Glimpses at Life in the Room of Grace: I'll Always be a Cancer Mom

Monday, April 30, 2007

I'll Always be a Cancer Mom

The fear is so bright, it is blinding. Some days it is so strong that I can taste it, like a meal I'd never want to eat again. And so it hit this weekend. We were enjoying a day in Minneapolis. Jonathan had a fishing tournament with the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society in the morning and we had an afternoon of festivities planned for the rest of the day. After enjoying a picnic in the park, we decided to visit one of our favorite Middle Eastern grocery stores. Jonathan was complaining that he was thirsty -- but hey -- who wasn't? It was 80 degrees and we'd all had a bit too much sun. I told him we'd stop for drinks after visiting the store. While we were in the store, he lost it. He started crying hysterially, saying that his legs hurt, his head hurt, his eyes hurt, and that he was certain that his cancer was back. That was all I needed to hear -- Cancer Mom was back.

We got him some water and drove to the nearest Walgreens for a thermometer. His fever was 104, so I went back into the store for some children's motrin. They day was done -- and we drove home from the cities, quietly talking between us what it would be like if his cancer had really returned. I didn't sleep much that night.

The next morning Jonathan was up before all of us -- ready to go. No fever, no signs of illness. And he's still fine today.

So what was this all about? Probably a virus, maybe a reaction to being in the sun all morning, who knows? But, I've come to the conclusion that I will never be able to react to Jonathan's illnesses with the carefree attitude that I had five years ago.

And I guess that his illness has played a huge role in the person that I am today. I believe that I care more about people, that I try to make the most of the opportunities that we are given. Life is so fragile and we never know when it will end.

Yes, I'll always be a cancer mom. But I'll also be so much more than that. This will not define me, but instead will play a vital role in shaping the person that I am becoming.

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What I've been Reading 2009

The Papa Prayer, by Larry Crabb. This book is changing the way that I pray.
The Ascent of a Leader: How Ordinary Relationships Develop Extraordinary Character and Influence by Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol, and Ken McElrath -- excellent. This book provided me with a lot of hope that as a leader I can provide environments of grace for the people in my life. They present a model of leadership that our world desperately needs. My prayer is that I will mature into this type of leader. If you are in a place where you have influence over others (this includes parents and teachers), please read this book.
Undress me in the Temple of Heaven -- a perfect book for me . . . it deals with cultural issues and mental illness, and it has a provocative title. What's not to like? I spent about three days after I finished reading it walking around trying to find something else to attract my interest.
Abba's Child, by Brennan Manning -- a great book about the false selves that we create to help us feel "safe." I appreciated his words about the imposter and the damage that this imposter can cause in our lives.
Church: Why bother?, by Philip Yancey -- another book by Yancey. I loved how this book talked about the importance of dependence in the church. This will be a future blog post as well.
Children of God, by Mary Doria Russel -- the sequel to the Sparrow. I really appreciated seeing deeper into the culture of Rakhat. It was amazing to me how many assumptions I had made about characters and the culture that were so wrong! I spent several days after reading this book wishing that someone would have read it with me. I really needed to talk to someone about what I read in here. I've got lots of journal entries that I may share over the next few months.
Prayer, by Philip Yancey -- I suspect there will be quite a bit of Yancey on my list this year. His words resonate so well with my heart. He reads widely and writes honestly. Yancey has been a great friend to me in my lonely times.
The Last Battle, by C.S. Lewis -- Andrew is reading these and since I've often said that a great way to get to know your kids' friends is through reading their books, I read along with him. He went back and is reading the Magicians Nephew. I'm inspiried to do the same thing!
The Virgin of Bennington, by Kathleen Norris. My first intro into Norris' writing. I love her writing style, but I don't share her love and knowledge of poetry, so this was a little difficult to wade through. I've got Cloister Walk and Dakota on my shelf, so hopefully I will do better getting through those books.
Faith and Doubt, by John Ortberg -- The first Ortberg book I've every completed. I don't know why, but I don't share the love of Ortberg that many of my friends have. I did appreciate his honesty, along with his clever idea that the most important word in the title is the one in the middle.
The Center Will Not Hold, by Elyn Saks -- a great book by a women who lives with schizophrenia. I have always been fascinated by this mental illness. I really enjoyed reading her account.
The Sparrow, by Mary Doria Russell -- My first science fiction book, but not my last. Jan, A coworker, turned me on to this first-contact story. A group of Jesuit priests and lay people visit a distant planet with disasterous consequences. This book raises many questions about the problem of evil.
Learning Outside the Lines -- written by two Ivy League graduates who also happen to have learning disabilities. I have recommended this book to my students as a great guide to college. Sure maybe some of their ideas about reading wouldn't thrill the reading teachers at my school, but they possess a realism that is often lacking among my colleagues.
Blind Your Ponies -- Sheri recommended this book as a good story. I agree. It was nice to root for the underdog. I also found that it dealt with issues of grief and ptsd in a very thoughtful way.
Shame: The Power of Caring -- recommended by Mark. I found it very helpful in continuing to shape my understanding of the shame that often shoves me off into the ditch. The book is not well written, but there are some foundational concepts in here that I found worth wading through the rest to find.
Margin, by Richard Swensen -- I read this on about two hours. It was a reread as I seek to continually remind myself of the importance of margin to my sanity.
The Soloist, by Mark Salzman -- an interesting little novel about a child prodigey on the Cello who loses his giftedness when he becomes an adult.
The Prodigal God, by Timothy Keller -- recommended to me by Pastor Matthew. It is basically a retelling of the Prodigal Son story, with an emphasis on the Father and our relationship with him, mostly (at least for me) as the older brother. I didn't find much new in here, as Richard has been telling me this story in this way for about 8 years, but it was nice to have someone else put words to what I've been experiencing.
Reaching for the Invisible God, by Philip Yancey -- I started out this year with this book. It is staying on my self, as a reread -- as are most of my Philip Yancey books. He finds such a unique way to put words to his experiences. I appreciate his honesty and commitment to his faith in the midst of doubting and questions.