Perfect

Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen, "Anthem"


Anyone who visits my home will likely doubt the following statement. But the truth is, I am a perfectionist. It doesn't show itself in my housekeeping skills, but it comes to light in almost everything else I do. Perhaps the reason why it doesn't show at home is that I have finally resigned myself to the fact that with four young children, perfect housekeeping is completely not possible. I don't even try anymore.

But in my school work, in my teaching, in my thinking, in my actions -- I long to be perfect. I have this crazy idea that I could actually obtain perfection if I just tried hard enough. But I can't. I simply can't. And this causes me so much heartache, wasted time, and sleepless nights as I try to figure out how to minimize the disasters in my life. Maybe I can't be perfect, but if I could just appear to be perfect . . . alas, what a foolish thought.

So after a rather difficult weekend where I was much less than perfect in just about everything, I came across the poem posted above. God's surprise for me.

As I think about all of my "failures", I realize that it was through my weaknesses that God brought great blessing and honor to my life. He brought light into my life, and even though there are most certainly days and weeks when I can't or chose not to see the light, it is there.

Noah's Ark

My first car was a white Buick skylark. I learned to drive it in the cemetery near our house. One of the distinguishing features of my first car was that it had been in a small accident and the letters, "skyl" had fallen off the logo -- hence it only said "Ark." So I called my little white car, "The Ark."

I didn't know it at the time, but one day my house would resemble Noah's ark. I'm not simply referring to the twins who came two who came two-by-two.

I'm primarily referring to the abundance of animals that live in our home. Not the pets, although we've had a number of those as well. I'm talking about animals of the stuffed variety. Andrew and Caleb have this thing about their animals. They are like little friends to them. Their animals have personalities and a family structure that I still struggle to grasp. These animals are divided up into families and clans and they each have their own unique role. It is not uncommon for me to walk into a room to find a full blown game of animal soccer being played, to see animals using light sabers in a Star Wars like battle, or to come home from a run to see animals hiding all over our yard as the children go on hunting trips.

Andrew's polar bear, Fridge, is a frequent visitor to our photos. Fridge goes on most of the family outings and sometimes sneaks his way to school. He "slips" into Andrew's pocket and peaks out when he wants to see something. Fridge also loves to have his picture taken!

I love this side of my children. I enjoy watching their imaginations flow. I like getting into their world and learning about the personalities of their "friends." I encourage this side of their play as I think it makes them great writers and story tellers. I will be so sad when these friends get packed up into bins. But for now I celebrate the imaginations that God has given my children and try to enjoy every moment.

Brothers and Sisters

When Jonathan was ready to start kindergarden, my father was the superindendent of the school district where we lived. So, unlike many of my friends who have wrestled with private vs. public school vs. homeschooling, I didn't have a choice. My children were going to the public school in our neighborhood and that was that.

I can't believe that was six years ago. It seems like just yesterday that I was dropping my little bald headed son (he was on chemo then) off in a room full of strangers.

And now as I reflect back I am so thankful that God selected the school for my children to attend. He arranged some amazing things for my children at this "rough school" and I couldn't be more appreciative.

Jonathan had a difficult time making friends. He missed half of kindergarten. He was more than a little shy (no one believes this anymore). His first friend was a boy named Isaiah. As I picked up the phone to call his home and ask if Isaiah could come over to play, I couldn't have been more scared. I had no idea what I was getting into. And I had no idea of the amazing friendships that would come out of this one. You see, Isaiah has two bothers and a sister. His younger brother is the same age as Andrew and Caleb. His sister is the same age as Rachel. And this family of four is part of a much larger family. One of those other families also go to the same school as my children and they have four kids -- a son Jonathan's age, a son Andrew and Caleb's age, and two girls who are a year older and a year younger than Rachel!

The most amazing thing about these families is that they hold very similar values to ours. And the kids are the best of friends. Yesterday we took them all to the park -- three moms, twelve kids, amazing friendships. It was one of the best afternoons I've had in a long time. I'm still feeling so amazingly blessed today.

As I look over my life and all of the moves that I went through in the early years of my marriage, as I think about the deep lonliness I felt at times, I am deeply grateful that God led us back to my hometown and to this part of my hometown. And I'm really glad that my father was in the position he had been in -- because I probably would not have sent my children to a public school if he hadn't. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Aika

The kids and Aika at Christmas time. Oh, and Andrew's polar bears. It's been fun for the kids to have a big sister, I think. As I reflect back on the past few months of having a teen age daughter, I have to say that it really wasn't all that bad. Yes, at times she annoyed me. But there were other times when I felt so blessed to have her in our home. In many ways I wish that she could have visited our family at a different season of our life, but she was there during one of my bleakest periods.

In some ways, I think she was part of what pushed me over the edge and back to desiring God. Not her so much, but rather what she represented. Having her in our home forced me to go back and remember Kazakhstan in a deeper way. To remember what was so great about it, and what was so challenging. It helped me reconnect with some of my friends who are still there. It hurt to remember all of those people that I left. It really hurt to remember all of the dreams that were abandoned. But it was remembering that needed to be done so that I can move ahead into what God wants me to do today.

