ago and didn't feel the overwhelming presence of guilt that I had expected. Instead I was filled with an amazing sense of the grace and goodness of God.

Notes from The New Friars

2008-04-23T12:11:00.003-05:00

I loved this book. I was challenged, I felt joyous, and I felt grieved as I read it. As I came to the finish I found that the qualities that Scott uses to describe the qualities of the new friars are indeed ones that I long to embrace in my world, right here, right now. They are (taken from page 172):

incarnation--tearing down the insulation and becoming real to those in trouble

devotion -- making intimacy with Christ our all-consuming passion

community -- intentionally creating interdependence with others

mission -- looking outside ourselves

marginalization -- being countercultural in a world that beckons us to assimilate at the cost of our conscience

This is the kind of life that I feel called to lived.

2008-04-23T09:41:00.007-05:00

Yes, I actually finished Ironman Kona. It was a dream come true in so many ways. Life was very challenging for me in the months after the race, so I don't think I fully enjoyed the memories of my incredible accomplishment.

The following is a report that I wrote after my race. Enjoy . . .

Those who know me best understand why I race Ironman. The answer is really simple; it’s not because I’m fast or really good at it; it’s simply that I can. After my Wisconsin finish, I promised myself that I was done for awhile. But in that post IM depression that I’m finally getting used to, I had a weak moment where I decided to enter the Kona lottery. And promptly forgot about it until I got an e-mail late last April. My training this summer was really rough. I battled a lot of issues that I never had before. Fatigue and stomach problems were my constant foes and I had to remind myself all summer that I am really lucky to do this.

As it turns out, I needed these experiences to get through my race at Kona. As I was struggling through the race, I thought many times about my son and his battle with cancer. Thoughts of his treatment kept me going when I really wanted to quit. And I was reminded on a regular basis of those kids that didn't make it: Noah, Katyln, and Gabby. My life is richer for knowing you, even for such a short time. You taught me that I have so much to be thankful for.

As for my race, like many other lottery winners, I struggled with thoughts of “I don’t belong here” in the months and days leading up to Kona. But once the cannon went off, those thoughts disappeared and I realized that no matter what others thought of me, I had done the work, and I was here, and I was going to finish. No matter what.

The swim was great. I stayed about 150 yards back from the start and away from everything. I had clear water the entire way. The highlight on my swim was seeing two pods of dolphins. The first was a group of five babies who were swimming right under me. I stopped for about 2 minutes just to watch them swim. The second group I saw on my way back -- this time there had to be about 20 of them and they were jumping and playing all around me. There was also a group under me. There went another 3-5 minutes. Needless to say my swim time indicates that I spent quite a good deal of time dolphin watching rather than swimming. I actually forgot that I was supposed to be racing an Ironman for a time. It was truly amazing!T1 was uneventful. Just went through my routine as quickly as possible and got two puffs of sunscreen (not nearly enough).

I got on my bike after that great swim and was surprised at how empty I felt. I didn't want to race at all. The first 10 miles were just gutting it out, trying to think of a reason to stay on my bike and not go join my family for a late breakfast. After we got out of Kona I found my groove and I felt pretty good for about 30 minutes. I ate, drank, and was having a lot of fun. I even passed a few people. Then the stomach issues hit and I really never felt good again the rest of the day. Fortunately they were serving cola on the course and I knew from experience that drinking that should help. So I literally did the whole day on cola (my rocket fuel), small sips of gatoraid, and an occasional pretzel. On the way back from Hawi, the cross winds were really strong and I had to work hard to stay on my bike and off the pavement. I was really glad that I had ridden this part earlier in the week and practiced staying upright in that kind of wind. My mantra for the day was “Don’t wish it away.” This was simple while I was dolphin watching and flying down the hill from Hawi, but I had to really focus on this thought during the last 45 miles of the bike. I talked to some faster bikers later and found out that they didn’t have to deal with this so conditions must have worsened as the day went on, but the headwinds were terrible heading back to Kona. I mean working really hard going downhill and reaching max speeds of 14 mph (DOWNHILL) bad. I went from thinking that I would have a PR on the bike to wondering if I would actually make the bike cutoff. I was hot, tired, and dehydrated. Surprisingly, though, it was during this section of the course where I passed the most people. At least I wasn’t alone out there. I guess my experience really helped me to gut it through and push when I least felt like it. As much as I hated feeling sick this summer on the bike, those experiences taught me ways to get through the difficult moments that came fast and furious during this bike. Without those hard times I never would have known what to do on a day where I spent most of the time with awful stomach cramps.

So, I made the bike cut off and headed out onto the run. My stomach was still bothering me, so the run was done on ice chips, coke, and eventually chicken broth. The best thing I can say about the run is that I stayed consistent throughout all of it. My pace was the same, if not a tiny bit faster, at mile 23 as it was at mile 3. I ran some, walked most, and tried to focus on not passing out or throwing up. It was hard. Really hard. I tried to find the little things, like the beautiful flowers at the side of the road or the amazing site of double amputee Scott Rigsby to remind me to focus on “Don’t wish it away.” About mile 17 right before the turn around in the Energy Lab I tripped and fell off the side of the road right into the lava. That was one of the few times that I was actually running near anyone and he wanted me to get medical help. I was fine, bruised and bleeding, but fine. And really mad. I didn’t want anyone telling me that my race was over. So to prove it to myself and anyone watching, my fastest and longest run of the day was the ½ mile after I fell. I even finally caught and passed the German couple that I had trying to catch up to for the past 10 miles. On a positive note my IT Band that has been plaguing me for 2 years didn’t hurt until mile 23, and my right foot never hurt at all. The next day the only thing that really hurt was the sunburn I got (it eventually blistered and ranks up there with giving birth in the pain factor). Note to self: put sunscreen on yourself, even if they tell you not to!

It was simply amazing running down Alii drive to the finish. I was so happy to have made it through such a difficult day. I got my medal, t-shirt, picture, and a massage. Then I threw up. A nice capstone on a difficult day.

As I was racing, I thought many times about my son and his battle with cancer. Thoughts of his treatment kept me going when I really wanted to quit. And I was reminded on a regular basis of those kids that didn't make it: Noah, Katyln, and Gabby. My life is richer for knowing you, even for such a short time. You taught me that I have so much to be thankful for.

Do Over or Finish What you Started?

2008-04-23T09:04:00.003-05:00

I've debated whether to start over or to just continue what I have started. In the end, I realized that what came before is just as important as what is ahead, so I'm going to continue my blog from where it left off. Many holes exist in this blog, and perhaps overtime I will go back and examine some of the topics I've brought up but never fully explored.

