So, it seems that I now am feeling ready to write about some of the dark days of the past few years. When I was in my teens and 20s I never felt anything like depression. I was a rather happy-go-lucky girl, who saw the good in everything (including a very difficult marriage). I assumed, wrongly, that depression and godliness could not co-exist. So I buried the pain and put on lots of smiles. When I couldn't muster a smile, I stayed home. I became a master at hiding -- from my children, my husband, my family, my coworkers. I'm certain, now, that many of them suspected that all was not right with Melissa, but at the time I was convinced that no one knew. I filled my mind with cliches that I didn't believe and spouted them off all the time in the hopes that eventually I would feel the joy that these cliches seemed to promise. What I didn't realize at the time was that by stuffing all the pain associated with abuse I was receiving, I was laying the foundation for a very dark and difficult mental illness.
Over the next few posts I will explore some of my depression history, what I have learned, and how I think God is continuing to redeem those dark days. I will also look at a very painful time, last November, that I call my Dark Night of the Soul.
For today, I want to leave you with a quote from Ed Welsch's book on Depression:
God says that strong faith can coexist with emotional highs, lows, and everything in between. It is a myth that faith is always smiling. The trust is that faith often feelings like the very ordinary process of dragging one foot in front of the other because we are conscious of God.
If your life feels like this today, please know that I KNOW. I have lived like this for months at a time. I will probably feel like this again. The daily slogging of life, against the ordinary difficulties like broken down cars, just barely not enough money, or even the need to take three kids to three different places with only two adults can be overwhelming to the point of tears. Your issues may be huge, like a sick child or parent. You may be grieving the loss of a friend or family member or a job. You may just be sick of the pressures of a job. Or you may have no idea why you feel like crap. Whatever the source of your pain, God is with you in it. Even if you feel like he isn't. Even if you can't believe. He is standing by your side, his arm around you ... whispering in your ear, I love you child. I love you.
And I don't believe for one minute that God is angry with you, he is not displeased at your lack of faith to get over the icky feelings. Faith is not always smiling.
4 comments:
Now I understand what you meant today when we had lunch! I probably should have read this before we met and maybe what you were saying might have made more sense as you were speaking it to me. Melissa, I think that there is a part of me that is depressed and oppressed...I am not sure what it is, but when things get going really good in my life and I am treading this walk of life as one could tread water...Something always falls into my lap that diverts the "good treading waters" in my walk with Christ and in my life.
How do you begin to search out the sources of these oppressions? I know you are still learning how to walk through these things within your own life, but where did you start after you realized that God is with you through every struggle right beside you an walking through these things with you?
Thank you for being real!
So true! I was just thinking about faith in my own life and reflecting on all the years I thought I knew it all! How wrong I was...I was living an easy life and knew who God was, but never to the point where I needed to depend on Him for anything.
It was only when I had nothing that I found my faith and found God to be faithful. I'm sad sometimes that I had it so wrong and have had to "learn the hard way". But really, I am beginning to wonder, to have true faith, is there any other way to get it than "the hard way"?
One of the last songs we sang in church the morning of our incident had this line in it:
"Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for; brokenness is what I need".
I remember looking around the congregation thinking, "what a crazy song to sing. Nobody wants brokenness!" and then I sort of laughed in my head at some of the people I saw singing that song. I was judging them and saying, "there's NO WAY that person wants brokenness...or THAT one...or..."
And just an hour or so later I was physically, mentally, emotionionally and spiritually broken all at once.
And you know what?!
GOD was there. And it was the most amazing thing to experience Him more than I ever had in all my "churched life" in a hospital room next to my dying child and with my family members all broken and bruised in other rooms.
No.
Faith is NOT always smiling.
But it IS always the one thing to see us through.
Thanks so much for continuing to blog and be authentic. I feel like too many people have missed out on so much in life because of the misconceptions of faith and who God is and wants to be in our lives. I love that He is bringing you such a peace and testimony too. His grace is nothing short of amazing. Every simgle day!
I'll keep reading as long as you keep writing. =)
Love and prayers for you and your family...xoxo.
I love it that you were brave enough to tell the group exactly what you were thinking with "...please don't give me any verses."
Whoops, wrong post. Oh well.
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