God Speaks . . . At Costco?

Before I tell this story, I want you to know that I have debated for several hours about writing this. It was an important event in my life, but it reveals more about me than I think I want others to know. But I feel compelled to tell the story, so I guess I will jump right in. Some of you will respond with "Is that it? Isn't there more? Come on, you've got to have more." And others will say, "Good Golly Miss Molly, I had no idea she could sink that low." But alas, as much as I'd like to, I can't control you response. So, all premable aside . . . this is what happened to me at Costco last night.

It was meant to be a quick trip in and out. I was buying a gift for Brit, who gracious gives me time every Wednesday to go on a date with myself. I knew exactly what I wanted to get him and where it was. But as is common at Costco, those quick trips lead to carts so heavy I can barely push them and rather large sums of money being shelled out. As I grabbed Brit's gift, I thought . . . contact solution, I need that. It's really cheap here and then I won't have to stop at Target. So I rolled my cart over to the pharmacy area. And that is when God spoke to me.

No, I didn't hear his voice booming over the loudspeak saying "Chicken Potpie on sale in the Deli, now. Go fast." In fact I didn't hear an audible voice at all. But I knew it was God.

Before I finish the story, I need to give some background. Almost two years ago I started to really feel the pain of abuse that had been done to me. There were many, many days when I felt like there was no way I could handle anymore. So I began to use Benedryl (*disclaimer at the end*) to get to sleep. And then I would use Benedryl whenever I wanted to hide from my pain. It dulled the pain for me, much like alcohol might do for some people. It was a great place to hide. It's not physically addicting, so I told myself that it was okay. But, like all man made methods of coping with with our sin and pain, it involved hiding. Lots of hiding. I had shame about my pain and I had shame about the manner in which I was dealing with it.

I ran out of Benedryl a few months ago and hadn't bought any to replace it. I was okay. I was facing my pain and God was protecting me in it. But suddenly, I was standing in front of the Benedryl bottles -- those big bottles that have 400 tablets in them that sell for under $4.00. And I picked one up and put it in my cart. And God said to me, "I love you. Do you really need that?"

Me: "Of course I do, I need it to go to sleep."

God: "Do you? You haven't used it for several months. You've been sleeping just fine. I wonder if you are hiding from something Melissa. I love you kid. I love you."

Me: "But you said you'd love me no matter what I do, God, so I'm buying the Benedryl. I need it. I'm really afraid of some stuff that came up today. End of story."

God: "Ok. I do still love you. More than you ever know. But I wonder if you could trust me on this. Can you trust that you are deeply loved? I want so much for you to live out of that place. It's a good place Melissa. I'll protect you Melissa. You don't need to hide anymore. Those bad things that happened to you are in the past. I will give you the deep sleep you long for."

Me: "Thanks. But I think I'll take the Benedryl, just in case."

God: "That's fine. But when you want to talk about this issue, I'm here . . . standing by your side, ready to help you deal with it."

Me: "Great. I'll get back to you on that."

And I walked on and realized that I deeply wanted to trust God with this. I wanted to stop hiding. I wanted to feel the pain and grief that I knew might come in the night, because I wanted so desperately to experience God's love in that. But I felt like I couldn't. So the conversation continued.

Me: "So, if I trust you on this . . . you'll really be there for me?"

God: "I already am. I loved you before you walked into Costco and I'll love you when you walk out, no matter what is in your cart. But I so want you to experience what it feels like to believe what I have said is true about you."

And so the Benedryl went back on the shelf. Sorry to the Costo stockers -- I didn't take it back to where it belonged.

As I walked through the rest of the store, I felt like I had grown up. I was able to believe God and this trust enabled me to say no to a temptation that would have kept me in hiding. In that moment I felt love for God in a way that I had not known possible. He loves me! He protects me! He defends me! He has provided a way of dealing with my sin and shame that actually deals with it, not hides it. And when I am able to trust, I grow. I knew it last night. There was growth and healing in that incidient that enabled me to go home and face some difficult stuff. God's love was flowing through me last night. And it felt better than anything I've ever done to hide my sin and shame.

I am well aware that there will be many more conversations like this as I continue to mature. I know that until the day I die, I will struggle with sin issues. I know that I won't always make the choice to trust. But I also know that I don't need to stay hidden or be afraid of God when I don't make the right choices. I am chosen and deeply loved.

Thank you for the power of your love last night Papa. I love you more today than I ever have.

(*disclaimer* it is not my intention here to say that all sleep aids are ways of hiding. When Jonathan was hospitalized with leukemia, I needed them. They were a gift to me. There are people who have serious issues with sleep. At this point in my life, I do not. I know that my use of Benedryl is a way to hide. So, please . . . don't take on my shame. I don't judge you. Let God speak to you.)