Life has been changing for me faster than I ever dreamed possible. I feel (and I hope act) like a very different person than I felt (and acted) just a few months ago. These changes are the result of many years of prayer, some incredible relationships that God has given me, and some plain old hard work on my part. I'm finally growing up and I must say that while some days I think being an adult sucks, for the most part I really like living in the land of adults!

Today is the first day of a faith experiment that my friend Marcia and I will be doing. It is based off a book / concept called Surprise Me. At the start of each day, we will ask God to Surprise us. At the end of each day, we will look for where he has done just that. I am approaching this with a great deal of excitement and a little bit of fear. I've actually seen God's hand more at work in my life over the past three weeks than perhaps every before. I long to be able to continue to see him in the gifts of thunderstorms, long and windy bike rides, conversations with with friends, divine calls to prayer, random e-mails from old and half forgotten friends, and strange longings to buy a book that I thought I had no purpose for (wait till you hear this story!)

I'm back to writing regularly (thanks to Jean), and I believe that I now have the courage to also write publically. So . . . I'm finishing what I started, changing some things, and writing about the absolutely amazing things that God is doing in the world around me.

Workouts for the Week

2007-07-18T09:40:00.000-05:00

7/16/2007

Bike 1:15
EZ RIDE SAMLL RING ONLY- TRAINER IF POSSIBLE -- done, but I rode on the cty rd one instead. It's flat and I stayed in my small chain ring.

7/17/2007

Swim 0:35 -- supposed to be an hour, but I didn't have enough time. I didn't get all of this done.
200fr, 100nf, 100fr 4x75 (25 k, 50 dr) w/5 sec rest 2x50 build @ 1:05 Tarzan stroke 1st 12 strokes 4x100 @ 1:50 1= 1st 12 strokes fast 2= 1st 15 strokes fast 3= 1st 22 strokes fast and last 6 fast 4= 1st 15 strokes fast and last 8 fast 1x400 @ 7:25 sighting 1x/50 6x50 @ 1:00 focus on aggressive start (1st 4-6 strokes fast) 1x300 @ 5:30 sighting 1x/50 50 ez 2x75 k @ 1:30 1x300 p @ 5:40 100 ez 2800 I only did the stuff in red, for a total of 1200 yards. I was really tired and not into this workout much. I just couldn't seem to find a groove.

Run 0:30
AEROBIC -- did this one early in the morning. It was cool out, but really humid. That humidy really saps my energy. I really need to find a way to get out more in the heat.

7/18/2007

Bike 1:30
AEROBIC -- done! Rode with Marcia at 6am. It feels great to have this workout done already before work. I did notice after riding for about an hour that my rear tire was very low on air. That explains why I felt like I was working so hard this morning and having a difficult time keeping up with Marcia!

7/19/2007

Swim 1:00
200 Fr, 100 K, 200 Ch 6x50 Dr @ 1:25 6x100 Ch @ 2:20 4x200 Fr @ (3:30, 3:25, 3:15, 3:10) 1x50 EZ 2x75 P @ 1:40 (work on turnover) 2x100 K @ 2:35 1x50 EZ 2750

Run 0:40
AEROBIC

7/20/2007

Swim 1:00
OPEN WATER

Bike 0:35
35-40 MINS AEROBIC WITH LAST 5 MINS HARD- BIG RING 15 GOING TO LT HR

7/21/2007

Bike 2:45
2:45-3 HRS AEROBIC JUST SPIN AROUND AND HAVE FUN

Run 0:20
EZ TRANSITION RUN

7/22/2007

Swim 0:30
OPEN WATER BEFORE OR AFTER RUN YOUR CHOICE

Run 1:15
EZ AEROBIC- RUN WALK IF NEED BE 10 RUN- 45 SEC WALK

Heart of the Lakes Tri

2007-07-18T08:41:00.000-05:00

Swim 21:08 (880 yard swim)
T1 2:34
Bike 1:11:49 (21.3 mile bike)
T2 2:53 (stopped to go to the bathroom, too!)
Run 51:02 (5.3 mile run)
Total: 2:29:25

I finally completed my first tri of the year. I missed the other two I signed up for because of family things, so it was nice to finally compete again -- although I was unusually nervous for this one. I couldn't seem to remember how to lay out my transition area.

So, I'm fairly happy with my time. I wanted to go under 2:30, which I did, by 35 seconds. I was very disappointed with my swim time, which was over 2 minutes slower than last year. I would think that with all the swimming that I've done this summer, my time would have either stayed the same (I didn't wear a wetsuit this year) or only gone up a little. I got jostled around alot and couldn't seem to break free from the group. I got kicked so hard in the wrist that I almost threw up, so I'm sure that took something out of me. Good IM practice, I guess!

The bike was fine -- a little faster than last year on a hillier course. I felt really good coming off the bike and was able to run all of the run at a good (for me) pace. I was really surprised how good my legs felt on the run. I'm not a great runner and have been plagued with injuries for the past 3 years, so it was great to have such an awesome run during a race.

Pictures coming soon, I hope!

2007-07-12T08:21:00.001-05:00

I love my kids! Today we stopped by SA to take advantage of the 79 cent mega drinks and a man stopped me to ask, "Are those ALL your kids?" I turned to him and smiled, saying "Yes, I'm so blessed to be their mom." He gave me a bit of a shocked look and then recovered, saying, "Yes, I guess you are."

Sometimes they can be annoying. Sometimes they get in the way of training. Sometimes they make huge messes that they don't clean up. Sometimes they make me so mad I want to (ok, I confess, I do) scream!

But, in the end, I feel so blessed to be their mom. Yesterday afternoon I was able to read to them for two hours. We are getting close (finally) to finishing HP and the Order of the Phoneix. We laughed and laughed and laughed at Dumbledore's manner of getting away from Fudge and Umbridge and I think someone came dangerously close to wetting their pants during Fred and George's antics with the fireworks. It was a fun afternoon, and I got some well needed rest and time with my children.

They are growing up so fast, and I'm so happy that I am able to be a part of their lives.

I love you Jonathan, Andrew, Caleb, and Rachel!

2007-07-09T09:15:00.000-05:00

Here's my schedule for the week. I will probably not take today (Monday) off as I really feel the need to do an easy spin. Also, I may do a long ez bike after HOTL on Sunday.

7/9/2007

Day Off -- I was going to do an ez spin after the kids' soccer games tonight, but I totally crashed. I could barely make dinner and clean up before I collapsed in bed. Man am I ever tired.

30 minute ez swim

7/10/2007

Swim 1:00
300 ch 4x50 k/dr @ 1:20 1x800 fr @ 16:00 (2:00) 4x50 nf/fr @ 1:15 1x400 fr @ 7:40 (1:55) 4x50 ch @ 1:10 100 ez 2200 -- done. I felt reasonably good while I was doing this, but was definately getting hungry and tired by the end. When I got home I took a brief cat nap and ate a huge bowl of brown rice and chicken before going to work.

