Perfect

Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen, "Anthem"


Anyone who visits my home will likely doubt the following statement. But the truth is, I am a perfectionist. It doesn't show itself in my housekeeping skills, but it comes to light in almost everything else I do. Perhaps the reason why it doesn't show at home is that I have finally resigned myself to the fact that with four young children, perfect housekeeping is completely not possible. I don't even try anymore.

But in my school work, in my teaching, in my thinking, in my actions -- I long to be perfect. I have this crazy idea that I could actually obtain perfection if I just tried hard enough. But I can't. I simply can't. And this causes me so much heartache, wasted time, and sleepless nights as I try to figure out how to minimize the disasters in my life. Maybe I can't be perfect, but if I could just appear to be perfect . . . alas, what a foolish thought.

So after a rather difficult weekend where I was much less than perfect in just about everything, I came across the poem posted above. God's surprise for me.

As I think about all of my "failures", I realize that it was through my weaknesses that God brought great blessing and honor to my life. He brought light into my life, and even though there are most certainly days and weeks when I can't or chose not to see the light, it is there.

Noah's Ark

My first car was a white Buick skylark. I learned to drive it in the cemetery near our house. One of the distinguishing features of my first car was that it had been in a small accident and the letters, "skyl" had fallen off the logo -- hence it only said "Ark." So I called my little white car, "The Ark."

I didn't know it at the time, but one day my house would resemble Noah's ark. I'm not simply referring to the twins who came two who came two-by-two.

I'm primarily referring to the abundance of animals that live in our home. Not the pets, although we've had a number of those as well. I'm talking about animals of the stuffed variety. Andrew and Caleb have this thing about their animals. They are like little friends to them. Their animals have personalities and a family structure that I still struggle to grasp. These animals are divided up into families and clans and they each have their own unique role. It is not uncommon for me to walk into a room to find a full blown game of animal soccer being played, to see animals using light sabers in a Star Wars like battle, or to come home from a run to see animals hiding all over our yard as the children go on hunting trips.

Andrew's polar bear, Fridge, is a frequent visitor to our photos. Fridge goes on most of the family outings and sometimes sneaks his way to school. He "slips" into Andrew's pocket and peaks out when he wants to see something. Fridge also loves to have his picture taken!

I love this side of my children. I enjoy watching their imaginations flow. I like getting into their world and learning about the personalities of their "friends." I encourage this side of their play as I think it makes them great writers and story tellers. I will be so sad when these friends get packed up into bins. But for now I celebrate the imaginations that God has given my children and try to enjoy every moment.

Brothers and Sisters

When Jonathan was ready to start kindergarden, my father was the superindendent of the school district where we lived. So, unlike many of my friends who have wrestled with private vs. public school vs. homeschooling, I didn't have a choice. My children were going to the public school in our neighborhood and that was that.

I can't believe that was six years ago. It seems like just yesterday that I was dropping my little bald headed son (he was on chemo then) off in a room full of strangers.

And now as I reflect back I am so thankful that God selected the school for my children to attend. He arranged some amazing things for my children at this "rough school" and I couldn't be more appreciative.

Jonathan had a difficult time making friends. He missed half of kindergarten. He was more than a little shy (no one believes this anymore). His first friend was a boy named Isaiah. As I picked up the phone to call his home and ask if Isaiah could come over to play, I couldn't have been more scared. I had no idea what I was getting into. And I had no idea of the amazing friendships that would come out of this one. You see, Isaiah has two bothers and a sister. His younger brother is the same age as Andrew and Caleb. His sister is the same age as Rachel. And this family of four is part of a much larger family. One of those other families also go to the same school as my children and they have four kids -- a son Jonathan's age, a son Andrew and Caleb's age, and two girls who are a year older and a year younger than Rachel!

The most amazing thing about these families is that they hold very similar values to ours. And the kids are the best of friends. Yesterday we took them all to the park -- three moms, twelve kids, amazing friendships. It was one of the best afternoons I've had in a long time. I'm still feeling so amazingly blessed today.