So, I'm glad she came into our lives and I will miss her when she is gone. She is very different from me -- and at times I couldn't stand her vanity, but she taught me so much about myself and my children. I thank God for sending Aika into our lives. I believe that when she first came, I thought that God had brought her to us so that we could help her -- but in the end, I think that I got much more out of the bargain. Not because she was so wonderful, but because she could be a challenge to live with. I don't think I got it right most of the time, but I sure learned an awful lot.

A Chance to Help

Last week I talked about getting an award from the TRIO program at the college where I teach. I talked about the joy in discovering who had nominated me. Well this morning I saw Layla in the hallway outside my office. She was speaking in Somali on the telephone and was obviously upset. When she got off the phone, she came to me and told me the story. She was trying to help a neighbor get a doctor's appointment for her 2-year-old who had put something into her ear. She was unable to convince the appointment maker at the doctor's office to give them an appointment and was so concerned that this little girl would lose her hearing. She came to me and asked me if I could call the doctors office. I did so and was able to make an appointment for the girl later this morning.

Layla turned around as she was leaving and gave me a huge hug. And as I've reflected on this tiny opportunity to do something for another person I realized that helping others is a huge part of who I am. I am at my best when I'm serving others.

And it was also a good confirmation for me that I'm where I need to be right now. My mind is always cooking with other opportunities, other things that I could or should be doing. But between Layla and another student who shared some very difficult things with me last Friday, I know I'm in the right place right now. Opportunities to make a difference in the lives of others surround me. All I have to do is open my eyes, ears, and heart -- and make myself available to help when needed.

Weekend Surprises

Friday's surprise came during a wonderful evening out with Marcia. Everytime I spend time with her I am reminded of God's grace in my life. She came into my life when I needed a friend most and she has never left. She has shown me what God's love is like -- she didn't leave when I rarely spoke to her, she didn't leave when I made decisions she questioned, she didn't leave when I raged at God. We have both taken the Strength Finders test and have one of our strengths in common -- connectedness. As we have recognized this, it is so obvious in our conversations that we both share this strength. We love to find the connections in the things that we read, hear, and the people that we know. I am able to tell Marcia things and she will say, "Wow," when others look at me like I'm nuts. She gets my incredible need to find connections everyone. Anyway, I was reminded on Friday night how unbelievably blessed I am to have her in my life!

Saturday's surprise was finally seeing the sun! It has been cold and grey up here for more days than I care to recount. After a cold windy start, the sun eventually came out and warmed our pale skin. The kids went outside and played for hours in the afternoon. It was so neat for me to watch them play together -- they use their imaginations so well and have long standing "dramas" that they have been playing for years. Each one of them plays various characters (most of them dogs) and each character has very distinct personalities that can be seen on the face and in the voice of the characters they play. I love to watch them play like this.
Sunday's surprise was the opportunity to get on my bike and ride, ride, ride. It almost didn't happen -- the day was crazy with all sorts of "emergencies" and as I told Marcia my story during the ride she wondered that I didn't call and cancel the ride. But I didn't and I was so glad. It was warm, it was sunny, and I needed that long ride in the worst way. It was another day to spend with my best friend, and another chance to thank God for the strength and time that I have to be able to ride my bike.

Be the Surprise

One of the things that I didn't write about when I talked about Surprise Me God is that I also found a book by the same author titled Be The Surprise. While I am not officially doing a "Be the Surprise" faith experiment, I realize that with my personality type I am very likely to see God in the act of serving others.

So, yesterday was May Day. You know, the day where people hang flower baskets on door knobs, ring the bell, and run away. Or maybe you don't know. It seems that this tradition has really died out. I wanted to introduce my children to this act of giving, so we purchased two bundles of tulips yesterday and set out to bless two families in our neighborhood.

The first house we stopped at was Bernice and Neil's. Bernice is our neighbor who is dying from leukemia. It was the first I had brought the children with me to visit her and I was so glad that we did. While we were there I watched my daughter's heart in action. She felt so much compassion for Bernice that she took off her favorite charm that she had hanging on her jacket and gave it to Bernice. For Rachel this was a huge gift. And it almost made me cry.

The second house we stopped at was Howard's. Howard is an older man in our neighborhood who recently lost his wife. Currently his son and daughter-in-law are living with him, but they will be returning to Japan in June -- and Howard will have to leave his home. He is very sad about this. So we spent over an hour at his home talking with Howard, his son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter. While we went to bless someone else, I strongly believe that we received a huge gift as we sat in their home and talked. This is a wonderful family and I felt so honored to be in their home. I wish that I had gotten to know them sooner. But I won't let the "I wishes" diminish the joy that I felt as we sat in their home. Instead I will use those regrets to push myself to interact with more people -- and to step out of the box of my comfort zone. I receive so much joy from serving others -- and as I do this it really takes the focus off the pain and issues of my own life.