Run 0:30 -- done! I can tell that I am still tired, but I was able to run and nothing hurts!
AEROBIC

7/11/2007

Swim 15 minutes -- I just jumped in the pool and practiced breathing on the right side for about 15 minutes of Rachel's swim lesson. I was too tired to do more than that this morning.

Bike 1:00 -- this was a great ride. I laid down and read to the kids for 2 hours this afternoon, which was the best thing I could have done for all of us. I finally felt rested when I got up! I almost didn't think I was going to get it done, but Brit came and watched the kids during Rachel's soccer game so I could get a ride in. It was wonderful. Headwind on the way out and tailwind on the way back. Just how I like it. I felt really strong!

Strength 15 minutes -- Did my PT exercises, which are quickly becoming a decent strength workout, so I'm counting it. I really hope I can be consistent with these, as I think they will make a positive difference in my ability to run and bike without getting hurt.

7/12/2007

Swim 0:45
400 fr, 100ch 4x75 (dr 50, s 25) @ 1:35 500 fr @ 8:15 400 fr @ 6:00 50 kick 300 fr @ 4:55 200 fr @ 3:20 100 fr @1:35 1x50 EZ 4x50 k @ 1:15 2x50 dps @ 1:10 50ez 2700 -- I didn't get all of this done, but my time was really short today. I also didn't come any where to close to making those times. In my dreams!!! But I felt good and strong, which at the moment is good enough for me.

Run 0:30
25-30 MINS AEROBIC RIGHT AFTER SWIM -- done -- although I did it before my swim instead. Really nice cool morning, perfect for a run. It's mornings like these when I remember why I run.

7/13/2007

Swim 0:60 OPEN WATER WITH GROUP -- done -- swam about 3000 yards.

Brick 1:00 tech
15 MINS BIKE WITH LAST 2 MINS AT RACE PACE 5 MINS JOG WITH 1ST (2MINS) AT RACE PACE REPEAT THREE TIMES EZ 10 MINS EZ JOG AFTER LAST EFFORT DO ON TRAINERI WILL HAVE YOU DO THIS BRICK BEFORE EVERY RACE- GOOD TUNE UP -- didn't do this --was too tired!

7/14/2007

Day Off

7/15/2007

Race
HOLT -- GREAT RACE! See race report for details.

Did an ez ride in the evening -- 90 minutes, very ez spinning on flat country roads. Got my first flat of the season, too! At least it wasn't during the race.

Formulas Just don't Work

2007-07-05T14:17:00.000-05:00

So, I'm doing lots of tutoring this summer in Math. I have been very surprised at how quickly my alegebra knowledge came back. I love working with the neat little formulas and seeing how neat and orderly math can be. Unfortunately, life just isn't like that for me. It isn't neat and tidy at the end of the day. Many days I feel like a hopeless mess!

I'm reading a new book -- Searching for God Knows What, by Donald Miller where he talks about this very thing (at least in the first chapter -- I still can't really figure out where he is going, maybe that's the point?) He writes, "My friend who owns the coffe shop told us, in a tone of kindness and trugh, that nobody he knows who is successful gambles; rather, they work hard, they accept the facts of reality, they enjoy life as it is. 'But the facts of reality stink,' I told him. 'Reality is like a fine wine,' he said to me. 'It will not appeal to children.' And I am grateful my friend stung me in that way, because this truth helped me understand and appreciate life itself, as it is, without the false hope formulas offer" (11).

I really like this quote. As I grow up (finally!) I'm finding that more and more I need to accept myself and my truth for what it is -- instead of trying to make myself fit someone else's mold for my life. My truth and my reality are important and I need to find a way to live with it -- not try to change myself to fit. I'm not sure where this book will lead me, but I think that the journey will be good for me.

Training for and completing IMs the past two summers has really taught me that I can do far more than I give myself credit for. Reaching for a goal that seems out of sight -- and then reaching that goal has been a powerful force in my life. IM has made me physically fitter than I've ever been (resting HR at doctor yesterday was 56!), but it has also had a power affect on other areas of my life, including personal, emotional, and spiritual.

My Weekly Schedule

2007-07-03T15:56:00.000-05:00

I'm going to try to post my schedule each week (and how I do with it) to help keep me honest!
Planned is in Green. Actual is in Red.

7/2/2007 Monday

Day Off

Actual was 60 Minute Bike -- this week is going to be all screwy because of the 4th of July and my attempts to make up a long bike I missed this past weekend.

7/3/2007 Tuesday

Swim 1:00
200 s, 100 k, 100 p 2x 100 kick @ 2:50 50 swim @ 1:05 (Last 25 of kick and swim are sprint) 5x300 @ 6:00 #1= 25 sprint/75 smooth #2= 50 sprint/50smooth #3= 100 sprint/100 smooth #4= 50 smooth/50 swim w/over kicking #5= 25 smooth/75 swim w/over kicking 2x100 as: #1= pull rb every 5-7 strokes @2:05 #2= kick @ 2:50 100 ez 2500

Actual Swim was 35 minutes straight with some drills. Forgot my workout book at home and didn't want to think up anything clever to swim.

Bike 1:00
AEROBIC SPIN DO 5 MINS STANDING ON THE FLATS -- did this on Monday

Actual was a 40 minute run, did the bike yesterday.

7/4/2007 Wednesday

Run 0:40
AEROBIC WITH 4X4 MINS AT LT PACE WITH 2 MINS EZ BTW -- already did this on Tuesday.

Brick 3:00

Today was a make up from a long brick that I didn't do last weekend

30 minute swim, 2 hour ride, 30 minute run. Done and over with. The swim felt great -- it pays off to swim almost everyday. Now if only I could have time to do that with my biking and running I'd be in great shape. The bike was fine, although I got tired of it after only about 90 minutes. The last 45 were all on a trail, so that might explain something. While I don't enjoy climbing hills, at least it offers a change of position. The run was awful -- I had no energy for this at all and could never get rid of the "my legs feel like concrete" feeling. Then I was tired the rest of the day. Oh, well. We all have off days. Except for the swim, this felt like an "off" day.

7/5/2007 Thursday

Bike 1:15
AEROBIC WITH 6X2 MINS AT LT EFFORT WITH 2 MIN EZ BTW -- planning to do this tomorrow. Thursdays are too busy.

Swim 0:45 as 200 warm / 100 kick / 100 IM / 100 pull / 8x25 (odds nf, evens free) / 200 -- 25 drill, 25 swim / 500 at 10:25) / 150 cool -- total 1550 yards -- this was suprising a fun workout. Can I hear myself saying that I like to swim????

Run 0:30
AEROBIC BEFORE BIKE -- one of the few this week that I actually did as scheduled! Felt pretty tired -- couldn't find a groove at all. No knee pain, just couldn't get into the run today.

