Glimpses at Life in the Room of Grace: Back, at least for now

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Back, at least for now

It's been a rough year. I stopped writing just after Ellie's hotel, when our beloved boxer, Jack, died of unknown causes. We had just spend an unheard of amount of money to save him and he died anyway.

For months I couldn't write, I couldn't talk, and I couldn't see God.

Then I got depressed. More depressed than I have ever been. I don't even like to think back to that darkness.

I stopped talking to everyone. I closed myself off and listened only to the craziness of my mind.

When I finally reached out for help, my trusted therapist said to me, "I think you might be angry that you got depressed again. Does this feel like a failure to you?"

Um. Yeah. A big fat failure. It felt like a failure of grace and of everything that I had been learning.

Now I'm learning to be a bit more gentle with myself and with others. I'm certainly not very good at being nonjudgmental towards myself. It seems that I feel that everyone is worthy of grace and compassion but me.

But I'm learning that when I live with that as my truth, I have only made an idol out of perfection, which is not such a great God to serve.

So I'm back to writing again. At least for now, that is.

2 comments:

Debi said...: I am so glad that are offering yourself grace. I love you dear friend!; April 12, 2010 at 5:38 PM
Melissa Everts said...: WOW! Your truth in this brings tears to my eyes but at the same time joy to my heart to see one of God's weak and wounded such as myself to see that there are others who struggle with hardships, darkness and times of harsh judgment upon themselves as I do...They say that you are your own worst critic so it's such a blessing to see you come through this and still stand strong. Jack was a great dog and I know you loved him very much! Keep your head up and keep fighting, it's when we stop fighting that we have lost the battle...You inspire me so very much! Thanks Melissa!; April 16, 2010 at 3:20 PM

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What I've been Reading 2009

The Papa Prayer, by Larry Crabb. This book is changing the way that I pray.
The Ascent of a Leader: How Ordinary Relationships Develop Extraordinary Character and Influence by Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol, and Ken McElrath -- excellent. This book provided me with a lot of hope that as a leader I can provide environments of grace for the people in my life. They present a model of leadership that our world desperately needs. My prayer is that I will mature into this type of leader. If you are in a place where you have influence over others (this includes parents and teachers), please read this book.
Undress me in the Temple of Heaven -- a perfect book for me . . . it deals with cultural issues and mental illness, and it has a provocative title. What's not to like? I spent about three days after I finished reading it walking around trying to find something else to attract my interest.
Abba's Child, by Brennan Manning -- a great book about the false selves that we create to help us feel "safe." I appreciated his words about the imposter and the damage that this imposter can cause in our lives.
Church: Why bother?, by Philip Yancey -- another book by Yancey. I loved how this book talked about the importance of dependence in the church. This will be a future blog post as well.
Children of God, by Mary Doria Russel -- the sequel to the Sparrow. I really appreciated seeing deeper into the culture of Rakhat. It was amazing to me how many assumptions I had made about characters and the culture that were so wrong! I spent several days after reading this book wishing that someone would have read it with me. I really needed to talk to someone about what I read in here. I've got lots of journal entries that I may share over the next few months.
Prayer, by Philip Yancey -- I suspect there will be quite a bit of Yancey on my list this year. His words resonate so well with my heart. He reads widely and writes honestly. Yancey has been a great friend to me in my lonely times.
The Last Battle, by C.S. Lewis -- Andrew is reading these and since I've often said that a great way to get to know your kids' friends is through reading their books, I read along with him. He went back and is reading the Magicians Nephew. I'm inspiried to do the same thing!
The Virgin of Bennington, by Kathleen Norris. My first intro into Norris' writing. I love her writing style, but I don't share her love and knowledge of poetry, so this was a little difficult to wade through. I've got Cloister Walk and Dakota on my shelf, so hopefully I will do better getting through those books.
Faith and Doubt, by John Ortberg -- The first Ortberg book I've every completed. I don't know why, but I don't share the love of Ortberg that many of my friends have. I did appreciate his honesty, along with his clever idea that the most important word in the title is the one in the middle.
The Center Will Not Hold, by Elyn Saks -- a great book by a women who lives with schizophrenia. I have always been fascinated by this mental illness. I really enjoyed reading her account.
The Sparrow, by Mary Doria Russell -- My first science fiction book, but not my last. Jan, A coworker, turned me on to this first-contact story. A group of Jesuit priests and lay people visit a distant planet with disasterous consequences. This book raises many questions about the problem of evil.
Learning Outside the Lines -- written by two Ivy League graduates who also happen to have learning disabilities. I have recommended this book to my students as a great guide to college. Sure maybe some of their ideas about reading wouldn't thrill the reading teachers at my school, but they possess a realism that is often lacking among my colleagues.
Blind Your Ponies -- Sheri recommended this book as a good story. I agree. It was nice to root for the underdog. I also found that it dealt with issues of grief and ptsd in a very thoughtful way.
Shame: The Power of Caring -- recommended by Mark. I found it very helpful in continuing to shape my understanding of the shame that often shoves me off into the ditch. The book is not well written, but there are some foundational concepts in here that I found worth wading through the rest to find.
Margin, by Richard Swensen -- I read this on about two hours. It was a reread as I seek to continually remind myself of the importance of margin to my sanity.
The Soloist, by Mark Salzman -- an interesting little novel about a child prodigey on the Cello who loses his giftedness when he becomes an adult.
The Prodigal God, by Timothy Keller -- recommended to me by Pastor Matthew. It is basically a retelling of the Prodigal Son story, with an emphasis on the Father and our relationship with him, mostly (at least for me) as the older brother. I didn't find much new in here, as Richard has been telling me this story in this way for about 8 years, but it was nice to have someone else put words to what I've been experiencing.
Reaching for the Invisible God, by Philip Yancey -- I started out this year with this book. It is staying on my self, as a reread -- as are most of my Philip Yancey books. He finds such a unique way to put words to his experiences. I appreciate his honesty and commitment to his faith in the midst of doubting and questions.