The Prize

Okay. I admit that it wasn't the Nobel Peace Prize. It wasn't even a big prize. But it was a wonderful surprise for me, coming at a time when I needed it most.

Today I attended an awards lunch for teachers who had been nominated by students for excellence in teaching at the college where I work. I was very excited to be one of those receiving an award. What elevated this to a surprise from God is that I found who nominated me. It was a student that I've had for several classes over the past two years. She started out slowly, but has really worked hard and excelled in her work. In her letter to me she wrote that I was the one who taught her how to read in a way that she could understand. I was in tears. Her letter was so thoughtful and specific about ways that I had helped her -- things that I didn't even know were significant at the time. I will treasure this letter for a long time.

I know that I love to teach. I know that sometimes I do a good job with it. It just feels so good to be affirmed for doing something that brings me so much joy. Thank you Layla for saying thanks. I'm so proud of the progress you have made and for the willingness to thank those who have assisted you in your journey. And thank you for God having this ceremony at a time when I needed it most!

Wednesday's Surprise

Yesterday I came home from an afternoon of running around town to find a bag tied to my back door. I love surprises like this. In the bag was a note and a present -- and I had NO idea who it was from. Until I read the card. I was so surprised that Marilyn had given me a book, and even more surprised to find that it was this one. About a month ago I picked up Renovation of the Heart and eventually put it down as I had other pressing things to read. What a special surprise from God this was. And it came on a day when I most needed it. I didn't know it at the time, but I was heading for a big crash later in the evening.

I had a very difficult evening and am still dealing with the ramifications of what happened last night. But as I reflect on my day yesterday I have to remember that God was there, and that in preparation for the later events he made it clear that he was still going to surprise me in big ways. I'm struggling today, but I'm also making the choice to remember what God has done and what he is currently doing in my life today.

The Power of Five Bucks

So last fall I read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I was completely engrossed in this story and for days believed that the characters were really people. I grieved deeply for Frannie and her family as they experienced various losses. When I finished reading, I felt a sense of loss that I couldn't know more about this family.

What on earth does this have to do with a five dollar bill? As I was reading the book, I read about a savings plan that involved saving all of the five dollar bills that come into a person's possession. This reminded me so much of the tin bank that Frannie's mom had nailed to the floor, that I just had to try it. So for two months, I didn't spend any five dollar bills. I added to this pot, all of the change that I received, any surprise money that came my way (extra tutoring jobs), and any money that I was going to spend but didn't (as in turning down buying coffee and bringing my own). By Christmas I had well over $300 saved up! It made me realize how much money I spend without thinking about it. And it also enabled us to spend money that we didn't expect on Christmas gifts. I can't tell you how good it felt to go into my secret hiding place and pull out a wad of money to spend on Christmas. We've been digging out from under a pile of bad business debt and money had been tight for all of my recent memories. It was so nice just to be able to be generous at Christmas last year.

Goody Goody

When I'm depressed, I tend to do things I normally wouldn't do. I signed up for the IM Kona lottery in a post Ironman funk. I wrote a sob story letter trying to win our family a furnace this past winter when I was really depressed (we won a food basket!) And this early spring when I was just coming out of a period of deep anxiety, I applied for a sponsorship with Goody.

I was quite surprised to find that I had been chosen. You see, I'm not a great athlete. In fact for the first year that my coach called me athlete I secretly called him a liar. Me an athlete? Ha. Ha. Ha. I imagined the Goody people reading my application and falling off their chairs with laughter. But for some reason they saw something they liked and so now I am wearing the Goody colors this racing season.

The interesting thing about this is how it changed my approach to training. Once I became a sponsored athlete, I started acting like one. I started working out regularly. I started watching what I ate (most of the time!). I started taking better care of my body by adding strength and flexibility training to my workouts. There was something about knowing that I was worthy to be sponsored that made me want to live worthy of this.

As I've reflected on the changes made by the Goody sponsorship, I realized that there could be many parallels to my spiritual life. God has already declared me his child. He loves me as my Father. He has shown me grace when I didn't even want it. He had come down from heaven and offered me a life beyond my imagination. But so often I don't believe this. I don't live like a child of God. I don't reflect the things that he values and loves. The more I think about this, the more I think that I need to think more about the relationship that God desires to have with me as a means to changing my behavior. Believe me, if a person could become who they want to be by sheer determination and works alone, I'd be doing it. I've tried over and over again, not to earn my salvation, but to earn God's approval. And yet, I ALREADY HAVE IT. If I could just live in the realization of those words. That's the place that I want to dwell.

More Surprises

I was talking with Marcia last night and I realized that as I go through this faith journey, I seem to have more and more surprises happening. I don't know that my life is all that different, but I seem to be able to discern God's presence much more than I have in the past.