7/6/2007 Friday

Swim 0:45
OPEN WATER WITH GROUP- DO STARTS 3-4 TIMES- ENTER AND GO HARD FOR 200 YARDS THEN SWIM BACK EZ REPEAT

7/7/2007 Saturday

Run 1:20 80-90 MINS AEROBIC -- ugh. This was really hard. Really really really hard. I walked way too much. It was so hot and humid and I was so very tired. I need to work on staying positive when I feel so awful.

Bike 3:00
AEROBIC WITH 4X10 MINS AT HALF IM PACE WITH 5 MINS EZ BTW -- doing on Sunday

Run 0:15
TRANSITION RUN HARD EFFORT- 5 K RACE PACE FOR LAST 10 MINS

7/8/2007 Sunday

Run 1:20
80-90 MINS AEROBIC -- did yesterday

Bike 3:00 AEROBIC WITH 4X10 MINS AT HALF IM PACE WITH 5 MINS EZ BTW -- done and this felt really good -- even with the head wind for 20 miles. Did the Apple Du course and the River Road.

Run 0:15 TRANSITION RUN HARD EFFORT- 5 K RACE PACE FOR LAST 10 MINS -- felt great on this.

TRY AND GET AN EZ 30 MIN OPEN WATER SWIM IN SOMETIME DURING WEEKEND -- didn't get to this.

Bike 0:45
AEROBIC TRAINER RIDE SMALL RING ONLY -- will do on Monday

Way too long

2007-07-03T15:42:00.000-05:00

It has been way too long since I've last been here. Once school was out for the kids, my life swung into high gear and I've been running full steam ahead for the past six weeks!

After the Apple Du, my ITBS started acting up big time. After a number of visits to the chiropractor and the PT, I think we finally have it under control. I was able to run 90 minutes (run 8, walk 2)this past weekend with NO pain and to top it off I got home seven minutes faster than I did last year when I ran the whole loop!

I really love the IM lifestyle. Although I was planning not to race one this year, when Hawaii became a possibility I said yes with no hesitation. Now that I'm back in serious training mode I've realized how much I love training for long distance races, and I can't imagine a summer without long runs, long rides, and long open water swims. I probably should start thinking about what IM I'm going to do next summer since they fill up so fast! Two of my friends are planning to do IM Florida in 2008, so maybe I should join them -- or else go back to Madison since that is such a close race for me.

Two weekends ago I did the Chippewa Trail race with Marcia. 14 miles of canoeing, 30 miles of mountain biking, and 6 miles of trail running. Man, was that race ever hard! I was so done canoeing about 2 hours before we actually finished. I went flying over my handlebars on the bike (ouch!), and finished so late that the aid stations were closed on the run. Fortunately someone had abandoned a water bottle by the side of the road and I was so dehydrated that I didn't care what was in it. That water bottle saved my race. I marked my second last place finish -- and I'm proud of it. Considering the fact that I had been mountain biking exactly 3 times, and canoeing 2, and hadn't run at all since the Apple Du, I was awfully lucky to finish at all.

I'll try to get back to regular posting. It's going to take more discipline that training, though, I'm afraid!

Cold Water

2007-05-25T17:41:00.000-05:00

It's not nearly so easy to be faithful to writing in this blog now that I'm not on the computer every day. I'm really enjoying my time off -- maybe a bit too much. All those projects that I've sworn I would do once I was done with school are just simply not getting done. Instead I'm volunteering at the kids' school, going to soccer practice, reading books, hanging out with friends, cooking and training. I still don't seem to have a huge interest in getting the housework done!

This week, for the first time ever, I swam five times! I am really concerned about that ocean swim in Hawaii, so I'm going to spend a lot of time in the pool/lake between now and then. I can already tell that I'm swimming better now that I'm swimming on a regular basis. I can't promise five times a week for the next 16 weeks, but I do think I can get wet more often than I had in the past.

Today I had a wonderful day with Marcia and Amy. We went down to Gear West to get Marcia a wetsuit -- of course I had to pick up a few thing too :-) On the way home we stopped at Warner Lake and did our first open water swim of the season. Brrr. The first five minutes were "take your breath away" cold. After awhile I found my grove and actually enjoyed it. It is still strange to hear the words "I", "enjoy" and "open water swims" coming out of my mouth.

Tomorrow is my first race of the season -- the Apple Du. I'm not very excited about it. It's supposed to be cold, wet, and windy -- sounds like IM Wisconsin 06 to me. I'm not a big fan of duathalons anyway and being cold during one just doesn't really appeal to me. Oh, well -- it will be a way to get a good training day in and ensure that I actually do train tomorrow.

Ordinary Days

2007-05-16T09:57:00.000-05:00

School is done (for me), and I am quickly adjusting to the calm after the storm. It has been so very nice to have a little extra time to just do what I want. I've been running at such a high speed for so long -- I can't believe how good it feels to wake up in the morning and to know that I don't HAVE to be anywhere. Of course this will get old after a while, but it feels great right now.

Training is going great. Yesterday I broke a huge barrier for me in the swim as I swam a 500 yard TT in 9:55. My previous best at this distance was 10:25. So, despite the fact that I don't feel faster, I guess I am getting there little by little. I still think about that ocean swim at least once a day, but I think that I will be able to get in the training that I need to feel confident about it by the time October 13 rolls around.

I had the wonderful opportunty to see an old friend yesterday, Jenny. She is one of those people who make you want to be a better person just by being in their presence. She has such a gentle spirit and leads in such an amazing way. I've really missed her the past four years. She and her husband took in the twins after Jonathan was diagnosed with leukemia. I think she took care of them for almost four months. She is also the one who encouraged me to pursue a friendship with Marcia when I was feeling so lonely after moving back to St. Cloud. Her awareness of the fact that Marcia and I were perfect for each is an incredible example of the person that she is. I miss Jenny alot -- but she didn't leave me alone when she moved. She walked with me through some very difficult days and by the time she left I had an amazing support network of friends. She is one of my heros.

Jonathan had one of his regular follow-up visits last Friday -- still cancer free and in excellent health. He had an echo on his heart, which looked great. I finally got up the nerve to ask when they will use the "c-word" (cure) with him. The doctor told me that they don't consider kids cured until they are five years off treatment -- so we have three more to go. But she also gave me a great deal of hope by saying that with the treatments these days, kids who don't relapse on therapy have an excellent chance of never relapsing. I felt really light and free after leaving Children's last Friday. He doesn't have to go back for another SIX MONTHS!

Mother's day was great. We spent the day at my parent's house and the kids were wonderful. I'm so blessed to be their mom. They've put up with a lot from me while I've gone back to school. I'm really proud of how mature they are becoming. All parents say this, but I have to say that my kids are amazing.