As I look over my life and all of the moves that I went through in the early years of my marriage, as I think about the deep lonliness I felt at times, I am deeply grateful that God led us back to my hometown and to this part of my hometown. And I'm really glad that my father was in the position he had been in -- because I probably would not have sent my children to a public school if he hadn't. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Aika

The kids and Aika at Christmas time. Oh, and Andrew's polar bears. It's been fun for the kids to have a big sister, I think. As I reflect back on the past few months of having a teen age daughter, I have to say that it really wasn't all that bad. Yes, at times she annoyed me. But there were other times when I felt so blessed to have her in our home. In many ways I wish that she could have visited our family at a different season of our life, but she was there during one of my bleakest periods.

In some ways, I think she was part of what pushed me over the edge and back to desiring God. Not her so much, but rather what she represented. Having her in our home forced me to go back and remember Kazakhstan in a deeper way. To remember what was so great about it, and what was so challenging. It helped me reconnect with some of my friends who are still there. It hurt to remember all of those people that I left. It really hurt to remember all of the dreams that were abandoned. But it was remembering that needed to be done so that I can move ahead into what God wants me to do today.

So, I'm glad she came into our lives and I will miss her when she is gone. She is very different from me -- and at times I couldn't stand her vanity, but she taught me so much about myself and my children. I thank God for sending Aika into our lives. I believe that when she first came, I thought that God had brought her to us so that we could help her -- but in the end, I think that I got much more out of the bargain. Not because she was so wonderful, but because she could be a challenge to live with. I don't think I got it right most of the time, but I sure learned an awful lot.

A Chance to Help

Last week I talked about getting an award from the TRIO program at the college where I teach. I talked about the joy in discovering who had nominated me. Well this morning I saw Layla in the hallway outside my office. She was speaking in Somali on the telephone and was obviously upset. When she got off the phone, she came to me and told me the story. She was trying to help a neighbor get a doctor's appointment for her 2-year-old who had put something into her ear. She was unable to convince the appointment maker at the doctor's office to give them an appointment and was so concerned that this little girl would lose her hearing. She came to me and asked me if I could call the doctors office. I did so and was able to make an appointment for the girl later this morning.

Layla turned around as she was leaving and gave me a huge hug. And as I've reflected on this tiny opportunity to do something for another person I realized that helping others is a huge part of who I am. I am at my best when I'm serving others.

And it was also a good confirmation for me that I'm where I need to be right now. My mind is always cooking with other opportunities, other things that I could or should be doing. But between Layla and another student who shared some very difficult things with me last Friday, I know I'm in the right place right now. Opportunities to make a difference in the lives of others surround me. All I have to do is open my eyes, ears, and heart -- and make myself available to help when needed.

Weekend Surprises

Friday's surprise came during a wonderful evening out with Marcia. Everytime I spend time with her I am reminded of God's grace in my life. She came into my life when I needed a friend most and she has never left. She has shown me what God's love is like -- she didn't leave when I rarely spoke to her, she didn't leave when I made decisions she questioned, she didn't leave when I raged at God. We have both taken the Strength Finders test and have one of our strengths in common -- connectedness. As we have recognized this, it is so obvious in our conversations that we both share this strength. We love to find the connections in the things that we read, hear, and the people that we know. I am able to tell Marcia things and she will say, "Wow," when others look at me like I'm nuts. She gets my incredible need to find connections everyone. Anyway, I was reminded on Friday night how unbelievably blessed I am to have her in my life!