So, Monday -- I got an opportunity to ride my bike right after school. I didn't pay attention to the fact that it was only slightly above freezing (35 degrees) and that there was actually a windchill. Fortunately I did put on warm clothes and I was comfortable. As I was riding I started feeling really good. I mean really good. No, I mean really really really good -- as in, this is why I exercise feeling good. And I was reminded in that moment of the three Ironman races that I have done. I remember a coach once telling me, "In Ironman racing, you need to manage those highs and lows. You can't let the highs get too high or the lows too low. Otherwise you may not be able to finish." And as I reflected on those words said to me long ago, I realized that in the marathon of life this is also true. I tend to a person of extremes -- I'm either really good or really bad, with little room in the middle. As I make the journey on the road towards recovery I'm seeing that I need to learn to do what I've done with my racing life -- manage the highs and lows. Find a middle way that is comfortable to live in. Believe me, I'd much rather be up all the time. But the reality is that I don't think my body was made to do that. What was really special to me about this surprise is how God spoke to me through the language of triathlon. It's a language that I understand very well and it made sense to me. I'm learning that God loves to use those things that are important to us to teach us more about life.

Tuesday seems to always be a day full of just strange things. Last week while I was at Barnes and Noble, I felt a strong urge to purchase a book called Feel. I don't often buy books at B&N because my brother owns a bookstore so I can get what I need through him. I am also a huge fan of the libary and at any given time have 20-30 books checked out. But for some reason I knew that I needed to buy this book. Then I went to my group meeting and at the meeting one of the women started talking about how she was just starting to "feel" again and was very uncomfortable with the process of learning how to feel and learning to deal with the feelings. All at once I knew that I had bought the book for her.

So this week I went to B&N looking for a surprise. Well, not really . . . I actually went to buy the book Strength Finders (more on this later), but decided to go back to the aisle where I knew I had to buy a book so I could revisit that feeling. I must confess that I was kind of hoping to have the same experience. I was browsing through the books, sort of looking for a title that I had found at Northwestern Bookstore two weeks ago and a women asked me what was on my hand. Eariler in the day one of my Somali students put a henna design on my hand and so I explained to this stranger about the markings on my hand. Well, this seemed to open the door for conversation and she started asking me about what I was looking for. I couldn't remember the book title, the author, or much about the subject so I just kind of tried to mumble something. Really I wasn't looking for anything. I didn't want to tell her that I was waiting to hear the voice of God.

Then she asked me if I had read the book Captivated and I replied that I had heard of it, but never read it. Now the truth is that I never planned on reading this book. I tend to shy away from the popular books every one reads and instead look for things that are more on the edge (I've never read the Purpose Driven Life and have no plans to read it in the future. ) At this point I was ready to end the conversation with this woman and was pleased to see her take off. But she came back 10 seconds later with a book, Captivated in her hands. She put in my hands and said, "Here, I think you need to read this." And then she disappeared. I mean she really disappeared. I know I saw her walk off, but she walked off so fast that I was amazed. She had been so chatty that I would have expected her to tell me why I needed to read this book. And so, the bizarreness of this exchange means that I now have the book Captivated and plan to read it this week. Maybe this was nothing, but in the context of my life at the moment, I am listening carefully to the voices around me. God has not brought people into my life by accident and I believe that I can and should learn from those who speak to me. Do I dare go to B&N again next week????

Rachel and Elizabeth

I had the awesome experience of being at the birth of my neice, Elizabeth Joy. She was born during a really dark period of my life when most of my days were filled with anxiety. I spent weeks with uncontrollable shaking. Elizabeth's birth was a like a breath of fresh air breathed in my life. I remember driving away from the hospital at 2 am just knowing that life was going to be okay. I didn't know how I would get better, but I knew that it had to for this precious new person in my life. There was someone new in the world and I had been able to be there when she took her first breath.

And life has gotten better. Much better than I had ever dreamed. I'd often looked at choices I've made in my life and wished for an opportunity to "do over." And now I feel like I've been given that chance. Nothing in my circumstances has really changed. What has changed is my connectedness with God. I'm learning to see the various aspects of my life as being a part of God's continued work in my life. He has been here all along and will continue to be active in my daily life. This experience of doing "Surprise Me God" has also enabled me to see God's hand in the past seven years. I've discovered a number of things that make me feel incredibly blessed.

You Watch Over Me

One of my current favorite songs. I think the reason it speaks to me is that I'm just now seeing how God has been watching over me, even when I couldn't see it. Even when I didn't want to believe that He existed. Even when I denied that I ever loved Him. It is wonderful to know that God's love for me is not dependent on what I do. The words of this song have literally happened in my life. Listen . . . especially if you are despairing today.

A Weekend of Surprises

I seem to be in that sweet stage of life where I can see God working all around me. After such a long time in darkness, it feels great to be able to see once again. So, Surprise Me God . . . this is having the effect that I had hoped in that I find myself talking to God often during the day. The loneliness that used to be so crushing seems to be fading away as God is filling more of my life with him -- and with the people that he is bringing into my life. Top Surprises for the Weekend:

Friday -- this one started on Thursday. I got a little angry with a coworker on Thursday afternoon, and convinced I was right, went on to tell several others about the incident. Later that evening, as I was sharing with another friend, he tried to say something about maybe I was wrong, and I went ballistic. And then I heard the voice of God saying, "You could be wrong, Melissa . . . and even if you aren't, you are not acting in a loving way towards this coworker." Yeah, I guess you are right was my only reply. And I knew then that I would have to make amends to this person. In the past, I would have made huge deal of this and would have sacrificed many hours of sleep and productive work time obsessing about what I was going to say. But Friday morning, I woke up, knew what I had to do and did it. This simple act of saying, "I’m sorry", was just that -- a simple act of obedience that did not need to consume my life. But in the past it would have. A gift of grace from God to me on this day. And certainly a big surprise for me as to how good it felt to walk away from a conversation and know that God was pleased.