I went running with the boys last night. Andrew rode his bike and Caleb and Jonathan ran "with" me. Well, actually they ran in front of me. I thought that this would be a good night to take them as I'm in a rest week and I was supposed to run really slow. I learned last night that I need to take them on speed workouts instead. They would run way ahead of me and turn around and wait. Then I overheard Caleb say to Andrew, "Look! I can even run faster than mom when I"m running backwards." HaHa Caleb! Anyway, it was really fun to share my love for running with them. Caleb told me that he wants to do this three times a week. Again -- I am so incredibly blessed.

That's all for now.

Ok, so now hills are my friend, too?

2007-05-09T17:07:00.000-05:00

I think I know where this is leading. One of these days I'm going to write about challenges and how they make us stronger, or something like that. But for today I'll stick with the simple truth that I am finding enjoyment with running hills. It's kind of like the wind that I talked about a few days ago. It simply amazes me how different my approach to training is this time around. I'm embracing the difficult workouts like never before. Today during Master's swim I thought that I was not going to make it -- and to my great surprise, not only did I make it through a set, but I was able to keep going. I, in fact, DID NOT DIE.

I'm enjoying training more than I ever have before. I don't know if it is the fact that I'm going to Kona or if my thyroid levels really have been low for the past two years (I just started thyroid replacement meds) or if the month that I took off during April really helped or if I finally have some athletic base to build on. I only know that I haven't felt this good for this long in a very long time.

Today's workouts -- a 53 minute bike ride with 10x10 sec sprints and a few big hills thrown in for good measure. This was followed immediately by a 2200 yard Master's swim workout.

And now I'm off to give a final. I'll be grading like a fool for the next 24 hours to get grades in on time.

91 Steps of a typical IM Trip

2007-05-08T12:02:00.000-05:00

I found this on the net. It was orginally 99, but when I renumbered it, I only came up with 91 and I'm not doing it again. There are limits to what I will do!

No, I don't know who wrote it, but I could have. I did many of these things, but I'm not telling which ones. Anyway, it really made me laugh. Sometimes I know that I am crazy.

1. Arrive in town.
2. Find over-priced accommodations you are staying a minimum of four nights at
3. Unpack bicycle, spread gear around room randomly.
4. Attempt to reassemble bicycle, realize you forgot to mark your seat and handlebar position before disassembly. Guess position and tell yourself it won’t make a big difference.
5. Drive bike course at slow speeds while making wrong turns. Annoy locals.
6. Find swim venue. Put wetsuit on, stand around for 15 minutes. Swim 10 minutes, take wetsuit off. Look around to see if you impressed anyone.
7. Walk around expo looking for free stuff.
8. Go to registration tent, stand in line, get bag, check bag for goodies.
9. Go back to hotel, arrange energy products into different piles. Stare at piles.
10. Spend 2 hours preparing for bike ride with race wheels and drink systems. Go for 30 minute ride. Go back to hotel.
11. Decide that this would be a great opportunity to learn how to rebuild your rear hub to fix the play in it. Disassemble hub.
12. Drive to house where your club mate, the bicycle mechanic, is staying. Show him the pieces of your rear wheel. Beg for help.
13. Go to swim start Friday morning. Look for tell-tale wrist-bands on other competitors; look condescendingly at all those swimming who aren’t participating in the race.
14. Go back to hotel, spend 4 hours attaching numbers to your bicycle, helmet, and race outfit. Panic that you don’t have 8 pieces of reflective tape for your run outfit, even though IMNA has never been known to enforce the rule.
15. Drive down to expo at the last minute, stand in line, pay $10 for a strip of reflective tape.
16. Drive back to hotel, place energy products into various bags.
17. Pack transition bags.
18. Unpack transition bags.
19. Repack transition bags.
20. Drive to Carbo-dinner. Stand in line, proceed through buffet with poor food selection, sit at crowded table, remember you paid an extra $20 each so your family could enjoy this food. 21. 21. Listen to IMNA personnel tell same jokes as last year. Realize that Dave Scott has apparently discovered the fountain of youth. Stand in line to leave.
22. Prep bike to drop off on Saturday, discover your tire has a slow leak. Drive to expo, stand in line, pay $80 for tubular tire. Get back to hotel, realize you don’t know how to glue on a tubular, drive back to expo and have them do it for you.
23. Drop bike off, spend time covering bike with various plastic bags because everyone else is doing it.
24. Drop off your transition bags, realize you forgot your salt tablets, drive back to hotel to get them.
25. Drive back to hotel again, arrange race gear for tomorrow morning.
26. Pack special needs bags.
27. Unpack special needs bags.
28. Repack special needs bags.
29. Realize there is nothing more you can do to get ready. Sit down and relax.
30.Panic.
31. Eat early dinner
32. Go to bed, lie there in a cold sweat.
33. Wake up at 2:00 am for 1000 calorie bottle of nasty-tasting concoction, “because Gordo does it”.
34. Lie awake listening to horrible weather move into town.
35. Wake up at 4:00 am, listen to spouse complain.
36. Get in car, drive to start. Stand in line to enter the transition area.
37. Check transition bags.
38. Stand in line to get body marked.
39. Check bike, stand in line to get tires pumped up.
40. Stand in line for porta-john.
41. Realize you left your water bottles with special nutrition needs in the fridge at the hotel. 42. Drive back madly to get them.
42. Get back to start, wait in line for parking spot.
43. Stand in line for porta-john.
44. Get wetsuit on, stand in line to enter swim area.
45. Realize it’s too late for a warm up. Stand in line to enter water.
46. Stand in water with 2000 other people while sun comes up and national anthem is sung by local high school girl. Realize that few moments of your life have been this beautiful.
47. Gun goes off, 2000 people attempt to swim on top of you, realize that you are in mortal danger or drowning and few moments of your life have been this dangerous.
48. Get kicked in face, goggles come off, panic and tread water trying to get them back on while people hit you. Remember you paid good money to do this.
49. Exit swim, stand in line to get into transition.
50. Stand in line to get out of change tent. Get bike, stand in line to get out of transition.
51. Start bike, realize that there is no way 1000 people can pack onto a course within 20 minutes without massive drafting problems. Hope that poor bike handlers don’t crash in front of you.
52. Ride bike.
53. Panic that you’ve already fallen off your nutrition plan that your coach gave you.
54. Make up for lost calories and fluids in the next 15 minutes. Feel ill.
55. Ride bike.
56. Get saddle-sore.
57. Ride bike
58. Decide to piss while riding to save time.
59. Spend the next 30 minutes soft-pedaling, coasting, and practicing mental imagery trying to relax enough to let it go.
60. Give up, get off at aid station and spend 30 seconds in porta-john, get back on bike.
61. Ride bike, feel queasy and bloated, take 3 salt tablets at once to make sure you’re not low on electrolytes. Throw up.
52. Get off bike, sit in change tent wondering why you are doing this. Listen in disbelief to volunteer telling you you’re almost done. Proceed to marathon course.
53. Realize that you should have practiced the 1000 calorie drink at 2:00 am before race day.
54. Throw up, walk, jog, repeat for 26 miles.
55. Start gagging at the thought of another energy gel.
56. Sample the variety of food at aid stations. Discover Oreos, the food of the Gods.
57. Invent the form of locomotion called the ‘ironman shuffle’. Feel proud that your 12 minute mile is technically not walking.
58. Pass your spouse. Make them swear to never let you do another one of these.
59. See finishing chute. Sprint madly down the road high-fiving people and cheering while announcer screams your name. Realize it was all worth it.
60. Get to finishing chute, wait in line while a man takes his extended family over it with him.
61. Cross line, collapse into arms of patient voluneteers.
62. Spend next two hours in med tent realizing that you should have drunk more fluids when it got hot.
63. Go to massage tent, eat cold pizza and wander around in a daze while wearing an aluminum foil blanket.
64. Stick around finish line until midnight to share in “the ironman spirit”. Beat off 12-year-old to grab free socks thrown into crowd.
65. Look in disbelief at fresh and bouncy professional athletes dancing at the finish line.
66. Cheer last few athletes into the finish before midnight. Ask your spouse if you looked that bad. Be amazed that they spent 17 hours out there moving the whole time.
67. Go back to hotel, collapse in bed.
68. Wake up, go to bathroom, collapse back into bed. Repeat all night until the 6 IV’s the med tent gave you are through your system.
69. Wake up at 4:00 because your legs hurt so much.
70. Eat first breakfast.
71. Sit around until spouse wakes up, eat second breakfast.
72. Shuffle around town Monday morning wearing finishers T-shirt and medal. Smile knowingly at other fellow shufflers. Graciously accept congratulations from locals thankful you came to their town to spend money.
73. Eat third breakfast at all you can eat buffet.
74. Go to Official Finishers merchandise tent. Stand in line. Pick out $200 worth of clothing with prominent logos on it. Stand in line, pay $600 for clothes. Contemplate getting a tattoo to immortalize your achievement.
75. Fall prey to peer-pressure and marketing techniques. Cough up $450 to sign up for the race next year - since it will sell out today, and this is your only chance to sign up!
76. Proceed to IM Hawaii role-down. Hold out hope that, even though you finished 80th in your age-group, this will be the year everyone leaves early and you get the last spot.
77. Eat first lunch.
78. Go back to hotel, stare at the disgusting, sticky, smelly mess that is your bicycle and race clothes. Start packing things up to fly home
79. Eat second lunch.
80. Go to awards dinner, stand in line. Get poor food from buffet, remember you spent $20 a head so your family could enjoy this magical moment with you.
81. Watch hastily-produced race video. Closely examine each frame hoping they caught a glimpse of you on the course. Be disappointed.
82. Watch age-group athletes get their awards. Wonder how many of them actually work for a living, and where you can get some of the performance enhancing drugs they appear to be on.
83. Realize that you have to go all the way up to women’s 70+ age group before you find an age-group your time would have won.
84. Listen to long, excruciatingly boring thank-you speeches from various professional athletes.
85. Stand in line to get out of awards dinner.
86. Go to Airport, stand in line. Deliver $5000 bike to Neanderthal-like baggage handler. Pray. 87. Reluctantly take finishers medal off to pass through metal detector. Proudly tell TSA personnel what you did on your weekend.
88. Get home, contemplate unpacking disgusting bicycle, decide to leave it until tomorrow.
89. Eat Bon-Bons and watch TV. Contemplate unpacking your bicycle and training again, decide to leave it until tomorrow.
90. Repeat above step for 2-10 weeks. Step on scale. Look at your fat, disgusting self in a mirror and remember you signed up for next year’s race. Unpack bike, chip mold off of seat tube. Show up at swim practice again.
91. Get ready to do it all again next year…