Saturday's surprise was finally seeing the sun! It has been cold and grey up here for more days than I care to recount. After a cold windy start, the sun eventually came out and warmed our pale skin. The kids went outside and played for hours in the afternoon. It was so neat for me to watch them play together -- they use their imaginations so well and have long standing "dramas" that they have been playing for years. Each one of them plays various characters (most of them dogs) and each character has very distinct personalities that can be seen on the face and in the voice of the characters they play. I love to watch them play like this.
Sunday's surprise was the opportunity to get on my bike and ride, ride, ride. It almost didn't happen -- the day was crazy with all sorts of "emergencies" and as I told Marcia my story during the ride she wondered that I didn't call and cancel the ride. But I didn't and I was so glad. It was warm, it was sunny, and I needed that long ride in the worst way. It was another day to spend with my best friend, and another chance to thank God for the strength and time that I have to be able to ride my bike.

Be the Surprise

One of the things that I didn't write about when I talked about Surprise Me God is that I also found a book by the same author titled Be The Surprise. While I am not officially doing a "Be the Surprise" faith experiment, I realize that with my personality type I am very likely to see God in the act of serving others.

So, yesterday was May Day. You know, the day where people hang flower baskets on door knobs, ring the bell, and run away. Or maybe you don't know. It seems that this tradition has really died out. I wanted to introduce my children to this act of giving, so we purchased two bundles of tulips yesterday and set out to bless two families in our neighborhood.

The first house we stopped at was Bernice and Neil's. Bernice is our neighbor who is dying from leukemia. It was the first I had brought the children with me to visit her and I was so glad that we did. While we were there I watched my daughter's heart in action. She felt so much compassion for Bernice that she took off her favorite charm that she had hanging on her jacket and gave it to Bernice. For Rachel this was a huge gift. And it almost made me cry.

The second house we stopped at was Howard's. Howard is an older man in our neighborhood who recently lost his wife. Currently his son and daughter-in-law are living with him, but they will be returning to Japan in June -- and Howard will have to leave his home. He is very sad about this. So we spent over an hour at his home talking with Howard, his son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter. While we went to bless someone else, I strongly believe that we received a huge gift as we sat in their home and talked. This is a wonderful family and I felt so honored to be in their home. I wish that I had gotten to know them sooner. But I won't let the "I wishes" diminish the joy that I felt as we sat in their home. Instead I will use those regrets to push myself to interact with more people -- and to step out of the box of my comfort zone. I receive so much joy from serving others -- and as I do this it really takes the focus off the pain and issues of my own life.

The Prize

Okay. I admit that it wasn't the Nobel Peace Prize. It wasn't even a big prize. But it was a wonderful surprise for me, coming at a time when I needed it most.

Today I attended an awards lunch for teachers who had been nominated by students for excellence in teaching at the college where I work. I was very excited to be one of those receiving an award. What elevated this to a surprise from God is that I found who nominated me. It was a student that I've had for several classes over the past two years. She started out slowly, but has really worked hard and excelled in her work. In her letter to me she wrote that I was the one who taught her how to read in a way that she could understand. I was in tears. Her letter was so thoughtful and specific about ways that I had helped her -- things that I didn't even know were significant at the time. I will treasure this letter for a long time.

I know that I love to teach. I know that sometimes I do a good job with it. It just feels so good to be affirmed for doing something that brings me so much joy. Thank you Layla for saying thanks. I'm so proud of the progress you have made and for the willingness to thank those who have assisted you in your journey. And thank you for God having this ceremony at a time when I needed it most!

Wednesday's Surprise

Yesterday I came home from an afternoon of running around town to find a bag tied to my back door. I love surprises like this. In the bag was a note and a present -- and I had NO idea who it was from. Until I read the card. I was so surprised that Marilyn had given me a book, and even more surprised to find that it was this one. About a month ago I picked up Renovation of the Heart and eventually put it down as I had other pressing things to read. What a special surprise from God this was. And it came on a day when I most needed it. I didn't know it at the time, but I was heading for a big crash later in the evening.

I had a very difficult evening and am still dealing with the ramifications of what happened last night. But as I reflect on my day yesterday I have to remember that God was there, and that in preparation for the later events he made it clear that he was still going to surprise me in big ways. I'm struggling today, but I'm also making the choice to remember what God has done and what he is currently doing in my life today.