Saturday – I’ve never been good at making decisions when I have a multitude of choices. Abundance paralyzes me. That’s one reason I liked Kazakhstan so much. If we found cheese, we bought it. We didn’t have 50 different varieties to select from. It was just cheese. Milk was the same way. No options between different brands. Not even the choice between different fat contents. Milk was just milk, usually unpasteurized, and almost always straight from the cow that morning. We could buy two kinds of bread – flat or loaf. It was really a gift for me to live in such an environment.

For the last 14 weeks I’ve been able to set aside Tuesday evenings as night to “date myself.” I have about two hours between two separate meetings and this has been set aside as my time – to read, to pray, to cry, to sing, to browse at Barnes and Noble, or to talk with a friend. I also usually go out to eat somewhere. When I first started this “date myself” night, I thought that I would try out a whole bunch of new restaurants. But the reality is that over the past 14 weeks, I’ve gone to on place 11 times, another place twice, and one place only one time. Once again, the pressure to make a choice among the hundreds of eating establishments available to me forced me to go to the same place. I’ll probably be there again this week!

That’s the background. Saturday night we went to a concert (which was also a wonderful surprise) and at the concern they had children from World Vision that could be adopted. When I walked in, I stopped to talk to Marcia, who was working at the World Vision table. I told myself that I couldn’t even look at the pictures there because I wouldn’t be able to choose. After listening to a World Vision presentation, I felt as though I needed to adopt a child, but my mind was also running wild with excuses. I went back to a smaller table (less children to select from and Marcia was standing there) and started to look. I immediately got overwhelmed and decided other plans for my money. And then I saw her. Sheron – the child that God had selected for me. I can’t tell you how I knew – I just knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was the one.

It was so good to just know that God wanted me to adopt her. It felt so good to finally dismiss all the excuses for giving. I’m really excited about what starting this means for me and more importantly Sheron and her family. I’ll share more about her late (and a picture)!

Sunday – Another day filled with surprises. It’s hard to pick just one. Today at Church the sermon was on I John 3: 11-18 – the passage on love and seeing others in need and being active in our love towards others. This goes right along with the books that I’m reading and the things that I have been thinking about. And God gave me the opportunity to reconnect with an older man in our church who actually lives on our block. I learned that he is moving to a nursing home early next month and that his family will be heading back to Japan (they are missionaries there). He was so delighted to talk with our family, and we’ve made a commitment to continue visiting him. What was most surprising to me about this event is that immediately after a sermon where I was just longing to show love to another person, God literally put that person in my path. He almost made it impossible NOT to do something. It’s been a long time since I have heard those small promptings of God in my life. And while at times these promptings have “wreaked havoc” in my schedule, they have also brought immeasurable joy into my life.

From Cynic to Celebrant

Can I not celebrate God in this life, too?

This is a picture of Noah, Jonathan's friend who went to heaven after fighting leukemia for almost a year. His life and death serve as an important reminder to me of what is really important in life. This picture has stayed in my mind since the moment I saw it. I long to live a life a freedom and celebration as my children do. For my children, God is here now -- right now, today. They pray with a faith that I so often lack. When I'm upset about something, they remind me to talk to God about it. They don't love God only for a future salvation in heaven, but also for the way that he is present in their lives today.


" . . . All kinds of embarrassing things [are] being done in the name of God. Religious extremists of all faiths have perverted the best of our traditions. But there is another movement stirring, a little revolution of sorts. Many of us are refusing to allow distorted images of our faith to define us. There are those of us who, rather than simply reject pop evangelicalism, want to spread another kind of Christianity, a faith that has as much to say about this world as it does about the next. . . There's a movement bubbling up that goes beyond cynicism and celebrates a new way of living, a generation that stops complaining about the church it sees and becomes the church it dreams of. And this little revolution is irresistible. It is a contagious revolution that dances, laughs, and loves. (The Irresistible Revolution, p 24)

For the past few years, I've given myself the title "The cynic in the 3rd row." Always questioning, many times skeptical, and mostly angry I watched the religion of my childhood lose most of its meaning. Religion, as I practiced it, just didn't work in the real world. Although I knew that I was saved by God's grace alone, I also had an awful lot of rules and regulations worked into my belief system that made me feel as though I was never measuring up.

But I'm slowing coming to a new kind of faith. One with a living God who is active in not only the world, but also in my life -- creating something new and creating something beautiful. A God who has compassion for the sick, mercy for the poor, and wants to bless me by allowing me a part in his creative acts that are continuing to this day.