It couldn't have been any other way . . .

2007-05-08T11:32:00.000-05:00

I don't really like the post I wrote yesterday. I was going to go back and delete it, but decided that I would keep it as a reminder of the messy business that writing is. I keep telling my students that they must write and rewrite and rewrite -- and that they should not wad it all up and start over. So, I will keep my lucky post and revisit it another day when my thoughts are a little clearer on the subject (if that ever happens!)

I started reading a new book last night, The Country Under My Skin, by Gioconda Belli. I picked it off the shelf at the bookstore last weekend because the title intrigued me. I feel many days that Kazakhstan has gotten under my skin and has a profound impact on who I am today. Anyway, if it weren't for the title, I probably would not have picked it up as I've never really read anything about Central America. Well, I've been sucked in. She is an incredible author with a very lyrical writing style. I am already jotting down quotes that resonate with my life. Here's the quote for today,

"But we come into the world with a ball of yarn to weave the fabric of our lives. One cannot know exactly what the tapestry will look like, but at a certain moment one can look back and say: Of Course! It couldn't have been any other way! That shiny thread, that stitching couldn't have led anywhere else!" (p. 6)

That's me. Today. I never dreamed 30 years ago when I used to come to SCTC with my father that my evenings of pretending to be a teacher would actually be realized in this very same place. It's amazing really. I'm assigning grades for my real students in the very same building where I used to do it for imaginary ones when I was a child. As I look at my background and the things that I have done over the past 20 years that I can't imagine my life any other way. I am very happy with the tapestry that has been produced thus far. And I'm super excited to see what other patterns and designs will be created with the rest of my life.

Lucky?

2007-05-07T14:30:00.000-05:00

I've heard the word lucky alot the past few weeks. I suppose it is only natural, what with me finding out about winning the lottery and finding out that I got the job I've been wanting in the same week. But after talking with a friend last week, I started thinking again about luck. Was it really "luck" that brought all the things that keep me grinning the past few weeks?

I'm not so sure anymore. An old friend used to say to me, "the harder I work, the luckier I get." I'm starting to wonder a bit about his words. I would never have been able to get the job at SCTC if I wouldn't have gone back to school three years ago to get my masters. During those three years of long nights writing and grading papers, reading long boring scholarly articles, and designing assignments for my students there were many times when I wanted to quit. It was not easy balancing school, work, and time with my family. There were days when I was positive that I couldn't do all three. But, the hard work ethic instilled in me by my father prevailed and somehow I got through.

And then there was that job interview at SCTC last summer. I went certain that I would never be offered a job, but I thought that it would be a good experience for me to interview anyway. I never dreamed when I walked into the dean's office that within two weeks I would be working my dream job. I took a chance going to the interview -- and they took a chance on me. Was it luck -- or was it the culmination of a lot of hard work and a bit of grace on the part of the dean? I still didn't know at that time that it would turn into a permanent position. But I continued to work hard to do the best job possible for my students -- and again, that hard work payed off in a job offer last Friday.

What about the Kona lottery slot? Surely that was luck. Well, certain some luck plays into that. But I did have to enter, and I spent a lot of time thinking over my answers to the questions on the lottery form. Whether that had any impact on my selection I don't know -- but I do know that I have worked incredibly hard to get this couch potato body into good enough shape to be able to train for and complete two IMs.

And what about the spiritual aspect of all of this? I'm not sure how to answer that question anymore. The easy answers that I grew up with about God don't really satisfy me anymore. I have deep questions about my faith. That doesn't mean that I don't believe anymore, it just means that I am thinking critically about the beliefs that I hold. There was a time when I would quickly point to all my good fortunate as God's blessing in my life. But then what do I do about Jonathan's leukemia and the other difficulties we have seen over the past five years? And how do I explain the suffering that my Christian brothers and sisters deal with every day? Is that evidence that God isn't blessing them? I can't make those assumptions anymore. Instead, for now I will thank God for allowing me to work hard and for guiding me to do the things that I have done -- and not try to assign blame or causation to him. At any rate, I'm certain that this next part of my life's journey will find me searching even more reconnect with the spiritual aspect of my life.

Luck? Well, I'll take the lucky label if you have to use it -- but I'd rather be remembered for the hard work I've done and not the luck that I've sported. I know that I won't be out buying lottery tickets anytime soon. I also know that I am very fortunate and am continually grateful for the life that I have been able to live so far.

The Wind is my Friend

2007-05-07T10:53:00.000-05:00

It's been a windy weekend. And I spent a lot of time on my bike. I decided this weekend to make friends with the wind, as it has been my nemesis for the past four years. I used to look at the weather reports and then plan my workouts around the wind -- avoiding the wind like the plague.

Now that I've decided to make my peace, I've thought of many great things about the wind.

1. When its in my face, it makes me stronger.
2. When it is to my back, it gives me a push and lets me feel what it feels like to go 26mph on the flats.
3. When it is a cross-breeze, it forces me to practice good bike handling skills.
4. And overall, it just makes me mentally tougher.

So, life is still good. My presentations in St. Paul went really well, and I got to reconnect with some friends at the conference. I realized, once again, how fortunate I am to have had the experience of going back to school in my 30s. I've met some awesome people and had some incredible experiences. And I've learned that I am good at some things.

Well, that's all for now. I need to read papers like crazy, as this is finals week and grades are due Friday. I finished My Sister's Keeper this weekend and will probably talk about that more later this week. I'll be back soon.

Call me Superstitious

2007-05-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

Why is it that when many good things happen people start thinking something bad will happen? That's exactly how I'm feeling these days. I had an incredibly good week last week. I finished student teaching and felt great about it. The students were really good the last week and did some amazing oral presentations. Even though I was really ready to be done, I will miss those students.

I also found out last week that I'm going to Kona. Me, going to Kona. I still can't believe that I'm really going. But the tickets are bought and the condo is reserved. I've started training and watching what I eat. But I'm still in shock about the whole thing and always seem to have this silly grin on my face.

And then on Friday I found out that I got the job that I've been wanting. It is basically a continuation of the job that I had this past year, but now it is permanent. I've gone through a pretty tense month of applying and interviewing and relieved that I can finally talk to people at work again. I'm so excited to be able to stay here!

And so things have been really good for me lately. Workouts are going well and nothing hurts when I run. And yet I am so worried about Jonathan.

Maybe its his inability to sleep at night that bothers me. Or maybe it is his irratibility. Or maybe that fever that he had this past weekend. Or maybe it was the episode of House that I watched last night which was all about a boy with leukemia. Most likely it is the book that I'm reading right now -- My Sister's Keeper. Reading that book has had me on the verge of tears for most of the past two days. Her portrayals of a family battling cancer are so realistic and the feelings the characters reveal are SO TRUE. As I'm reading this book I am reminded of how much our family has been through over the past five years. I really like something one of her characters says in the book, "The human capacity for burden is like bamboo -- far more flexible than you'd ever believe at first glance" (p. 196).

I've been able to go through far more than I ever thought possible. And as time passes, the memories of the difficult times fades. I asked the kids last night what they remembered about Jonathan's cancer treatment and they remembered very little. Mostly people who helped our family out during those times. Oh, and stuffed animals that they received. I still have most of the memories, but the sting of them is gone.

But, yet recently I'm feeling as thought I'm relieving all of his cancer memories. They flood over me as I read this book or as I watch Jonathan deal with his fears. And when too many good things happen, I wonder when it will all end.

Great Workouts Today

2007-05-01T10:55:00.000-05:00

I got home from work last night to find a 2006 Hawaii IM DVD on the counter. Apparently these get sent to lottery winners? Because I didn't order one -- I thought about it, but didn't have time to get to it yet. I'm so excited to watch it.

I've been thinking about about how IM training really becomes a lifestyle. It dictates so many of the decisions that I make. What time I wake up, what I wear during the day, what I eat, when I shower, how many showers I take, and even when I do laundry. Wow, I'm already washing workout clothes like crazy.

Today's workouts were a 35 minute ez treadmill run with 3x5 minute 6mph pace and a 2200 yard swim. Both of them went really well and I was done by 9:30. That's AM, not PM. Woohoo! It's so nice to have my mornings free again.

That's all for now. Nothing hurts, I'm feeling great, and still super excited about my Kona adventure.

Canoes are Awfully Heavy!

2007-04-30T16:37:00.000-05:00

Well, my workouts for this weekend didn't go exactly as planned. I had a long (well, at least for this time in the season long) bike and run planned, but neither of them got done. I was too obsessed with Jonathan's fever on Saturday to do any running, and on Sunday I spent most of my biking time with a canoe.

Why the canoe? Well, I sure wish I had pictures for this. I'll have to get some soon because I'm sure Marcia and I created quite a scene walking down the middle of the road with a canoe on our shoulders. We are training for an off-road tri in June -- 16 miles of canoeing, 26 miles of mountain biking, and 7 miles of trail running. This was part of my "taking a year off from IM" plan. I'm not longer taking that year off, but I'm still going to do the races that I want to do and try to make my training fit me, instead of the other way around.

So, Marcia and I loaded up the 78 pound canoe on our shoulders and walked the 3 blocks to the Mississippi River -- as we walked we talked about how we are the luckiest girls in the world. We live 2 miles apart, but both of us live 3 blocks from one of the biggest rivers in the world. The River plays a huge role in my bike and run route planning.