Last week I saw once again, a side of church that disturbs me. Family fueds over worship style still plagues the body of believers where I worship. As I sat in a meeting, my heart was heavy as I witnessed the pain that people I loved were inflicting on others -- all in the name of love, unity, and pursuit of truth. It was easy for me to want to join my little group and get into one of those holy huddles that involves gossip, slander, and a few Bible verses to show that God is really on my side. I thank God that He gave me the grace to be able to resist this temptation and instead spend some time talking with Him those involved (including me!)

I want to be a part of a group of believers who resists the temptation to do what we have always done. I want to join with others to actually create solutions that lead to further worship of God. I want to be part of a generation that stops complaining about the church it sees and becomes the church it dreams of.

I've already go my surprise for today!

This was quite amazing. I love animals. Big and small. Furry and not so furry. This winter we spent a great deal of time feeding the squirrels who inhabit the many oak trees in our yard. We had some nuts left over from Christmas, so Jonathan put them out on the deck and we spent many hours enjoying the gift of God's creation. The squirrels would get so brave that they didn't even mind that Oreo and Pumpkin (the house cats)were also enjoying the show.

So today, I'm getting ready to start class and one of my students says, "Hey Melissa, guess what I've got?" And out pops a baby squirrel from his shirt pocket. I thought it was a toy, but it looked so real. And yes, indeed, it was real. Someone in his family accidently killed the momma squirrel, so they are taking care of the babies. This little guy was so tame. Yes, I held it. And we all watched it playing around Andrew's jacket during class.

This has so many elements of God written all over it. I can't tell you how much I needed to have a baby squirrel in my class today -- especially this class. I wouldn't have been able to tell you that this is what I needed today, but I sure did.

I'm walking around today with a sense of wonder of what an interesting life I actually lead here in the town of my birth that I once despised.

Suprise Me, Day One

I'm not sure what I expected with this faith adventure that I'm doing with Marcia. Was God going to send a dozen roses for my kitchen table? That would be a cool surprise. Or maybe I'd come home and my bathroom would suddenly be tiled so that I could actually take a shower again. That might be on the order of miraculous! But instead I found myself at the end of the day last night wishing that I wasn't doing this silly thing. Had God actually surprised me with anything? I had way cooler things happen in the past few weeks when I wasn't asking him to surprise me.

And then I realized that I've more or less been living my life like this for the past few weeks. I've been expecting God to do things in my life, and he has. And I reviewed yesterday again this morning I began to see God's hand in a number of things.

• My neighbor is dying of cancer. Leukemia. Yeah, how could that be God's working in my life? And yet what I saw yesterday afternoon showed me how much God is changing me. Several weeks ago he gave me the courage to go over there and just be with this family. And he is continuing to give me that courage, as I seem to lack it just before I ring their doorbell on any given afternoon. Yesterday while I was there, she showed me some sores on her legs. I have never seen something so painful looking in my life. So -- what's my point? As I was reading The New Friars, (yes, that book again), I was wishing that I could be in a place where I could help take care of the dying. And it hit me this morning that God is giving me just that sort of opportunity. By my brief visits I am able to bring some of God's love into this family's life. And I realized as I left yesterday that for the first time I was able to be with someone who had leukemia and NOT assume that Jonathan's cancer was going to come back. So, there's two gifts in here. It is NOT easy to watch someone die. I often feel very sad when I think of Bernice and Neal. But at the same time, it is a gift to watch Bernice as she prepares to move from this life into the next one. She loves God so much and is ready to see her Father.

There's more, but I think that is enough for the day. God is full of amazing surprises for me, and many of them appear to be in the ordinary day-t0-day life of loving him.

You Love my Mission more than Me

I tend to read dangerous books. I don't mean dangerous books on the order of the Monster Book of Monsters that bit several students in the Harry Potter series, but rather dangerous to my mind, my heart, and my lifestyle. On the back cover of The New Friars a reviewer writes, "This book needs a warning label: Beware, dangerous to your health, your service, your life." And so I read the book.

And for a while I was berating myself for doing so. I've just recently began feeling a measure of emotional, physical, and spiritual health. I told myself that this book was going to make me feel discontent again and that it would stir up longings that were not going to be able to be met.

Ever since I was 14 years old, I've wanted to live on the edge of Christianity. This desire formed the greater portion of my identity. I would go to the least reached and share the gospel with those who were least likely to hear. I read and listened to Keith Green with a passion not understood by my classmates.

And then life happened. And suddenly I was back living in the town that I swore I would never live in again and attending the church that I thought I would only visit once every four years while home on furlough. Or maybe, I thought, I would never take a furlough.

Actually there was a lot of time in there where I was living on the front lines. And I loved it. I was passionate about the work I was doing, and while I was also being abused, I didn't care all that much. It was just part of the price that I felt I had to pay to be in God's beautiful service. I loved his mission.