We got the canoe in the river and paddled up river first -- there was a strong wind and a current and since my last canoe experience was 17 years ago we were a little worried. Marcia has been canoeing alot in recent years, but she has never had to steer before. We did AWESOME! I was so proud of us. After about 75 minutes of canoeing it was time to go home, but I think both of us feel really good about our abilities to do this race. It will be really hard, but we are strong women and we can do it! Plus, it was a blast just having the time with my friend. We are both so busy that it is rare that we get to spend uninterupted time together. And it was a blast! I'm so fortunate to have a friend like her.

Friends are one of the greatest benefits of my tri training. But more about that later.

I'll Always be a Cancer Mom

2007-04-30T12:34:00.000-05:00

The fear is so bright, it is blinding. Some days it is so strong that I can taste it, like a meal I'd never want to eat again. And so it hit this weekend. We were enjoying a day in Minneapolis. Jonathan had a fishing tournament with the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society in the morning and we had an afternoon of festivities planned for the rest of the day. After enjoying a picnic in the park, we decided to visit one of our favorite Middle Eastern grocery stores. Jonathan was complaining that he was thirsty -- but hey -- who wasn't? It was 80 degrees and we'd all had a bit too much sun. I told him we'd stop for drinks after visiting the store. While we were in the store, he lost it. He started crying hysterially, saying that his legs hurt, his head hurt, his eyes hurt, and that he was certain that his cancer was back. That was all I needed to hear -- Cancer Mom was back.

We got him some water and drove to the nearest Walgreens for a thermometer. His fever was 104, so I went back into the store for some children's motrin. They day was done -- and we drove home from the cities, quietly talking between us what it would be like if his cancer had really returned. I didn't sleep much that night.

The next morning Jonathan was up before all of us -- ready to go. No fever, no signs of illness. And he's still fine today.

So what was this all about? Probably a virus, maybe a reaction to being in the sun all morning, who knows? But, I've come to the conclusion that I will never be able to react to Jonathan's illnesses with the carefree attitude that I had five years ago.

And I guess that his illness has played a huge role in the person that I am today. I believe that I care more about people, that I try to make the most of the opportunities that we are given. Life is so fragile and we never know when it will end.

Yes, I'll always be a cancer mom. But I'll also be so much more than that. This will not define me, but instead will play a vital role in shaping the person that I am becoming.

Who Am I?

2007-04-26T15:02:00.000-05:00

Well, not such an easy question to answer. People are incredibly complex and trying to sum up exactly who we are is never an easy task. I recently wrote an article for a coaching group that I train with which should give some insight on the reasons that I train. Here it is: ___________________
2-20-02. Anyone who has heard much about Lance Armstrong knows his obsession with a date. If we are honest, most of us have one or several. Those days or times in our lives that somehow, often times unbeknownst to us, actually shape our futures. These dates may be vivid, standing as towers in our minds, beckoning us to remember. Or they may be glimpses of a memory that we don’t hardly understand. For me, mine is of the previous quality and has had a distinct and lasting impression on the course of my life.

Five years ago I would have collapsed with laughter if you told me that someday soon I would love to do triathlons. At that time I didn’t own a bike, couldn’t swim, and hated running. Clearly I would win the non-athlete award among all my friends. During college I was the bookworm who preferred to read great literature and hold never-ending discussions on philosophical issues long into the night. My perfect GPA was marred only by the fact that I was required to take PE classes. Me, an athlete? NEVER!

And then my world turned upside down. On February 20, 2002 my 5-year-old son was diagnosed with leukemia. Everything I had ever thought true in my life was challenged during the following months. I read everything I could about cancer – treatment, survival rates, heartbreaking stories about children who didn’t make it, medical journals – you name it, I read it. During that time I read about some moms who were doing marathons in honor or memory of their children through a group called Team in Training (TNT). To be honest, my initial thought was that they were nuts. Didn’t they have enough to worry about with their child being sick? But over time I began to be intrigued by these stories. These women had a passion about them that I lacked. And they had turned the very ugly side of side of cancer into personal growth and change for themselves and their families.

So, very timidly, I signed up for a marathon with TNT. The very next day I laced up my shoes for my first ever run. I got halfway down the block and thought, “this really sucks” and walked home. I was on the phone with TNT within minutes ready to withdraw from the program. My coordinator suggested that rather than quitting I should try a triathlon. The running portion was shorter, she explained, and plus I could always walk it if I wanted to.

I guess she was very persuasive as somehow I ended up at a kick-off meeting for something called an Olympic distance triathlon. I still didn’t own a bike, I still hated running, and I really didn’t know how to swim. But I went to the training meetings. I learned to do enough breaststroke to some how make it 1.5 K. I bought a bike and pounded out a ton of anger on the county roads around my house. And I resigned myself to walk/run the 10K.

To my great surprise, a part of me that had been hidden since that horrible year in sixth grade when I didn’t make a basket the entire year of intramural basketball came out. I found the athlete inside of myself. I found that running could actually be pleasurable. And that swimming, when done correctly, is actually somewhat relaxing. And of course that the bike has powers that modern psychiatric medicine can only dream about for dealing with emotions.

And so I look back upon the last 5 years with a sense of awe and wonder, instead of anger and fear. We were lucky – my son is now a thriving 10-year-old who participated in his first triathlon last year.

And I have to say that I was also fortunate that in the trials of life I was able to find a sport that would give me the power to do things in all areas of my life that I never dreamed possible.

Cancer still royally sucks, but I find that this year I can actually say thank you to 2-20-2002.

Irondream Come True!

2007-04-26T14:53:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm still grinning from ear to ear four days after learning that I won a lottery slot into IM Hawaii. I never dreamed that this would happen and, needless to say, I am so very excited.

It is now time to ramp up my training. I've been recovering from a lengthy bout of what I call the plague. I was so sick this year I didn't think I would ever recover. I can finally talk now without feeling like my throat is going to close up, so I guess I am on the mend. One of the good things about this illness is that I finally got my thyroid level really checked and as suspected it is low. I've been on meds for two weeks now and I'm starting to realize what I've been missing. I'm fairly confident that I've forgotten what it feels like to NOT be tired.

Student teaching ends tomorrow, and my classes at the Technical College will finish in two weeks. I'm really ready for this semester to be over. I've enjoyed the time with my students, but I've also tried to do too much this semester and it has taken its toll on my body. I'm awfully close to burn out, so it will be nice to have some time to myself for a bit. Oh yeah -- I guess that will all go towards IM training, but at least I can classify that as "me" time.

I have a short 30 minute run planned for this evening. I'll have to squeeze it in between my classes finishing at 5:30 and a meeting at 6:30. Dinner in the car and wet hair at the meeting again. Ah, the life of an Ironman. I wouldn't have it any other way.