And then the darkness came. Suddenly I was cynical about all of it. I've spent the better part of the past eight years in very difficult times. I'm just now walking into the light and seeing how dark my life was.

Enter The New Friars. It is the first "mission" book that I've picked up in over ten years. I felt a little guilty reading it because I didn't think it would be safe for me. I almost felt a little rebellious. I certainly wasn't going to tell anyone that I was reading it. I knew that it would feed my guilt about what I felt was a wasted life, but I didn't care.

And God surprised me. In a major way. Because, while this book is most certainly about an amazing group of young people who have taken on vows of poverty that I envy, I found something much more important in the book. I discovered that all of my life I have loved God's mission more than I have loved him.

Scott Bessenecker writes of this experience learning this for himself. He tells of shoveling snow off his driveway on a grey snowy day. He talks of the disappointment he felt with his life and begged God to give him a calling. Scott writes:

"You love my mission more than you love me," Jesus said to me. At first I found this a bit offensive. I suppose Peter might have felt the same way when Jesus kept asking him later, "Do you love me?" (John 21:15-17). How can this be, I wondered? Of course I love you, Lord. But then I began to ask myself, what was it that motivated me? What was it that I thought about and dreamed about and obsessed about? It was his mission. Indeed, I did love his mission more than I loved him. It was true. I was in pursuit of Christ's mission, and in the process I had passed by the Mission Giver without so much as a "hello."

As wonderful as it is to bring the kingdom of God to the hollow places on earth, even this is rubbish in comparision to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus. Intimacy with Christ must be first. Without it, mission is empty and self-serving. I stopped purusing his mission on that day and began giving myself more completely to him -- whether that would lead me permanently overseas or not. (p. 98-99)

I stopped reading at this point and realized that this was me. I could easily have written these words. I wanted to Do for God, not Be for God. I didn't want to pursue loving him first; I wanted to show him my love through my actions in his service. And the more "on the edge" that service was, the better for me.

So, I've been basking in the love of God for the past few days. I've been learning to love Him, and making him supreme in my life. As I see it, this journey of loving God has enough to keep me busy for a lifetime. I'm learning to enjoy and live in the very moment that I am in, rather than obsessing about future plans for my life. Much of the anxiety that I've struggled with for the past few years seems to be melting away.

I'm thankful for dangerous books. And even more thankful for a gracious Father who created in me a desire to read such things and then used that desire to teach me far more than I ever imagined about myself. I finished "the guilt" book two days ago and didn't feel the overwhelming presence of guilt that I had expected. Instead I was filled with an amazing sense of the grace and goodness of God.

Notes from The New Friars

I loved this book. I was challenged, I felt joyous, and I felt grieved as I read it. As I came to the finish I found that the qualities that Scott uses to describe the qualities of the new friars are indeed ones that I long to embrace in my world, right here, right now. They are (taken from page 172):

• incarnation--tearing down the insulation and becoming real to those in trouble


• devotion -- making intimacy with Christ our all-consuming passion


• community -- intentionally creating interdependence with others


• mission -- looking outside ourselves


• marginalization -- being countercultural in a world that beckons us to assimilate at the cost of our conscience

This is the kind of life that I feel called to lived.

Yes, I actually finished Ironman Kona. It was a dream come true in so many ways. Life was very challenging for me in the months after the race, so I don't think I fully enjoyed the memories of my incredible accomplishment.

The following is a report that I wrote after my race. Enjoy . . .

Those who know me best understand why I race Ironman. The answer is really simple; it’s not because I’m fast or really good at it; it’s simply that I can. After my Wisconsin finish, I promised myself that I was done for awhile. But in that post IM depression that I’m finally getting used to, I had a weak moment where I decided to enter the Kona lottery. And promptly forgot about it until I got an e-mail late last April. My training this summer was really rough. I battled a lot of issues that I never had before. Fatigue and stomach problems were my constant foes and I had to remind myself all summer that I am really lucky to do this.

As it turns out, I needed these experiences to get through my race at Kona. As I was struggling through the race, I thought many times about my son and his battle with cancer. Thoughts of his treatment kept me going when I really wanted to quit. And I was reminded on a regular basis of those kids that didn't make it: Noah, Katyln, and Gabby. My life is richer for knowing you, even for such a short time. You taught me that I have so much to be thankful for.

As for my race, like many other lottery winners, I struggled with thoughts of “I don’t belong here” in the months and days leading up to Kona. But once the cannon went off, those thoughts disappeared and I realized that no matter what others thought of me, I had done the work, and I was here, and I was going to finish. No matter what.

The swim was great. I stayed about 150 yards back from the start and away from everything. I had clear water the entire way. The highlight on my swim was seeing two pods of dolphins. The first was a group of five babies who were swimming right under me. I stopped for about 2 minutes just to watch them swim. The second group I saw on my way back -- this time there had to be about 20 of them and they were jumping and playing all around me. There was also a group under me. There went another 3-5 minutes. Needless to say my swim time indicates that I spent quite a good deal of time dolphin watching rather than swimming. I actually forgot that I was supposed to be racing an Ironman for a time. It was truly amazing!T1 was uneventful. Just went through my routine as quickly as possible and got two puffs of sunscreen (not nearly enough).

I got on my bike after that great swim and was surprised at how empty I felt. I didn't want to race at all. The first 10 miles were just gutting it out, trying to think of a reason to stay on my bike and not go join my family for a late breakfast. After we got out of Kona I found my groove and I felt pretty good for about 30 minutes. I ate, drank, and was having a lot of fun. I even passed a few people. Then the stomach issues hit and I really never felt good again the rest of the day. Fortunately they were serving cola on the course and I knew from experience that drinking that should help. So I literally did the whole day on cola (my rocket fuel), small sips of gatoraid, and an occasional pretzel. On the way back from Hawi, the cross winds were really strong and I had to work hard to stay on my bike and off the pavement. I was really glad that I had ridden this part earlier in the week and practiced staying upright in that kind of wind. My mantra for the day was “Don’t wish it away.” This was simple while I was dolphin watching and flying down the hill from Hawi, but I had to really focus on this thought during the last 45 miles of the bike. I talked to some faster bikers later and found out that they didn’t have to deal with this so conditions must have worsened as the day went on, but the headwinds were terrible heading back to Kona. I mean working really hard going downhill and reaching max speeds of 14 mph (DOWNHILL) bad. I went from thinking that I would have a PR on the bike to wondering if I would actually make the bike cutoff. I was hot, tired, and dehydrated. Surprisingly, though, it was during this section of the course where I passed the most people. At least I wasn’t alone out there. I guess my experience really helped me to gut it through and push when I least felt like it. As much as I hated feeling sick this summer on the bike, those experiences taught me ways to get through the difficult moments that came fast and furious during this bike. Without those hard times I never would have known what to do on a day where I spent most of the time with awful stomach cramps.

So, I made the bike cut off and headed out onto the run. My stomach was still bothering me, so the run was done on ice chips, coke, and eventually chicken broth. The best thing I can say about the run is that I stayed consistent throughout all of it. My pace was the same, if not a tiny bit faster, at mile 23 as it was at mile 3. I ran some, walked most, and tried to focus on not passing out or throwing up. It was hard. Really hard. I tried to find the little things, like the beautiful flowers at the side of the road or the amazing site of double amputee Scott Rigsby to remind me to focus on “Don’t wish it away.” About mile 17 right before the turn around in the Energy Lab I tripped and fell off the side of the road right into the lava. That was one of the few times that I was actually running near anyone and he wanted me to get medical help. I was fine, bruised and bleeding, but fine. And really mad. I didn’t want anyone telling me that my race was over. So to prove it to myself and anyone watching, my fastest and longest run of the day was the ½ mile after I fell. I even finally caught and passed the German couple that I had trying to catch up to for the past 10 miles. On a positive note my IT Band that has been plaguing me for 2 years didn’t hurt until mile 23, and my right foot never hurt at all. The next day the only thing that really hurt was the sunburn I got (it eventually blistered and ranks up there with giving birth in the pain factor). Note to self: put sunscreen on yourself, even if they tell you not to!

It was simply amazing running down Alii drive to the finish. I was so happy to have made it through such a difficult day. I got my medal, t-shirt, picture, and a massage. Then I threw up. A nice capstone on a difficult day.

As I was racing, I thought many times about my son and his battle with cancer. Thoughts of his treatment kept me going when I really wanted to quit. And I was reminded on a regular basis of those kids that didn't make it: Noah, Katyln, and Gabby. My life is richer for knowing you, even for such a short time. You taught me that I have so much to be thankful for.

Do Over or Finish What you Started?

I've debated whether to start over or to just continue what I have started. In the end, I realized that what came before is just as important as what is ahead, so I'm going to continue my blog from where it left off. Many holes exist in this blog, and perhaps overtime I will go back and examine some of the topics I've brought up but never fully explored.

Life has been changing for me faster than I ever dreamed possible. I feel (and I hope act) like a very different person than I felt (and acted) just a few months ago. These changes are the result of many years of prayer, some incredible relationships that God has given me, and some plain old hard work on my part. I'm finally growing up and I must say that while some days I think being an adult sucks, for the most part I really like living in the land of adults!

Today is the first day of a faith experiment that my friend Marcia and I will be doing. It is based off a book / concept called Surprise Me. At the start of each day, we will ask God to Surprise us. At the end of each day, we will look for where he has done just that. I am approaching this with a great deal of excitement and a little bit of fear. I've actually seen God's hand more at work in my life over the past three weeks than perhaps every before. I long to be able to continue to see him in the gifts of thunderstorms, long and windy bike rides, conversations with with friends, divine calls to prayer, random e-mails from old and half forgotten friends, and strange longings to buy a book that I thought I had no purpose for (wait till you hear this story!)

I'm back to writing regularly (thanks to Jean), and I believe that I now have the courage to also write publically. So . . . I'm finishing what I started, changing some things, and writing about the absolutely amazing things that God is doing in the world around me.